tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574164619894734202024-03-21T12:00:52.616-07:00Divine ChaosMy life IS divine chaos, and I have and will embrace it all....Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-86754755032052158472016-07-29T07:12:00.000-07:002016-07-29T07:25:23.737-07:00yeah kids consume your life<div><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-peWHvMIEOuE/V5tnUfLAOAI/AAAAAAAAYDw/xmRzpXXbugM/I/photo_379945.jpg" border="0" class="bloggoimg"></div><div><br></div><div>I was told yesterday that "kids shouldn't run our life".. I have pondered on this now for a bit and slept on it.. And I have my own thoughts on what this means to me. </div><div><br></div><div>He was right.. Kids shouldn't run our life..</div><div><br></div><div>Kids should consume it. Having a child isn't a novelty thing.. It's not for fun.. It's not for shits and giggles. You have children because you decided at some point that you wanted to leave a legacy. That you wanted to become a parent. That you wanted to be a teacher. That you wanted to complete something. </div><div><br></div><div>You have kids to breath life into someone, teach them, mold them, make them a reputable member of society. You pray for them.. You love them.. You feed them.. Dress them. </div><div><br></div><div>Life as you knew it is over when they arrive. </div><div><br></div><div>I remember having my son. I remember him being placed on my chest. I was a stupid 18 year old kid. I had no idea what having a child meant. I could not even fathom what was going to happen to me. I thought I was in love with the person whom I was having Issak with.. But my goodness what happened to my heart when I saw that boy.. The feeling can not be described in words. It's a feeling I have felt three wonderful times.. It's the feeling of your heart expanding.. Making more room for love to fill it. </div><div><br></div><div>When they are not with me... I am not complete. I very seldom use sitters.. I don't do things they can not do.. Because I want them with me. My life is not complete without them. I am not whole without them. </div><div><br></div><div>For those of us who have children... Do me a favor.. When you think about going out on a Friday night because you need a break.. Call it a break. Don't say your children shouldn't run your life... Because chances are.. They already do. And if they don't.. Honey you're doing it wrong. </div><div><br></div><div><div><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bGj9mHFLoIg/V5tnUoq90LI/AAAAAAAAYD0/VatSjBEydd8/I/photo_151474.jpg" border="0" class="bloggoimg"></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><br><br> <br></div><br><br> Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-37190920676499088562016-07-28T19:16:00.000-07:002016-07-28T19:24:44.486-07:00missing him <div><div><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Yf8Rq-XVZUo/V5q-a-5Ad0I/AAAAAAAAYDg/ovXvZcVRHV8/I/photo_957264.jpg" border="0" class="bloggoimg"></div><br><br> <br></div><div><br></div><div>I don't blog often enough. I have to remind myself that it helps clear my thoughts... Or reset my brain if you will. Sometimes thoughts flow and you need to just put them on paper for everyone to see. </div><div><br></div><div>You see I've had this month from hell. I know many know my grandfather passed away.. Beyond what an amazing man he was.. And what he meant to everyone else's life he touched... He was my grandfather.. My pa pa. My second dad..my everything. I still cry thinking of losing him. I haven't been able to talk about him without crying. I wear his shirt to bed.. I can still feel His presence at my grandmothers. I can hear him yelling about the liner of the pool.. Or hearing his testimony as to why I need to return to church. (I'm working on this) </div><div><br></div><div>I can't put into words how much I miss this man. His presence. His voice.. And the way he loved me at times I didn't think anyone would. I lost my best friend. </div><div><br></div><div>So I'll leave everyone with that.. A thought of his Donald Duck voice.. And how it's coming up on a month without him.. And I still feel like I am living in a fairy tale. </div><div><br></div><div>I love you more than words my pa pa. </div><div><br></div><div>Busy bee Jess </div><br> Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-91702066185885381182015-09-14T16:21:00.001-07:002016-07-28T19:27:51.994-07:00It gets easierDo you wanna know what's hard? Being a single parent. It doesn't get easier... Especially when you have another parent to deal with. I'll give you examples of things I'm sure parents with a partner take for granted... When it's 11 at night and you have heartburn and you're out of medicine.. And you really need medicine but you can't run to the store cause the kids are asleep... So you drink milk until you can't stand it and you go back to sleep. Or when your favorite bands in town and your best friends going but you have no sitter. When you really want new shoes but your son needs bells.. <div><br></div><div> Becoming a single mom has made me look at the phrase "put on your big girl panties and deal with it". There are so many things I do differently now. And there are times I can't believe I do it alone. I rearrange rooms, move TVs, cook, clean, fix boo boos, brush hair.... I amaze myself. </div><div><br></div><div> But you know what sucks the most about being a single parent... When they go back to their dads for his time.. And you sit in the quiet house, alone, with your heart breaking because you miss them. The loneliness sucks.. </div><div><br></div><div>I have become a pro at being alone though it doesn't really get better. I miss adults.. I miss normal things. </div><div><br></div><div>Being a single parent is the most rewarding experience I've faced because it has made me bullet proof. Not many people can say that. </div><div><br></div><div>Jess</div>Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-8157585206312358522015-03-08T14:07:00.001-07:002015-03-08T14:07:14.526-07:00Cause it's a really hard time.. And it's really just scary<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZSoYYkFDmOM-Ll_o2ACzQcIl3TFD56yo_9PBAW1LCfi1T8mVUz1KIZ3DQfybmBv65G5tgRv8xV28jw1TsuUdRWvyn4nbDXFusFjXQ7vixI6EnrMTGR6dgcf2c2gLY8PysIHVAlZqt1yIE/s640/blogger-image-1539647764.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZSoYYkFDmOM-Ll_o2ACzQcIl3TFD56yo_9PBAW1LCfi1T8mVUz1KIZ3DQfybmBv65G5tgRv8xV28jw1TsuUdRWvyn4nbDXFusFjXQ7vixI6EnrMTGR6dgcf2c2gLY8PysIHVAlZqt1yIE/s640/blogger-image-1539647764.jpg"></a></div>I've procrastinated on going to the doctor.. Why? Well let's be honest.. You gain a little weight.. You change insurances.. You have to go grocery shopping.. You don't want to miss work.. And the list goes on. The last time I had a full physical was over 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with thyroid disease that landed me on a roller coaster of meds. So after 3 years and having a million aches and pains.. And in all honesty feeling like crap.. And did I mention the 30 lb weight gain that was out of the blue? Yeah that too. I started slowly with my dentist.. And I needed extensive work so that was my focus for a bit.. I moved on to my regular family doctor. A new one actually who seemed very concerned with the thickening in my throat. She ordered a mountain of tests that I agreed to. I left there and went for x Rays at Hendersonville hospital. Same day I had an apt with my ob. As I sit here two weeks later with the news my doctors told me.... I'm flabbergasted, scared out of my mind, very worried on how I'm supposed to pay for the procedures I need to fight this stuff, mad at myself for not going to the doctor sooner, exhausted.. Physically and emotionally.. And just... At a loss. My regular doctor informed me that the cyst on my thyroid has doubled in size and has spread to my right side.. She stated it could be cancerous.. But no matter what they will remove it.(meaning my entire thyroid) So.. Surgery. My ob told me that my test grew carcinoma cells which are prevalent in cervical and ovarian cancer. I am having further studies in the next few weeks... But the fact of the matter is this.. My body is already growing an epithelial cell that is growing a type of cancer. So there's the word.. Cancer.. And let's just say this.. While we are being honest.. It's such a shitty word. It's not nice.. It doesn't play fair.. And it sucks... To know that my chances of a hysterectomy are high... Makes me nauseated. I know I am supposed to have another child... Sometime.. So this hurts my heart so much. <div><br></div><div> Now many people are telling me to be strong.. And for those who know me, I am strong. Probably one of the strongest people you'll meet. I kick ass and I take names.. And I wouldn't have it any other way. However, I am very allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to be brought to my knees.. I'm allowed to be needy, and want my mommy who lives hundreds of miles from me. I'm allowed to fear for my kids. I'm allowed to worry how this will affect my job.. I'm allowed to be frightened beyond belief, and still be strong. So.. Pray for me. Pray for my family.. But most of all pray for my sanity. Because so far there have been days that I am in a fog.. And clarity would very much help. Also,being alone.. Yeah it's not helping me. I need love and support.. And hugs.. And if anyone has any ideas about fundraising or anything of the sort.. Please tell me.. Because I will need it. Thanks for listening... <div><br></div><div>Jess</div></div>Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-37457784248957965592015-02-25T19:10:00.001-08:002015-02-25T19:10:59.676-08:00Just... Overwhelmed<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYq4bpzQQhJQm_SeRZ7PSy_Qw-unA2bBhXQm0GwjgSDAkz0TtN_TmttL_ivJKtoWIBazGntJM23hoP86K0w-qJIeoT-xWIPWL3ZTez5RoEKnEvqmiElNOnzQB9Stq6F8w1u5rPbnJ5NvWY/s640/blogger-image--35421862.