yeah kids consume your life

I was told yesterday that "kids shouldn't run our life".. I have pondered on this now for a bit and slept on it.. And I have my own thoughts on what this means to me. 

He was right.. Kids shouldn't run our life..

Kids should consume it. Having a child isn't a novelty thing.. It's not for fun.. It's not for shits and giggles. You have children because you decided at some point that you wanted to leave a legacy. That you wanted to become a parent. That you wanted to be a teacher. That you wanted to complete something. 

You have kids to breath life into someone, teach them, mold them, make them a reputable member of society. You pray for them.. You love them.. You feed them.. Dress them. 

Life as you knew it is over when they arrive. 

I remember having my son. I remember him being placed on my chest. I was a stupid 18 year old kid. I had no idea what having a child meant. I could not even fathom what was going to happen to me. I thought I was in love with the person whom I was having Issak with.. But my goodness what happened to my heart when I saw that boy.. The feeling can not be described in words. It's a feeling I have felt three wonderful times.. It's the feeling of your heart expanding.. Making more room for love to fill it. 

When they are not with me... I am not complete. I very seldom use sitters.. I don't do things they can not do.. Because I want them with me. My life is not complete without them. I am not whole without them. 

For those of us who have children... Do me a favor.. When you think about going out on a Friday night because you need a break.. Call it a break. Don't say your children shouldn't run your life... Because chances are.. They already do. And if they don't.. Honey you're doing it wrong. 

 

 

missing him

 

I don't blog often enough. I have to remind myself that it helps clear my thoughts... Or reset my brain if you will. Sometimes thoughts flow and you need to just put them on paper for everyone to see. 

You see I've had this month from hell. I know many know my grandfather passed away.. Beyond what an amazing man he was.. And what he meant to everyone else's life he touched... He was my grandfather.. My pa pa. My second dad..my everything. I still cry thinking of losing him. I haven't been able to talk about him without crying. I wear his shirt to bed.. I can still feel His presence at my grandmothers. I can hear him yelling about the liner of the pool.. Or hearing his testimony as to why I need to return to church. (I'm working on this) 

I can't put into words how much I miss this man. His presence. His voice.. And the way he loved me at times I didn't think anyone would. I lost my best friend. 

So I'll leave everyone with that.. A thought of his Donald Duck voice.. And how it's coming up on a month without him.. And I still feel like I am living in a fairy tale. 

I love you more than words my pa pa. 

Busy bee Jess 

 

It gets easier

Do you wanna know what's hard? Being a single parent. It doesn't get easier... Especially when you have another parent to deal with. I'll give you examples of things I'm sure parents with a partner take for granted... When it's 11 at night and you have heartburn and you're out of medicine.. And you really need medicine but you can't run to the store cause the kids are asleep... So you drink milk until you can't stand it and you go back to sleep. Or when your favorite bands in town and your best friends going but you have no sitter. When you really want new shoes but your son needs bells.. 

 Becoming a single mom has made me look at the phrase "put on your big girl panties and deal with it". There are so many things I do differently now. And there are times I can't believe I do it alone. I rearrange rooms, move TVs, cook, clean, fix boo boos, brush hair.... I amaze myself. 

 But you know what sucks the most about being a single parent... When they go back to their dads for his time.. And you sit in the quiet house, alone, with your heart breaking because you miss them. The loneliness sucks.. 

I have become a pro at being alone though it doesn't really get better. I miss adults.. I miss normal things. 

Being a single parent is the most rewarding experience I've faced because it has made me bullet proof. Not many people can say that. 