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYq4bpzQQhJQm_SeRZ7PSy_Qw-unA2bBhXQm0GwjgSDAkz0TtN_TmttL_ivJKtoWIBazGntJM23hoP86K0w-qJIeoT-xWIPWL3ZTez5RoEKnEvqmiElNOnzQB9Stq6F8w1u5rPbnJ5NvWY/s640/blogger-image--35421862.jpg"></a></div>Does any other mom have the issue of literally not having enough time? It takes me an hour at least to get to work.. I work 8-9 hours then it takes me an hour at least to get home. When I get home I have to make dinner clean up from dinner and then spend an hour or so playing.. Reading.. Checking homework.. Listening about days.. At the same time I am washing clothes.. Giving baths.. Etc. <div><br></div><div>Most nights by 8:30 I'm actually able to sit down only to remember that I have laundry to do.. A bed to make.. Kitchen to clean.. Who the heck knows what else.</div><div><br></div><div> Tonight we had sandwiches for dinner... Did that save me time? No.. Because I had two showers.. A bath.. And a nice story about glasses to deal with. </div><div><br></div><div>The kids beebop between my home and their dads.. The weeks they are not here... Suck. I usually work very late and stay away from my house. <div><br></div><div>So... I'm sitting here.. Absolutely exhausted..almost to tears actually. I have a mountain.. Literally a mountain of laundry to fold.. And another to wash.. Or four... Dishes to wash.. </div><div><br></div><div>Overwhelmed isn't even the word. </div><div><br></div><div>Did I mention how stressed I am about this thyroid thing?</div><div><br></div><div>Sigh</div><div><br></div><div>Being a mom is the best thing.. But it's also the hardest thing ever. Tell me I'm not the only one...</div></div>Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-80287415591909147442015-01-06T21:34:00.002-08:002017-05-01T07:31:55.430-07:00Just because you donate doesn't make you a father<p>Let me start this out by saying this is in no way about my kids dad. This post is about some stuff I've seen and it's disgusting and well I want to blog my opinion. So here goes....</p><p><br></p><p>You are an awkward, in a weird place, different teenage girl. You've been cheated on, hurt, and left so many times that you're not sure you'll ever meet the guy.. Ya know.. That guy. The one.</p><p><br></p><p>Then one day you meet him. The one you think is your everything. The one you decide to give everything to, including your body.. Because you love him, and your heart controls your mind. And well you're happy. Most of the time, right?</p><p><br></p><p>Then life comes along..</p><p><br></p><p>And you get two straight lines on a test you didn't intend on taking for years.</p><p><br></p><p>You're pregnant..</p><p><br></p><p>But hey it's ok because you're in love.</p><p>But wait...</p><p><br></p><p>He isn't. He has left. Fighting starts.... Lies start. And you realize the man you fell in love with is nothing but a boy playing make believe.</p><p><br></p><p>He deserts you during your pregnancy. He lies and tells you everything you want to hear but does none of it. He misses appointments.. He pays for nothing.. He dumps you over and over again. Then one day it hits you.</p><p><br></p><p>I am going to be a single mom, because my daughters father is a child.</p><p><br></p><p>He is a deadbeat. Because if he isn't there for the pregnancy... Why would he be there for the actual hard part? The baby?</p><p><br></p><p>Here's my thoughts..</p><p><br></p><p>first of all the girl didn't get herself pregnant. It's as much responsibility to the boy as it is the girls.</p><p>Also.. What example is that man giving to his child? Would he want his daughter treated that way someday?</p><p>I also think this even stems from the parents that raised him..</p><p><br></p><p>It's time for parents to stand up and raise our kids to be good parents.</p><p>To let them know backing down from a challenge is not ok..</p><p>To let them know that there are some things you don't have choices about.</p><p>It's time for a lot of stupid boys to grow up. Just because you don't carry the child doesn't make you free from all responsibility.</p><p>It's time to be a damn parent.</p><p>It's time for responsibility.</p><p>It's time to man the hell up.</p><p><br></p><p><br></p><p>And if you can-</p><p>Practice abstinence before marriage or at least be safe....</p><p>Be safe..</p><p>Be safe</p><p>find your person...</p><p><br></p><p>Just saying</p><p>J</p>Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-69020727973661660372014-12-11T18:48:00.000-08:002014-12-11T18:48:35.795-08:00Why sometimes it just sucksThere is not a book that tells you how to feel when you co parent. Nothing written in stone that tells you what to do in certain situations.. there is not a co parenting bible.. Hell by the time my kids are 18 I may feel like i have written the bible on it. I have been doing it for a year and a half now.. and a lot of things suck.. so I am going to talk about those.. because honestly people do not get it.
1. Coming home alone.... A long time ago i used to LOVE coming home to no one. I could relax.. cook dinner.. do laundry.. clean.. get things done before the "crazy" started. It rarely happened, but i loved it when it did. Now every other week, I am alone. When I say alone, I mean alone alone. Right now, I am eating pickles and typing this blog.. and i hate it. I miss my kids giggles.. i miss nightly routine. I miss their smiles, smells, voices. I miss being their mommy. I miss it all. I also miss company... Having someone to talk to at night. I miss falling asleep next to someone. Being alone.. is awful.
2. Having to reset.... my parenting and my ex husbands parenting are VERY different.. so we have a few days of "reset". Where they have to realize they are back here and not there. The worst day is Monday. Its like I have new strange children EVERY week.
3. Hearing about how they love a "step" parent.... A parent that has had nothing to do with them until now.. and the only reason they are there is by circumstance. It breaks my heart.
4. Holidays... missing my kids on holidays... there will be no early morning Christmas for me.. because my kids will not be here. Not until 10 AM on Christmas day.
5. Sharing my friends.. I am not going to elaborate on this.. but just know it hurts.
Those are just to name a few. My daughter tells me all the time "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".. and I have made that my omen as of late. I have made my circumstances.. I am just.. sad sometimes. So for all of you that ask why I am sad sometimes.. here it is.
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-28072042486626269932014-10-09T20:46:00.001-07:002014-10-09T20:46:55.113-07:00Missing him<p dir="ltr">Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I can not believe I've known this man a year now.. that a short year ago I'd start a texting journey that would end with me falling in love..and being loved back. Finding that I'm worthy of appreciation..caring..and just awesomeness. Blah blah.. I know. So I sit here missing my guy. He is in Florida and will be until Sunday.. I will see him Monday night.. that's almost 4 days from now. .. while I miss his smell..his laugh.. his touch.. and many other things.. I miss his voice the most. It's been two days since I've heard it and I just... Miss it. Does this make me a sap.. I guess.. but does it make me realize how very much in love with him I am.. yeah. So while I'll mosey on through the rest of the week and I'll get through it.. and seeing him Monday will be terrific.. my heart aches a little for my guy. Love you Josh. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Ps. He is having a blast. </p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_QzCLri0VgCSviPijmQ-mPOPoGKelts18pa8XLDyMkRaykicYE_RzdQBJ7kknM4NhfUz22LC3-fp5hH0PyHdryLjSO-eF1kpR53dkkuAR3dymeHp9YtRcGPDOmhvOrAI8lnOZCxJkcReS/s1600/IMAG1005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_QzCLri0VgCSviPijmQ-mPOPoGKelts18pa8XLDyMkRaykicYE_RzdQBJ7kknM4NhfUz22LC3-fp5hH0PyHdryLjSO-eF1kpR53dkkuAR3dymeHp9YtRcGPDOmhvOrAI8lnOZCxJkcReS/s640/IMAG1005.jpg"> </a> </div>Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-10044719896006903702014-09-15T11:46:00.001-07:002014-09-15T11:46:47.328-07:00Getting comfortable...my journey at the year mark<p dir="ltr">"It's all so simple when you break it all down..two roads converged down the hollow ground..it's taken all my life to hear the sound of sweet simplicity..."</p>
<p dir="ltr">Ahhh simplicity.. Getting comfortable.</p>
<p dir="ltr">You go through this traumatic event.. that blows your entire world sky high...then you start to heal. You join support groups..you talk to your friends (the ones that are actually there to listen) you lose friends along the way.. But ultimately you heal.. now.. a year is behind me.. and I'm stronger..And I'm happier.. And I've moved on. But.. does it still hurt? YES. So much at times that I in fact have to will myself out of bed. But..I do it. Maybe not smiling..But I do it. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Why do I do it? Because I don't have another choice. My kids don't care if I'm sad that stuff failed. They care about going swimming..going to the park..playing baseball..dancing.. that's what is important to them. And so that is what's important to me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Now..the moving on thing is tricky.. </p>
<p dir="ltr">"I'm in love in love with a wonderful guy...that's what's the matter with me.. "</p>
<p dir="ltr">Yes. I met someone who has become my person. His family is wonderful..and I can see a lot of future there. Which is incredible..because if you know my boyfriend you know why I say that I wasn't sure where we would go in the beginning. And at the time..I was ok with that.. I wasn't ready for serious.. now..I can't imagine my life without him. It's crazy how things work out. I can't believe it's been 10 months.. they have flown by. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Making the decision to let your heart go after a divorce is so Damn hard.. it is HARD. But trust your heart.. </p>
<p dir="ltr">My friends.. I've made New ones with this new job.. But ultimately they know who they are.. the ones who have been there for me and will continue to be there for me. I love you</p>
<p dir="ltr">Basically I'm writing to say..hey I'm doing ok. I'm happy. But the battle isn't over.. it's just not. And I have my moments where I may just not look it. Dealing with an ex is hard.. and sometimes..I may need help..and prayers..and good thoughts. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm humbled by my journey..and know I'm still climbing a mountain.. But I'll climb a little and stop and see a glimpse of the beautiful view..And I know it will be worth the climb..</p>
<p dir="ltr">Hopefully when I make it I'll build a house and stay this time.. maybe I'll finally have a real happily ever after. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It can be done.. </p>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-37258457932331490662014-04-26T09:18:00.001-07:002014-04-26T09:18:10.483-07:00Things they don't prepare you for when becoming a parent<p dir="ltr">I have had an eventful morning.. the girls are currently dancing in their room.. issak is playing with his friend outside.. so im taking a moment to literally laugh. I thought id share my laughter with all of you.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">20 Things they dont prepare you for when you have a lot of kids.. </p>
<p dir="ltr">1.you will never poop , pee, shower, or fart alone ever again. <br>
2. oh.. is that your food mommy? No.. no its not. Its mine now. <br>
3. i just ate 7 pieces of bacon and six eggs.. but im completely famished....starving.. whatever "cant I atleast have a piece of bread"<br>
4. did you tell me no? Im going to scream for 20 minutes.. that has to change your mind. <br>
5. ive been silent for 20 minutes.. did I just hear the phone ring? I need everything ive ever needed NOW<br>
6. Moms sleeping.. im going to scream like im being murdered.. mmmooooommmm<br>
"what do you need are you ok.. whats wrong" <br>
oh.. I just want some water. <br>
7. Boogers are made to be eaten<br>
8. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a delicacy. No.. I dont want that casserole that took you 2 hours. Pb and j stat<br>
9. Wait.. is this a fancy restaurant?. . Oh they dont have McDonald's chicken nuggets? Im going to scream now<br>
10. Its bedtime.. im finally a sleep.. wait mom just put in a dvd.. "hey mommy what cha doing.. ya got popcorn?"<br>
11. Is it Thursday and time for your show? I wanna watch doodlebops now.. and im going to cry until its on. <br>
12. Walls are made for crayons.. im freaking Picasso<br>
13. Mommy's boobs are so interesting. . I want to touch them in public because im a weirdo. <br>
14. I just saw a guy with no legs mom.. "hey man why dont you have legs"<br>
15. 6 am on a saturday? Pssh where's my pop tart? <br>
16. Every sibling is wrong but me and I must tattle immediately. .everyone must know.. "HE is being mean to mmeeeee"<br>
17. Wait.. we've listened to let it go 1 million times? "Mommy can you play let it go"<br>
18. MOMMY STOP THE CAR THERE IS A FLY AND HE IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!<br>
19. Mommy's cleaning.. "mom can you come look at the world I built on mine craft. No it cant wait 5 min.. you must come now"<br>
And last but not least. . <br>
20. Parking lots are free for all's and made to run in. .. especially into on coming traffic. Right? </p>
<p dir="ltr">Hope this made you laugh. This all happened to me in the last I dunno 24 hours.. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Jess ♥</p>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-56457513960610344282014-04-17T14:43:00.000-07:002014-04-17T14:44:46.148-07:00The letter to a potential step momSince coming to terms with me.. and being in a much better place.. and Happy. So so very happy. I wrote the following letter, to the other woman that will be in my kids life. I decided to share it, because I know others who are going through divorce and step parenting and all that jazz, and thought it might help other people.
Being a co- parent is hard guys.. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my LIFE.. It hurts.. causes jealousy.. makes you question if you are in fact a good mom.
But looking back, and comparing my life then.. to my life now... I may struggle.. (and for those who really know me.. you know I do) but I know what being happy feels like. I know what it feels like to get up and not being angry.. and to truly let stuff go, and find me.. So that's how I was able to write this.
To the woman dating my children's father,
I know that this is an awkward talk. I realize that we may spend years being a little uncomfortable around each other. You're about to become the mother (whether it be "step" "bonus" or just plain "mom") of my "life" (or kiddos). I'm preparing to share you with a title I hold very dear and close to my heart. We are fixing to enter into a tense, emotional, and very difficult relationship that probably won't work out the way either of us has planned. However, we are going to attempt it, and make it work because both of us have loved the same man... and hopefully (once you meet them) the children he has fathered.
I am not going to waste your time convincing you how AMAZING my children are. You'll find that out all on your own. I am not going to tell you about their quirks, or their favorite foods, or which one likes to snuggle. (psst it's Morgan) You deserve the opportunity to know them and form your own opinions. Your relationship with them will be much different than mine because you will share your own memories and secrets.
I am going to make a request that I hope you will consider. Don't love them half heartedly. Don't hold yourself back in fear of competition or confusion. Because, the fact of the matter is "my kids" are about to become "our kids". We are both going to care for them in our own way.
These "babies" we are raising aren't going to worry about the toys. They aren't going to care about rules that were set by whom... They are going to be blessed by the love of 4 "parents". (some birth and some not) They are going to have more role models, more people who want the very best for them, and more places to turn when they're confused and upset. We are obviously not in a traditional family here, but we will have more opportunity for perspective and love because of it.
Over the years we may disagree... We may have different opinions on how to approach discipline and schooling. I will try my best.. my very best...to be fair and rational when discussing these choices... I want to present a united front to our kids when we make a decision. I hope we both can remember, we are only doing what's best for these "crazy gingers" that are in our lives. I want to talk openly and keep the lines of communication there so we all can be comfortable.
More than anything I do NOT want you on the side lines afraid that you are going to hurt my big "momma sized" ego. Please do not setup boundaries in your relationship with our kids.
When you and Jon started dating and you agreed to meet the kids you (maybe unknowingly) took on the responsibility to become a "parent" to our children. you pledged to love them just as you did their father. I am happy that Jon and my sweet babies will have another person that cares about them in their lives.
I am not worried about the first mom/ second mom issue. I am not concerned with establishing my place.. (I have made my place in their lives already). It won't help anyway. What will help them to adjust to this family dynamic is to know that every parent they have, loves and cares for them. To know that we are all here to support them as they grow.
I want to be in this journey together. We do not need to be best friends, though I have NO problem if we were to become close. We do not need to agree all the time, though I hope we will always respect one another's opinions. I just want us to be on the same team.
So, from the very bottom of my heart, I want to welcome you to our very silly, beautiful, fun, and crazy special family of red heads. God speed.. you are going to need it.