Jess

Cause it's a really hard time.. And it's really just scary

I've procrastinated on going to the doctor.. Why? Well let's be honest.. You gain a little weight.. You change insurances.. You have to go grocery shopping.. You don't want to miss work.. And the list goes on. The last time I had a full physical was over 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with thyroid disease that landed me on a roller coaster of meds. So after 3 years and having a million aches and pains.. And in all honesty feeling like crap.. And did I mention the 30 lb weight gain that was out of the blue? Yeah that too. I started slowly with my dentist.. And I needed extensive work so that was my focus for a bit.. I moved on to my regular family doctor. A new one actually who seemed very concerned with the thickening in my throat. She ordered a mountain of tests that I agreed to. I left there and went for x Rays at Hendersonville hospital. Same day I had an apt with my ob. As I sit here two weeks later with the news my doctors told me.... I'm flabbergasted, scared out of my mind, very worried on how I'm supposed to pay for the procedures I need to fight this stuff, mad at myself for not going to the doctor sooner, exhausted.. Physically and emotionally.. And just... At a loss. My regular doctor informed me that the cyst on my thyroid has doubled in size and has spread to my right side.. She stated it could be cancerous.. But no matter what they will remove it.(meaning my entire thyroid) So.. Surgery. My ob told me that my test grew carcinoma cells which are prevalent in cervical and ovarian cancer. I am having further studies in the next few weeks... But the fact of the matter is this.. My body is already growing an epithelial cell that is growing a type of cancer. So there's the word.. Cancer.. And let's just say this.. While we are being honest.. It's such a shitty word. It's not nice.. It doesn't play fair.. And it sucks... To know that my chances of a hysterectomy are high... Makes me nauseated. I know I am supposed to have another child... Sometime.. So this hurts my heart so much. 

 Now many people are telling me to be strong.. And for those who know me, I am strong. Probably one of the strongest people you'll meet. I kick ass and I take names.. And I wouldn't have it any other way. However, I am very allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to be brought to my knees.. I'm allowed to be needy, and want my mommy who lives hundreds of miles from me. I'm allowed to fear for my kids. I'm allowed to worry how this will affect my job.. I'm allowed to be frightened beyond belief, and still be strong. So.. Pray for me. Pray for my family.. But most of all pray for my sanity. Because so far there have been days that I am in a fog.. And clarity would very much help. Also,being alone.. Yeah it's not helping me. I need love and support.. And hugs.. And if anyone has any ideas about fundraising or anything of the sort.. Please tell me.. Because I will need it. Thanks for listening... 

Jess

Just... Overwhelmed

Does any other mom have the issue of literally not having enough time? It takes me an hour at least to get to work.. I work 8-9 hours then it takes me an hour at least to get home. When I get home I have to make dinner clean up from dinner and then spend an hour or so playing.. Reading.. Checking homework.. Listening about days.. At the same time I am washing clothes.. Giving baths.. Etc. 

Most nights by 8:30 I'm actually able to sit down only to remember that I have laundry to do.. A bed to make.. Kitchen to clean.. Who the heck knows what else.

 Tonight we had sandwiches for dinner... Did that save me time? No.. Because I had two showers.. A bath.. And a nice story about glasses to deal with. 

The kids beebop between my home and their dads.. The weeks they are not here... Suck. I usually work very late and stay away from my house. 

So... I'm sitting here.. Absolutely exhausted..almost to tears actually. I have a mountain.. Literally a mountain of laundry to fold.. And another to wash.. Or four... Dishes to wash.. 

Overwhelmed isn't even the word. 

Did I mention how stressed I am about this thyroid thing?

Sigh

Being a mom is the best thing.. But it's also the hardest thing ever. Tell me I'm not the only one...

Just because you donate doesn't make you a father

Let me start this out by saying this is in no way about my kids dad. This post is about some stuff I've seen and it's disgusting and well I want to blog my opinion. So here goes....

You are an awkward, in a weird place, different teenage girl. You've been cheated on, hurt, and left so many times that you're not sure you'll ever meet the guy.. Ya know.. That guy. The one.

Then one day you meet him. The one you think is your everything. The one you decide to give everything to, including your body.. Because you love him, and your heart controls your mind. And well you're happy. Most of the time, right?

Then life comes along..

And you get two straight lines on a test you didn't intend on taking for years.

You're pregnant..

But hey it's ok because you're in love.

But wait...

He isn't. He has left. Fighting starts.... Lies start. And you realize the man you fell in love with is nothing but a boy playing make believe.

He deserts you during your pregnancy. He lies and tells you everything you want to hear but does none of it. He misses appointments.. He pays for nothing.. He dumps you over and over again. Then one day it hits you.

I am going to be a single mom, because my daughters father is a child.