Jess
Busy b Jess.. <3Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-51758209887743948012014-02-15T08:30:00.002-08:002017-05-01T07:43:09.309-07:00My encounter of an amazing valentines day.<p dir="ltr">I had the most remarkable valentines day.</p><p dir="ltr">In case you guys were not aware. I have been dating someone exclusively for a few months now. We have been talking for 3. We went to high school together. . Actually sat right next to each other on graduation day. He has fallen in my lap.. and he puts this ridiculously retarded smile on face.</p><p dir="ltr">Happy. What is that? Hell I haven't known that for such a long time. But he makes me incredibly happy.</p><p dir="ltr">My first amazing Valentines day went something like this . He works nights so he stopped by on his way to work. I gave him something.. and we talked for a bit. And he left for work. He kept commenting about the rain. Eventually he told me to go outside.. my car was covered in gifts. Chocolates... cards..</p><p dir="ltr">I cried.</p><p dir="ltr">I brought the stuff in and cried.. he called and told me not to cry...and was so.incredibly sweet.</p><p dir="ltr">I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve this.... I deserve happy and this truly amazing guy.</p><p dir="ltr">Josh.. you're the best. I am so glad you asked Cori about me a bit ago.. I'm a lucky girl.</p><p dir="ltr"><u>J</u></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP_0bCuYcY5ZWlSou7dQyG75fE9jqVlRuXPGnEbAhS0yX5u4DonjXK-9SyHsug6kb0Ka2xoawFsr3YjoXwmcTTJCtX_YpkfhRmB2IMiTUoY5xL3ySjW9YrgY_TU78DByXxrqraLMcIfvQo/s1600/20140213_233337.jpg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP_0bCuYcY5ZWlSou7dQyG75fE9jqVlRuXPGnEbAhS0yX5u4DonjXK-9SyHsug6kb0Ka2xoawFsr3YjoXwmcTTJCtX_YpkfhRmB2IMiTUoY5xL3ySjW9YrgY_TU78DByXxrqraLMcIfvQo/s640/20140213_233337.jpg" width="2731" style="max-width: 100%;"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpWQB-1EnanHyZGaT_sGvvhG99my_Of6b3UVrG75zKWIhud-c87WbapzbU7TXvcegJSHIHO8zNo6NB4-qu8tkR2h_fJl4iVSteOCIDjo55ya2dae5ypOTXAyU2QMn2Qr6flvkgKtKh9wGA/s1600/20140213_234724.jpg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpWQB-1EnanHyZGaT_sGvvhG99my_Of6b3UVrG75zKWIhud-c87WbapzbU7TXvcegJSHIHO8zNo6NB4-qu8tkR2h_fJl4iVSteOCIDjo55ya2dae5ypOTXAyU2QMn2Qr6flvkgKtKh9wGA/s640/20140213_234724.jpg" style="max-width: 100%;"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ7UwqUjHZZzYgWuOkFekbKUaVKzoot3BTuncYVTY0GtNXZXlIgMjDzWU2jFFxKn_GfDHFXVrSOdyxCRexry1PFdVFBOZ5MvLR333nfkBPDGPU918MlEGruj0KDB532iebCGKpX23njmE2/s1600/20140213_234838.jpg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ7UwqUjHZZzYgWuOkFekbKUaVKzoot3BTuncYVTY0GtNXZXlIgMjDzWU2jFFxKn_GfDHFXVrSOdyxCRexry1PFdVFBOZ5MvLR333nfkBPDGPU918MlEGruj0KDB532iebCGKpX23njmE2/s640/20140213_234838.jpg" style="max-width: 100%;"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_eKzPfoY_1mY7FYRHYAPe08G4fxihaE5GVlIWujl9Dxu1ArWDkb7wdYb1A7782egXl6Sg_tBY1qwf9QDrx6dSMMbVujOCS-UaDhv99qbd-mCzjoumuVNSdPRpFUYLFjaD-ZlSyPqLoYPl/s1600/20140213_234920.jpg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_eKzPfoY_1mY7FYRHYAPe08G4fxihaE5GVlIWujl9Dxu1ArWDkb7wdYb1A7782egXl6Sg_tBY1qwf9QDrx6dSMMbVujOCS-UaDhv99qbd-mCzjoumuVNSdPRpFUYLFjaD-ZlSyPqLoYPl/s640/20140213_234920.jpg" width="2048" style="max-width: 100%;"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA4Unr4wWpdfA0XQZRHbI75Kq3B8BZLVE6KEpenGVZRo1pZ9mlY5QBLZb6xyn_9tscZaPRYIddsFF1eIZ48dDqruup70Lhd4U883CPq1DV2BjSWtPwxv5ILmNO8pABC1X0XUxnGm86k95r/s1600/IMG_20140212_230722.jpg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA4Unr4wWpdfA0XQZRHbI75Kq3B8BZLVE6KEpenGVZRo1pZ9mlY5QBLZb6xyn_9tscZaPRYIddsFF1eIZ48dDqruup70Lhd4U883CPq1DV2BjSWtPwxv5ILmNO8pABC1X0XUxnGm86k95r/s640/IMG_20140212_230722.jpg" width="960" style="max-width: 100%;"></a></div>Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-19683381896146200342014-02-05T17:55:00.001-08:002014-04-17T14:45:31.601-07:00Just a little glimpe<p dir="ltr">I never thought I'd be here. In the single mom world.. when you get married the entire goal is forever. "Happily ever after" but the actual reality is not happily ever after. Even those amazing marriages you see.. have their bad parts. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I never thought I'd be starting over before my 30th birthday. </p>
<p dir="ltr">My ex husband and I had our first child young. ..we were young and in love and Issak surprised us.  Followed by marriage.. 4 miscarriages and then madalynn.. then morgan. 13 years I was with him... married for 9.. he was my everything. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I won't bore you with the demise... or the sad details of everything that happened. Most of my friends know anyway.. the point of this blog is to share a little insight to people who've not decided to leave.. or that have left and are hurting. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I left.. yeah. I did. There were a million other ways I could have done it.. but the point of the matter is.. I did. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I would cry myself to sleep.. every night. There were days I couldnt move.. it hurt to see couples.. it hurt to see families.  (It still hurts to see families) .. and honestly.. its an onward battle. I will do great for a long time.. and then I will completely break down. Usually it couples with other stress.. </p>
<p dir="ltr">How I get through it.. is my kids... surrounding myself with people who actually want to be around me.. </p>
<p dir="ltr">See this battle has also shed light on my true friends.. people who are there.. then there are those who are so happy in their own life they dont know what to say.. so they say nothing... then people who are there to the point that them not being there hurts.. all of my friends have their parts.. this goes for family as well. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Ice cream helps too. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am not ready to think about step parents.. or anything like that.. it still hurts.. and another thing.. falling in love again scares me. I miss love.. I miss cuddling with someone at night.. God being lonely.. its horrible. For those who've never gone through this.. you dont know lonely.. that lonely when your babies are gone.. and all you want is to sleep.. that lonely...</p>
<p dir="ltr">The point is this... yeah Valentine's day is coming.. yeah ill be alone.. because I dont have a "boyfriend".. I don't have plans.. what will happen that night? Ill cry.. ill eat ice cream.. and ill probably be a mess. But I bet the next day ill laugh.. get over it..  divorce.. its a one day at a time thing.  Even when its complete.. it takes a piece of you. . </p>
<p dir="ltr">So here is to figuring it out.. taking one step at a time.. and falling in love again. To finding amazing opportunities. . And being happy.. and good luck..   </p>
<p dir="ltr">Divorce sucks.. life doesnt.. here's to moving on with a vengeance. Wish me major luck. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Good luck to anyone this helps. Im here if you need to vent. Xoxo.</p>
<p dir="ltr">J</p>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-69467743967393710982013-09-05T02:47:00.001-07:002013-09-05T03:08:37.860-07:00But how can you be happy without cake?<p dir="ltr">It's been a while... </p>
<p dir="ltr">This year has been crazy nuts. Let me go into the nitty gritty. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I've literally lost me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">You see..you think you know who you are..and then something comes along and shocks you to the core. Everything you thought you knew about yourself. ..gone. in an instant. A new you..</p>
<p dir="ltr">This year has been full of heart break... misleadings..torment...turmoil..but also overwhelming love. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have felt unrequited love for a while. Its hard loving someone who doesn't love you back the same way. Sometimes it take a catastrophic event to make them realize what they are missing. Regardless, going through that process was draining. </p>
<p dir="ltr">You see.. I'm a believer of the devine.. things happen for a reason.. there is always an outcome. And "he" is always 8 steps ahead. God knows what our fate will be. .. He knew before we were born. However, having continued faith that he "has this" is hard. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Its 4 am.. and I'm wide awake. Because this is the quietest part of the day. I can sit and reflect on tons of stuff. Somethings I don't even want to reflect on. I'm trying to give myself a moment to get back to me. Problem is... I am not sure when that will be. I need patience. I also need support and love.. and for people to not be so blind. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Sigh... I need a mind eraser... and reprogrammer that tells me.. I only like salads.. that I do not like cake.. and that I am blissfully happy. But howwww can you be happy without cake.. ?!?! </p>
<p dir="ltr"><u>J</u><br>
</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsJS3kJUFgz1XXDQTsnML-oeva9WyyI-R6YDEXzF4a6XDLRIuqCcnUfPm9Z09hAtiC41DxLKINM81OsiCKD9gvfTT0JLOaoySyN5RO9YyUqzfDlbmUsjOYAREUfM9qN-YL9VGER-Rhcjp1/s1600/IMG_20130817_170023.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsJS3kJUFgz1XXDQTsnML-oeva9WyyI-R6YDEXzF4a6XDLRIuqCcnUfPm9Z09hAtiC41DxLKINM81OsiCKD9gvfTT0JLOaoySyN5RO9YyUqzfDlbmUsjOYAREUfM9qN-YL9VGER-Rhcjp1/s640/IMG_20130817_170023.jpg"> </a> </div>Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-75084100586024105942013-01-24T19:39:00.000-08:002013-01-24T19:39:04.856-08:00Wait for it.. LIfe hubba what"Life is way to short to be anything but happy"
I am going to make this short and sweet, but its been a bit. Anywhoo.. the above quote is just.. well right. I know people right now who are miserable.. Life comes at ya, and you just can't get up.. it knocks ya down like a tidal wave.
BUT you keep fighting..
Stuff sucks.. for real.. it does. Your job, coming home.. mad spouses, whiney kids.. It happens to the best of us..
I am going to try to look at my positives daily.. (because in all honestly with the "let down" that i experience on a daily basis.. I have to)
I challenge you to do the same..
What is your joy? What are you grateful for today?
Share it, do it... :D
JessJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-61779518720326674982012-09-22T05:41:00.000-07:002012-09-22T05:41:43.253-07:00Battle of the.......2 years ago today, I was working at the MSC. I thought that was where I was supposed to be. I thought that my life as I knew it was going on the path it was supposed to go on. I was quite content working my claims, making no money, and doing it everyday and being miserable Monday through Friday. On the weekend I was mom. Little did I know that Morgan getting sick with Bacterial Pnuemonia would change my life. We all caught the flu, and Morgan's went into bacterial pnuemonia. I had missed 2 weeks of work, and with no FMLA left because I had just had her earlier that year, my job was threatened. Then Jon said, Why don't you just stay at home? I decided that he was right, it was dumb for me to work for what little i was bringing home, and be ridiculed by my satan of a manager everyday because my children were sick. (Mind you their policy was 3 absences in a calendar year... yes! I said 3) In March I resigned. I found kiddos to watch and started to stay at home. I lasted 6 months. Now, do not get me wrong. I loved staying at home. BUT and I put a HUGE emphasis on the word BUT, It was not for me. My best friend set such and example, and was there to help me every step of the way.. (thanks Jess) and she is by far one of the best stay at home mothers I have EVER known. You see it takes a very strong person to do that. I am strong, but I yearned to do more. For me, I missed the interaction with adults, and I missed my work. Staying at home made me realize how much I really yearned to start my career. I was offered a temp job as a Business Office Manager at a local nursing home.. (and i got this only because my aunt thought of me on a fluke one morning when they were searching through their candidates) I immediately accepted, then did one of the hardest things I have ever done, Which was to tell a parent I could no longer watch her children. (and let me tell you, I loved her kids. Trey and Max were by far some of the best children I have ever had in my home. I miss them EVERY day :( ) Kids started daycare with a friend... and that was another battle entirely. While one daycare was awesome, and so was Home sweet Home, it was so hard to decide, but knowing a dear friend was struggling, when another was not as much, helped me make that decision. It sucked because i do feel I lost a great friendship over it, and knowing sweet kiddos and their family. Although I still see her on FB, it is not the same. :( Heather at home sweet home was remarkable to my children. Morgan immediately fell in love, and Maddy has made a best friend for life in chloe. I wouldn't change my decision only because of the life long friend I have made with Heather. She is truley an inspiration to all women. Her strength and courage is outstanding, I am honored to know her. Heather was diagnosed with breast cancer soon after the girls started going to her. She watched 5 sometimes 6 children while on chemo. Strong is not even the word. She also had radiation, and is currently done with all treatments. She is getting her sexy back, and I am so proud of her! I worked at Imperial for 6 months and was told my position was to be eliminated. In december I was asked to join the team at corporate as the Lead Medicare Biller. I have been here for almost a year now. I make almost double what i made 2 years ago. I am on my career path. I know I can and will advance here. I love, and I mean LOVE my job. I love the people I work with (which includes my best friend Brittany, so I can not complain). Also, I will say it sucks that I do not live 5 minutes from my friends anymore, BUT I would not change our decision to move. (In case you didn't know we moved this month to Nashville to be closer to mine and Jonathons jobs. We are also planning on saving money so we can eventually build our own home on land in the next few years) The purpose of this post is basically to say..2 years ago I had NO idea that i would be here. I was content to not be happy. To be miserable forever, just because I did not think I deserved more. Although this last year has been CRAZY, INTENSE, MAJOR etc.. I am happy where I am and where my family is, and what the future holds. If you're not happy with where you are, make changes, take risks. It may not work well the first time.. (as in my case with staying at home) but eventually the risk has to pay off right?? You are worth what you invest in yourself.
Now, to go to college for my finance degree before or after we build.... hmmmm that is the question that Jon and I have to decide.
Busy is as busy does
J Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-12646043488284224892012-07-01T07:47:00.000-07:002012-07-01T07:47:07.443-07:00Distort as you please"The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul, or we get fat"
Einstein
To realize one persons accomplishments, you have to take a step beck. It isn't always about what you're doing.
The thing is we all get caught up in our own crap. We don't stop and see beyond our own stuff to realize what we may be doing could hurt another person.
Lets talk about how it feels to not be supported by people around you. Many of you know my parents aren't close by, and my brother as well. I do not hear much from them.. I have accepted this for what it is. I am the "out of sight out of mind child". I know they love me, but it would be nice to have my parents around.
Now i have my family here, and Jon's family as well. My grandparents are my family for the most part. I am just feeling a little "empty".
Let me explain a little further. Jon and I started a band a while ago. We wrote music together and had multiple gigs that NONE of neither our families came out to. No support from any one but our friends. Which I am ok with, or was. But how heavy a heart I have when I see my husband go out with other bands, other people, that are not me..and get his families support.
Again, do I think this is done on purpose.. no. Or at least I surely hope not. I think its what i said above.. You have to take a step back and say.. hmm how does this look.
My dreams are valid. My dreams are worth something as well. I may lack the talent that others posses, but I try. I thought I was trying enough, but apparently that is not the case.
In my home, I am the biggest part of the family. I am mom. I am the caregiver, the nurse, the cook, the everything. My family (children and husband) make me feel that everyday. When I leave this house however, I feel like a stand in, that people think will be replaced. Is this dumb? Probably, and mainly in my head.. probably. I have a habit of doing that lately.
I just wanted to get this off my chest.. Feeling left out and out of the loop because of people you love, its a really hard place to be in, and to get over. Hopefully I can get over this sooner rather than later, and hey who knows maybe after 15 years of marriage, maybe I will be thought of as a staying member..
JJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-22672821971179936372012-04-20T03:44:00.003-07:002012-04-20T04:13:36.405-07:00Choices, choicesHaving a child with ADHD is hard. No, it is not Cancer, or a terminal illness, its not Autism, and its not something more sever, but it is hard. My son has ADHD. for those who do not know Kids with ADHD act without thinking, are hyperactive, and have trouble focusing. They may understand what's expected of them but have trouble following through because they can't sit still, pay attention, or attend to details. When we first started going to a psychologist we were convinced medicating was our only option. It was the worse decision I as a parent have ever made. My son was no longer my son, he was a shell. It makes me cry to think about it now, honestly, and it is something do not like speaking about much either, but I feel as if I need to tell my story so others know what they can expect as parents with a child who has ADD or ADHD. Issak lost almost 15 lbs. (all of the ADHD meds suppress your appetite) As you all are aware, Issak is a small child anyway, so this was a problem. We tried 3 different medication, up'ed doses, lowered doses etc.. non giving us what we needed. This was ridiculously expensive as well. 50 dollars a month, not counting the therapist appointments etc. Yet the teachers at school still complained. So after him being on the medication for all of kindergarten, and a few weeks of first grade, Jon and I decided that medication was not for us. We took him off everything, and told no one. I didn't want Issak labeled. Unfortunately, I had to eventually tell the teacher, it made a difference and she did notice. His first grade teacher had a daughter with ADHD, so thankfully she understood me, and empathized with me. Let me reiterate here with this, My son is an EXTREMELY good student. He makes straight A's, and has a 4th grade reading level. Even with having ADHD. Issak started 2nd grade this year and actually has his kindergarten teacher as his 2nd grade teacher. I thought this would be wonderful. She was great as his kindergarten teacher, however, remember now, Issak was medicated then. AT our first parent teacher conference she commented multiple times about how she felt he still needed the medication, and it benefited him, helped him focus, etc. I asked her if his behavior was bad, no no its not bad, he just has problems focusing. Issak has to change his card when he acts out. meaning, when he speaks, laughs, tells someone to stop poking him, etc.. When he does something that the teacher deems "major" like jokingly try to squirt someone at lunch with his milk, but not actually doing it. They send him to the vice principal who decides throwing him in the MIA room is the best option. The MIA room being In School Suspension. He is 8..... 