He is a deadbeat. Because if he isn't there for the pregnancy... Why would he be there for the actual hard part? The baby?

Here's my thoughts..

first of all the girl didn't get herself pregnant. It's as much responsibility to the boy as it is the girls.

Also.. What example is that man giving to his child? Would he want his daughter treated that way someday?

I also think this even stems from the parents that raised him..

It's time for parents to stand up and raise our kids to be good parents.

To let them know backing down from a challenge is not ok..

To let them know that there are some things you don't have choices about.

It's time for a lot of stupid boys to grow up. Just because you don't carry the child doesn't make you free from all responsibility.

It's time to be a damn parent.

It's time for responsibility.

It's time to man the hell up.

And if you can-

Practice abstinence before marriage or at least be safe....

Be safe..

Be safe

find your person...

Just saying

J

Why sometimes it just sucks

There is not a book that tells you how to feel when you co parent. Nothing written in stone that tells you what to do in certain situations.. there is not a co parenting bible.. Hell by the time my kids are 18 I may feel like i have written the bible on it. I have been doing it for a year and a half now.. and a lot of things suck.. so I am going to talk about those.. because honestly people do not get it. 1. Coming home alone.... A long time ago i used to LOVE coming home to no one. I could relax.. cook dinner.. do laundry.. clean.. get things done before the "crazy" started. It rarely happened, but i loved it when it did. Now every other week, I am alone. When I say alone, I mean alone alone. Right now, I am eating pickles and typing this blog.. and i hate it. I miss my kids giggles.. i miss nightly routine. I miss their smiles, smells, voices. I miss being their mommy. I miss it all. I also miss company... Having someone to talk to at night. I miss falling asleep next to someone. Being alone.. is awful. 2. Having to reset.... my parenting and my ex husbands parenting are VERY different.. so we have a few days of "reset". Where they have to realize they are back here and not there. The worst day is Monday. Its like I have new strange children EVERY week. 3. Hearing about how they love a "step" parent.... A parent that has had nothing to do with them until now.. and the only reason they are there is by circumstance. It breaks my heart. 4. Holidays... missing my kids on holidays... there will be no early morning Christmas for me.. because my kids will not be here. Not until 10 AM on Christmas day. 5. Sharing my friends.. I am not going to elaborate on this.. but just know it hurts. Those are just to name a few. My daughter tells me all the time "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".. and I have made that my omen as of late. I have made my circumstances.. I am just.. sad sometimes. So for all of you that ask why I am sad sometimes.. here it is.

Missing him

Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.

I can not believe I've known this man a year now.. that a short year ago I'd start a texting journey that would end with me falling in love..and being loved back. Finding that I'm worthy of appreciation..caring..and just awesomeness.  Blah blah.. I know. So I sit here missing my guy. He is in Florida and will be until Sunday.. I will see him Monday night.. that's almost 4 days from now. .. while I miss his smell..his laugh.. his touch.. and many other things.. I miss his voice the most. It's been two days since I've heard it and I just... Miss it. Does this make me a sap.. I guess.. but does it make me realize how very much in love with him I am.. yeah. So while I'll mosey on through the rest of the week and I'll get through it.. and seeing him Monday will be terrific.. my heart aches a little for my guy. Love you Josh.

Ps. He is having a blast.

Getting comfortable...my journey at the year mark

"It's all so simple when you break it all down..two roads converged down the hollow ground..it's taken all my life to hear the sound of sweet simplicity..."

Ahhh simplicity.. Getting comfortable.

You go through this traumatic event.. that blows your entire world sky high...then you start to heal. You join support groups..you talk to your friends (the ones that are actually there to listen) you lose friends along the way.. But ultimately you heal.. now.. a year is behind me.. and I'm stronger..And I'm happier.. And I've moved on. But.. does it still hurt? YES. So much at times that I in fact have to will myself out of bed. But..I do it. Maybe not smiling..But I do it.

Why do I do it? Because I don't have another choice. My kids don't care if I'm sad that stuff failed. They care about going swimming..going to the park..playing baseball..dancing.. that's what is important to them. And so that is what's important to me.

Now..the moving on thing is tricky..