8. However up until yesterday, I have ALWAYS backed up his school, and punished accordingly, until yesterday. I got a phone call after the school day was over telling me once again my son had bad behavior. (She called me because last time he had an "incident" I never received a phone call, and I called and complained) I asked his teacher to explain, and the stuff she explained were the things I listed above. I stated so basically he was a typical 8 year old boy, where she responded with, No Issak is erratic, he behavior is intolerable. She then proceeded to tell me that since Issak's behavior was so bad he would not be allowed back into guild next year, per the principal. (Issak is rezoned because of our house location, and testing scores, etc) I think I saw red and lost it for a moment, but quickly ended the phone conversation, and called my husband. He went to the school and spoke to the Principal, who informed him that he never said that, and that he would speak to Issak's teacher. <br /><br />In saying all this, I have decided that based on this school year, my son has been labeled as a problem. This is just, well..it makes my heart sad. My son is brilliant, he is not a problem. Leaving him at this school, and having the other teachers pre judge him before he even goes in their class is dumb... <br /><br />I have teacher friends who i respect, so I am asking, Why to them. When you guys have a child with ADHD, do you tell the parents they need to medicate? Do you challenge their decision? Do you make them feel like a bad parent? <br /><br />Why should I as a parent have to subject the clarity of my child to make his teacher have an easier day? I shouldn't. There was no ADHD medicine 100 years ago, and teachers did fine, why are they lazy today? (not all teachers just some) It tears me up inside.<br /><br />Some of my friends have children like Issak, and I say to them, help. Please tell me what I need to do. Change schools? Private school? Will his treatment be any different.<br /><br />I will not medicate my child for anyone but him. Period... I want him to be him. Not a drone that a teacher desires. <br /><br />Frustrated mommy... <br />JJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-44485911356383718502012-04-10T18:49:00.007-07:002012-04-10T19:17:45.870-07:00Being grateful for things I can't change<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL0Ukf-sE0um72pWFHL5qJAlmzwBGXuOKFYblB26NnhP1t9haScTWn6b9CnRlVulV-kZYLLJI03KQN0guT2or47O_8pECs_2IotkvWw_gEI8knfLdF4TW4RGEPfyMj5CviYjR72nB_xxQW/s1600/thing.3024649.l.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL0Ukf-sE0um72pWFHL5qJAlmzwBGXuOKFYblB26NnhP1t9haScTWn6b9CnRlVulV-kZYLLJI03KQN0guT2or47O_8pECs_2IotkvWw_gEI8knfLdF4TW4RGEPfyMj5CviYjR72nB_xxQW/s320/thing.3024649.l.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729961336806335362" /></a><br /><br />If you're happy and you know it<br />clap your hands!<br /><br />If you're happy and you know it<br />clap your hands!<br /><br />If you're happy and you know it<br />then your face will surely show it<br />If you're happy and you know it<br />clap your hands!<br /><br /><br />Beauty is in the eye of the be holder... I behold, that my life, though not perfect, has moments of absolute joy. <br /><br />This morning, I got up, and I was breathing.. JOY! I walked into my girls room, and although Maddy has peed the bed.. She wanted a hug, and asked me later to snuggle and give her kisses.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOFl0xLrjm0MDeKQES-oZrHrlgPCtcgS_CzmG-vRugwL2TBwJf2BOxvXwTWwI7Yi4Rjhf5TWSAALbgjwWfzS4VD-JMZ7J2UWEjE84MXrfS2AwR5TOqt1mzFOhV9y58C_c_NbLurLd2ZbFn/s1600/maddy.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOFl0xLrjm0MDeKQES-oZrHrlgPCtcgS_CzmG-vRugwL2TBwJf2BOxvXwTWwI7Yi4Rjhf5TWSAALbgjwWfzS4VD-JMZ7J2UWEjE84MXrfS2AwR5TOqt1mzFOhV9y58C_c_NbLurLd2ZbFn/s320/maddy.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729959721925369058" /></a> Maddy as a baby<br /><br /> Morgan, gosh Morgan.. I swear that little girl melts my soul. She makes me have such complete happiness. Just in her smile, and when I get home she screams "MOMMY!!!!!!!!" and she literally doesn't stop talking the entire time..<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZeUzVsMXWjNTEjPlC0pbLnlNhTsu7VIaDzkHpeYjA7tKJg_K-Z-1uyzIFl-rCVwDy4o8GkSXYStPZhnIFX99ECjVj2DXPGvOVFawSqA9nSb_xDU1yopF1_7T0S3SZ8ICnst9qKDzIuGP2/s1600/morgan+cowgirl.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZeUzVsMXWjNTEjPlC0pbLnlNhTsu7VIaDzkHpeYjA7tKJg_K-Z-1uyzIFl-rCVwDy4o8GkSXYStPZhnIFX99ECjVj2DXPGvOVFawSqA9nSb_xDU1yopF1_7T0S3SZ8ICnst9qKDzIuGP2/s320/morgan+cowgirl.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729960091755593138" /></a><br /><br /> LOL Issak, he is SO smart... I swear that kid will blow your mind just with a short sentence.. Such an amazing kid..<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMbrlPnI25j3sYYbFZzuSEP8olD4GmI6h-eFpzdpMOcHZNXRqtfQnDnRjJtD7I7PnyXuJWVkr9hI_yFucxb0_GIYyHVHHBXy9WMhXcgMUM2-pFL6p4iA8cVY01upmO1JuTY8b7Iq0sojk1/s1600/zeek+and+me.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMbrlPnI25j3sYYbFZzuSEP8olD4GmI6h-eFpzdpMOcHZNXRqtfQnDnRjJtD7I7PnyXuJWVkr9hI_yFucxb0_GIYyHVHHBXy9WMhXcgMUM2-pFL6p4iA8cVY01upmO1JuTY8b7Iq0sojk1/s320/zeek+and+me.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729960989423443026" /></a><br /><br /><br /> Then my husband.. sigh.. I am so blessed.. He is leaving to go to band practice, he feels crummy.. and he says he wishes he could stay home. I wished he would've too.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJpVUOAdjnCbR5nQ4MWHhrpxjvLTVhIC6815uniaBAMxzBj_36sJb7-9Q2aiOinCJX7U2BoFj38tvkdEAlDd4GJ-jKIAFQ-cmJ5ROAJgYo8BXrizijQFpPUu5pd8JCBLOrXHlJOR4A4WQC/s1600/jon+and+me.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJpVUOAdjnCbR5nQ4MWHhrpxjvLTVhIC6815uniaBAMxzBj_36sJb7-9Q2aiOinCJX7U2BoFj38tvkdEAlDd4GJ-jKIAFQ-cmJ5ROAJgYo8BXrizijQFpPUu5pd8JCBLOrXHlJOR4A4WQC/s320/jon+and+me.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729961133966704514" /></a><br /><br /> I know sometimes life gets the upper hand...and we tend to focus on the negative, but I am so blessed.. in many things... My career (yes my career.. it is not a job...) My family, my lifestyle change, and living healthy, my friends.. So many positive things... :) <br /><br />Take a moment to look at your life, and share your Joys every day.. My challenge to myself is to share a joy with everyone on my FB until May. Maybe I can make it an everyday habit. I challenge you to do it too! <br /><br />XOXO<br />JJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-57698615636267687022012-03-01T20:22:00.003-08:002012-03-01T20:31:35.270-08:00Sometimes you need to be reminded what love really is.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-3s_eYlAqcTSbCPHNOkJabPhvzzc6HzE7-c4em-jJcmuZoiddwtOSzBIw6l25lhEC5oyQqyNS0sbZmyta3tgfKOz4m1ZenjNg7GuT2kEQbBprUoNoLs6U5n7EOnG9eU88fHRUMdFEajO/s1600/hearts.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 208px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-3s_eYlAqcTSbCPHNOkJabPhvzzc6HzE7-c4em-jJcmuZoiddwtOSzBIw6l25lhEC5oyQqyNS0sbZmyta3tgfKOz4m1ZenjNg7GuT2kEQbBprUoNoLs6U5n7EOnG9eU88fHRUMdFEajO/s320/hearts.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5715152662242530226" /></a><br />Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know he is yours and you can wait. <br /><br />This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa. <br /><br />It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them. <br /><br />Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.<br /><br /><br />One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: <br /><br />That word is love. <br /><br />-Sophocles<br /><br />JJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-49570965901467751612012-02-12T04:58:00.000-08:002012-02-12T05:33:37.513-08:00The note you'll never see<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIv-iJQ_vssw9-za02Zdl1Sz2jtU_CYmDmfldEur74lFSxN-7IKFlEErSbChkbsiG0mbJXvtHIueIUTw5tRMFScUOf_Yqn7sptVwCIefjq93nJljxjwQi4Fca8aaraFAPprIfONUDOC1qO/s1600/There+comes+a+time.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 272px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIv-iJQ_vssw9-za02Zdl1Sz2jtU_CYmDmfldEur74lFSxN-7IKFlEErSbChkbsiG0mbJXvtHIueIUTw5tRMFScUOf_Yqn7sptVwCIefjq93nJljxjwQi4Fca8aaraFAPprIfONUDOC1qO/s320/There+comes+a+time.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708241602384306962" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />"This is the memory<br />This is the curse of having<br />Too much time to think about it<br />It's killing me<br />This is the last time<br />This is my forgiveness<br />This is endless"<br /><br /><br /><br />Losing a friend is hard, even though it is for the right reasons....<br /><br /><br /><br />Sometimes you lay awake at night, and wonder how you got here. How things changed, and how you became less important... Then you start thinking about all your what if's.. What if i could just rewind time like 4 months so I could stop some things..but then you ultimately realize that yes, the same story would have played out no matter what actions could have been changed on your part, because that "friend" wouldn't of changed. Then, I want to smack myself for staying awake playing it over in my head once again. <br /><br />I am dumb because I am still letting you reside in my mind, instead of truly moving on.. I know it will take time, i wish I could blink and forget the last 7 years with you, but I can't and it sucks..<br /><br />What's even worse, is now all your problems are my fault, I have created this pit you're in, when I really haven't. But that's what you believe, and its not a loss to you, you're not hurting because this is your vengeance. I try to make myself understand why, and I can't. How its so easy to not see me or my family. How hard it is for me to explain to my daughter you won't be around anymore. How I have had to delete all of your pictures, and take down paintings, and hide necklaces to try to force myself to not think about it. It really doesn't help. I try to make it seem like its not bothering me, but secretly it really does, and I think about it a lot..<br /><br />You see I have felt a huge distance for about a year, like this gap, that's scary because I have tried to ignore it, but it was always there. I can't think of what triggered it, but the independence from the divorce, and the friendship with S I am sure had a lot to do with it. Then in the last few months, I barely recognize you because of the amount of changes you've made. Regardless if they positive or not, the ones that are not, are the very ones I am bumfuzzled about.<br /><br />I am racking my brain to understand when we all became less important. when we became less of a constant in your life. Lately you have told me, you need to find your place, your happiness and you need time. How selfish is that? What was I going through when you were getting divorced? What about your first home treatment? I pushed away my troubles for you because you needed me. Have you thought about that? Have all the times I have relinquished time with my family to you meant nothing? You can't do the same for me? You do not have kids, and you can't do it? If you're not there for others when they need you, then why would they then need to be there for you?<br /><br />I am 27 years old, and i have never lost a good friend, a "bestie" as you would say. I am hurt, and heart broken, and I can't forget about it, can't let it go. I even bought you a birthday present out of habit.Its as if I have lost a limb. I had to block you on my phone because I have caught myself dialing your number....<br /><br />Maddy asked for you this morning, and it sent me into tears. She asks for you often and it always breaks my heart, you were her favorite you know?. <br /><br />I know you will not see this, and I guess that's OK, but I really needed to get this out, so I can maybe find solace today, and forget it for a little while. I will always love you and have a place in my heart for you, but I can't be ok with the way things have been, and I can't be ok with not being on someones "list", and to make even more of a point, I will not let my kids not matter, I won't let them get hurt again. <br /><br />Its an onward cycle.. one day it won't hurt as bad...<br /><br />J<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-khIRv-jsk1OA8g7RQo_QjkJjSV2O3wRfQBwjqRGvE8tZWwQqpjyfG3JJ5X7dTofk-q4nScb-8TQFq-O67BlkZ6faZRcQe62AhworomWp1FeVVVSi_XXnPam2tU9E9ZF8oQn3I8ffcIAL/s1600/183243_10150117110626988_702526987_6384506_7225257_n.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-khIRv-jsk1OA8g7RQo_QjkJjSV2O3wRfQBwjqRGvE8tZWwQqpjyfG3JJ5X7dTofk-q4nScb-8TQFq-O67BlkZ6faZRcQe62AhworomWp1FeVVVSi_XXnPam2tU9E9ZF8oQn3I8ffcIAL/s320/183243_10150117110626988_702526987_6384506_7225257_n.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708233112147141954" /></a>Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-53266791477134135832012-01-10T19:04:00.000-08:002012-01-10T19:42:58.916-08:00The end of times<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKW8WMelgjA-nZQxY78PemHnkrBpHOMzkt7aksV-VahDXsoVmAg6_NiIqGUzW51o6XYC0VPOhgPKt8r9Xg6_ygC2HZfNT2IDZVQ0Ge4PIc64tiELKzoQRoq-02gSNUE4E4CzFZXER0mok-/s1600/Feeling_sad_and_lonely_by_ppawelczak.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 256px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKW8WMelgjA-nZQxY78PemHnkrBpHOMzkt7aksV-VahDXsoVmAg6_NiIqGUzW51o6XYC0VPOhgPKt8r9Xg6_ygC2HZfNT2IDZVQ0Ge4PIc64tiELKzoQRoq-02gSNUE4E4CzFZXER0mok-/s320/Feeling_sad_and_lonely_by_ppawelczak.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5696214751318334946" /></a><br /><br />Quotes for me.. just for me<br /><br />Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.<br />-- Ann Landers<br /><br />Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?<br />-- Leo Buscaglia<br /><br />Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.<br />-- Gloria Naylor <br /><br />You are responsible for your life.<br />You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction.<br />Life is really about moving on.<br />- Oprah Winfrey<br /><br /><br /><br />In life, there's many things that we have to learn to let go. We have to let go of situations, things, memories, people and even ourselves.<br /><br />It's easy to form an attachment to people and things. When you've formed an attachment to people and things, it can be a very painful experience and feeling when you realized that it's time to let go. Even the mere thought of not having that person or thing in your life just squeezes your heart in pain.<br /><br />However, there are times where you or that person has changed to the extent that it's necessary to let go of the relationship or friendship, so that each of you can fulfill your life path.<br /><br />Letting go of your past and memories are also extremely hard. Even though old memories can be tormenting, yet you might hold on to the past and refuse to move forward. However, by refusing to let go of the painful past, it'll serve as a roadblock to love.<br /><br />Letting go of your old self and the process of letting the new you emerge can be one of the scariest experiences in your life. But by leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, it might just reveal what you are truly capable of becoming.<br /><br />As i sit here crying at loss, loss of a very close friend, my heart hurts. Not at the loss though... it hurts at my meaning. Or the absence of what should have been my meaning. I was nothing, not important, merely a burden. <br /><br />I am worth much more, I am worth time, I am worth phone calls, I am worth love, and I am worth friendship. NOT the mediocre kind either. GREAT friendship. <br /><br />Sometimes you put walls up, not to keep people out, but honestly to see who cares enough to break them down, and she didn't. <br /><br />I know people come in and out of your life for a reason. I guess for me, I just never expected that season to end. <br /><br />“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”<br /><br />This quote is perfect, because it is exactly what I feel right now. The way you react and what attitude you have speaks volumes about yourself. I need to work on this, a lot. My attitude is piss poor right now, about a lot of stuff.. but this has affected me to the point where I am so lost,confused, out of it etc.. that I don't know what my attitude is saying...<br /><br />BUT, today is it.. I cried, I talked about it, prayed, called my therapist. Cried on my husband, talked to my friends, talked to my boss, and that's ENOUGH. I will not waste my life with feeling let down anymore. Loss sucks, but I have family, and other things that are more important than this. <br /><br />"We can always participate in loose talks to curb our boredom. But when it comes to you friends its not worth it. Always avoid talking behind the back about your near and dear friends"<br /><br />Two Frogs<br /><br />A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.<br /><br />The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.<br /><br />There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day. So be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. <br /><br />.For my friends, I ask this of you... I need you, not every moment of every day, but sometimes. I need love, and to know you are a live. To know you care and that I exist in your world. in return, I will be there for no matter what you may go through, even if it is 1 am. (although, I may be pissed :P) just be there... thats all. Its not much, but it is what this girl requires. <br /><br />It doesn't take much to remain my family, not much at all. For now, I am going to eat a bowl of cereal and curl up in my cozy bed with my husband holding me, as he has the whole night while I have cried, and attempt to sleep this horrible day away. <br /><br />JJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-56939098081124617262012-01-08T19:24:00.000-08:002012-01-08T19:39:55.768-08:00New Year<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7h3Q0pg1sEk1jM7syMRnlGtAzI85Vcv1idDMULLUDPyWsu4vddPKk9p1eaMpUMiFDa8W8iSqB5udoDEz9ikq-4zqNH2g1uVi5vM-Pv-yOTvFbU6V_8zPuoqpeDX-lxKBOelZzjsFSYsBu/s1600/happynewyear5.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7h3Q0pg1sEk1jM7syMRnlGtAzI85Vcv1idDMULLUDPyWsu4vddPKk9p1eaMpUMiFDa8W8iSqB5udoDEz9ikq-4zqNH2g1uVi5vM-Pv-yOTvFbU6V_8zPuoqpeDX-lxKBOelZzjsFSYsBu/s320/happynewyear5.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695471573065451202" /></a><br /><br /><br />Should auld acquaintance be forgot, <br />And never brought to mind? <br />Should auld acquaintance be forgot, <br />And auld lang syne! <br /><br />For auld lang syne, my dear, <br />For auld lang syne. <br />We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet, <br />For auld lang syne.<br /><br />And surely ye’ll be your pint stowp!<br />And surely I’ll be mine!<br />And we’ll tak a cup o’kindness yet,<br />For auld lang syne.<br /><br />We twa hae run about the braes,<br />And pou’d the gowans fine;<br />But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,<br />Sin’ auld lang syne.<br /><br />We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,<br />Frae morning sun till dine;<br />But seas between us braid hae roar’d<br />Sin’ auld lang syne.<br /><br />And there’s a hand, my trusty fere!<br />And gie’s a hand o’ thine!<br />And we’ll tak a right gude-willie waught,<br />For auld lang syne.<br /><br />Happy New Years!<br /><br /><br /><br />2012<br /><br />Gosh can you believe it... I am still sitting here open mouthed, gaping that its here. I have had quite a turbulent year, full of a TON of things. I am happy to say that my Thyroid came back clean. I have a tumor that is NOT cancerous, I will have to be monitored every three months due to its size, but hey its better than what it could have been. I got a new job, lost it, and got another job, which I LOVE. I am so blessed. I have decided that i will look at this year differently, starting by letting all my followers read something I read that really changed my pespective on a few things (THanks Katy Blake)It's called 30 things to STOP doing to your self<br /><br /><br /><br />Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.<br /><br />Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.<br /><br />Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.<br /><br />3.Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.<br /><br />Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.<br /><br />Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.<br /><br />Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.<br /><br />Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.<br /><br />Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.<br /><br />Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.<br /><br />Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.<br /><br />Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.<br /><br />Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.<br /><br />Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.<br /><br />Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.<br /><br />Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”<br /><br />Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.<br /><br />Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.<br /><br />Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.<br /><br />Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.<br /><br />Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.<br /><br />Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.<br /><br />Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.<br />Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.<br /><br />Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.<br /><br />Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.<br /><br />Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.<br /><br />Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.<br /><br />Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.<br />Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.<br /><br />I am telling you, I am very much an offender of doing more than half of this list. I will make the necessary changes to make MYSELF happy this year. It is a year for me, and my family, and NO ONE else. Good luck to all this year. Faith Hope love, and blessings, lots of blessings.<br /><br /><br />JJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-3897254228155499062011-10-19T20:26:00.000-07:002011-10-19T20:57:01.892-07:00Life...blink..... woah it changed<span style="font-style:italic;">"Hold me responsible <br />It's all my fault, I want<br />You to hold me any way you can<br />Hold me responsible <br />It's all my fault, I want<br />You to hold me any way you can <br />Hold me accountable <br />It's all my fault, I want <br />You to hold me any way you can <br />Anyway you can "</span><br /><br />Life.. well it changes in an instant, with a stupid phone call, or even a simple doctors visit. Your life as you know it can change just as quickly as the rain can start, or the sun sets, or you blink and a year is gone. I guess in the past, I've know this, but never truly felt it (other than blinking, and seeing my kids grow). Over the last month of my life, it has been MIND BOGGLING. I have started a new job, found the root of my back problems as well discovered the root of my weight problems, mood problems, and exhaustion problems. <br /><br />What started as a nodule is now a cyst/ tumor on my thyroid. I can't begin to describe to you the feeling of loss when you have a doctor call you and tell you that basically you will have to have surgery and be on medication for the rest of your life, that something could possibly be cancerous, and that there is really nothing you can do about it.. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7TZAiCHzFb_vJ_acno1cslqRzJ6Ei3bBdEjxldNXuM_Chp3ABOnRTkLkWnILe7zP2Ggnb_sug5FYE-Yoj_bCnTWNEbJ81Dp6KQvwKKPcU7aRazxuk1kv-bHxvzltMqCyCvX3z3VUV0DIk/s1600/helpless1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7TZAiCHzFb_vJ_acno1cslqRzJ6Ei3bBdEjxldNXuM_Chp3ABOnRTkLkWnILe7zP2Ggnb_sug5FYE-Yoj_bCnTWNEbJ81Dp6KQvwKKPcU7aRazxuk1kv-bHxvzltMqCyCvX3z3VUV0DIk/s320/helpless1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5665412747497942482" /></a><br /><br />Helpless....<br /><br />I.AM.SCARED<br />I.FEEL.ALONE<br />I.AM. OVERWHELMED<br />I.AM.LOST<br /><br />The timing in impecable.. I mean right? With everything else going on this is just added mmpphhh..<br /><br />Life is literally punching me in my face..<br /><br />How the hell do I get over this? How do I over come?<br /><br />Pray, ok.. Check did that.. do i feel relief, well yeah, but I can't sleep.. I sit up awake or lay there awake thinking of my job, and being there such a short time, worried I may or may not be able to keep the job in the event of surgery, which at this point is inevitable seeing that he growth has doubled in size in 2 weeks....<br /><br />Ask for help, done... called.. expressed.. I need help.. I need love.. i need support.. I NEED MY MOM, and she isn't here. she is 400 miles away, and I want her to hug me.. so much right now... My friends.. well they have lives that do not revole around my needs.. and i have to wait for them.. and it sucks<br /><br />I am down for the count.. out... and well its hard to explain, and be optimistic when i have this cloud nailing me in the head ....<br /><br />God will provide.. he will provide..<br /><br />HE WILL PROVIDE<br /><br />I need to keep reminding myself of that.. he only will give me what I can handle and nothing more...<br /><br />BUT its really really hard..<br /><br />Its so so hard.. <br /><br />Pray for my strength, It is fading quickly at the moment<br /><br /><3 busy b JJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-257416461989473420.post-69849320018341834472011-10-09T07:59:00.000-07:002011-10-09T08:42:12.018-07:00My, amazing..screwed up....spur of the moment...high on life...thought process<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgur5SYUCpyGjucwFWbL4CDP6z549IKZHMILiwmNO1pUhXSx7nO7erzyruNAVszFmuUSLBq1-vCvtKwkXJiuxYBGQU51ui8O-p9qBqOJL3Tm-M1WugAYbNiBD82zYbX4DaO7UEZx_DhERBi/s1600/heart.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 258px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgur5SYUCpyGjucwFWbL4CDP6z549IKZHMILiwmNO1pUhXSx7nO7erzyruNAVszFmuUSLBq1-vCvtKwkXJiuxYBGQU51ui8O-p9qBqOJL3Tm-M1WugAYbNiBD82zYbX4DaO7UEZx_DhERBi/s320/heart.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5661510269883115586" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Why am I feeling so guilty<br /><br />Why am I holding my breath<br /><br />Worry about everyone but me and I just keep losing my breath....<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span><br /><br />My days have been long, and my time has been short... I feel lonely and like I am missing out on something... My life maybe?? I am not sure... My job is stressful.. Its not that I don't like it, its just.. a LOT.. and I really miss my sweet kids. I've gained weight from the stress, and I have hurt my back recently so it is making it difficult doing all the working out i did prior to my back pain... <br /><br />October, while it is beautiful, and it is my favorite season, it is my least favorite month. We used to have an annual party every year for halloween... The last one we had was the best.. Jon and I dressed up as Madea and Uncle Jon.. we had a hot dog roast, carved pumpkins and made smores... My house was full of laughter and friends, and it was perfect.. This was the last Halloween Party that I think my house will ever hold. The memories and people from this last party can never be repeated, so in saying that, I do not want to replace those memories. <br /><br />ha ha I remember Brandy showing me how Bain had gas (he was a newborn at the time) and showing me how she could take his knees and push the gas out.. ha ha ha her, me,Jon, and Paul laughed for hours. I remember talking about going to Sams, and getting certain things... Like I said these memories can never be replaced...<br /><br />We miss him... a lot....<br /><br />So I am not 100% now.. I will get there, and with Christmas coming and winter, I am optimistic of the wonderful seasonal changes, and the fun times ahead. <br /><br />I am blessed with a beautiful family, gah they make me happy... so so so happy. Maddy comes up with the most amazin ways to make me laugh out loud... Morgan makes me want to freeze her in time, and Issak is the smartest kid ever.. he has all a's in school right now...<br /><br />ALL things to be extremely happy and proud about.. <br /><br />On another note, I have recently realized that I miss my art, as well as my crafts... When I get paid on friday, I am going to invest in some of my craft stuff again.. people should expect a lot of cool home made gifts for christmas. I have a ton of ideas, and I can't wait to start.. :) <br /><br />I am still slowy but surely working on music.. in more ways than anyone knows... I have a suprise that will blow my husbands mind... I can not wait for Christmas... <br /><br />I end up rambling in my blogs.. ha ha.. It is a ton of random thoughts, I throw together on a website, BUT it makes me happy.. it makes me relieved, it makes me get things off my chest I wouldn't normally...<br /><br />Like I want to go back to school, but honestly do not have the strength to make the leap... I have a few ideas of what I want to do... Art teacher, Social Worker, or I want to create my own business... possibly own a shop.. I don't know for sure yet, but I am meant for so much more...<br /><br />We were meant to live for so much more<br /><br />have we lost ourselves?<br /><br />Somewhere we live inside<br /><br />Somewhere we live inside<br /><br />We were meant to live for so much more<br /><br />Have we lost ourselves?<br /><br />Somewhere we live inside<br /><br />Dreaming about Providence<br /><br />And whether mice or men have second tries<br /><br />Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open<br /><br />Maybe we're bent and broken. Broken<br /><br />We were meant to live for so much more<br /><br />Have we lost ourselves?<br /><br />This song rings true in me right now... I am sad.. I will be better.. but love me right now, be there, hug me when I cry, hug me when I smile, answer when I call... make time for the small things... I need to be surrounded by greatness this month... <br /><br />Love you all<br />JJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10862608934372785897noreply@blogger.com0