"I'm in love in love with a wonderful guy...that's what's the matter with me.. "

Yes. I met someone who has become my person. His family is wonderful..and I can see a lot of future there. Which is incredible..because if you know my boyfriend you know why I say that I wasn't sure where we would go in the beginning. And at the time..I was ok with that.. I wasn't ready for serious.. now..I can't imagine my life without him. It's crazy how things work out. I can't believe it's been 10 months.. they have flown by.

Making the decision to let your heart go after a divorce is so Damn hard.. it is HARD. But trust your heart..

My friends.. I've made New ones with this new job.. But ultimately they know who they are.. the ones who have been there for me and will continue to be there for me. I love you

Basically I'm writing to say..hey I'm doing ok. I'm happy. But the battle isn't over.. it's just not. And I have my moments where I may just not look it. Dealing with an ex is hard.. and sometimes..I may need help..and prayers..and good thoughts.

I'm humbled by my journey..and know I'm still climbing a mountain.. But I'll climb a little and stop and see a glimpse of the beautiful view..And I know it will be worth the climb..

Hopefully when I make it I'll build a house and stay this time.. maybe I'll finally have a real happily ever after.

It can be done..

Things they don't prepare you for when becoming a parent

I have had an eventful morning.. the girls are currently dancing in their room.. issak is playing with his friend outside.. so im taking a moment to literally laugh. I thought id share my laughter with all of you. 

20 Things they dont prepare you for when you have a lot of kids..

1.you will never poop , pee, shower, or fart alone ever again.
2. oh.. is that your food mommy? No.. no its not. Its mine now.
3. i just ate 7 pieces of bacon and six eggs.. but im completely famished....starving.. whatever "cant I atleast have a piece of bread"
4. did you tell me no? Im going to scream for 20 minutes.. that has to change your mind.
5. ive been silent for 20 minutes.. did I just hear the phone ring? I need everything ive ever needed NOW
6. Moms sleeping.. im going to scream like im being murdered.. mmmooooommmm
"what do you need are you ok.. whats wrong"
oh.. I just want some water.
7. Boogers are made to be eaten
8. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a delicacy. No.. I dont want that casserole that took you 2 hours. Pb and j stat
9. Wait.. is this a fancy restaurant?. . Oh they dont have McDonald's chicken nuggets? Im going to scream now
10. Its bedtime.. im finally a sleep.. wait mom just put in a dvd.. "hey mommy what cha doing.. ya got popcorn?"
11. Is it Thursday and time for your show? I wanna watch doodlebops now.. and im going to cry until its on.
12. Walls are made for crayons.. im freaking Picasso
13. Mommy's boobs are so interesting. . I want to touch them in public because im a weirdo.
14. I just saw a guy with no legs mom.. "hey man why dont you have legs"
15. 6 am on a saturday? Pssh where's my pop tart?
16. Every sibling is wrong but me and I must tattle immediately. .everyone must know.. "HE is being mean to mmeeeee"
17. Wait.. we've listened to let it go 1 million times? "Mommy can you play let it go"
18. MOMMY STOP THE CAR THERE IS A FLY AND HE IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!
19. Mommy's cleaning.. "mom can you come look at the world I built on mine craft. No it cant wait 5 min.. you must come now"
And last but not least. .
20. Parking lots are free for all's and made to run in. .. especially into on coming traffic.  Right?

Hope this made you laugh. This all happened to me in the last I dunno 24 hours..

Jess ♥

The letter to a potential step mom

Since coming to terms with me.. and being in a much better place.. and Happy. So so very happy. I wrote the following letter, to the other woman that will be in my kids life. I decided to share it, because I know others who are going through divorce and step parenting and all that jazz, and thought it might help other people. Being a co- parent is hard guys.. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my LIFE.. It hurts.. causes jealousy.. makes you question if you are in fact a good mom. But looking back, and comparing my life then.. to my life now... I may struggle.. (and for those who really know me.. you know I do) but I know what being happy feels like. I know what it feels like to get up and not being angry.. and to truly let stuff go, and find me.. So that's how I was able to write this. To the woman dating my children's father, I know that this is an awkward talk. I realize that we may spend years being a little uncomfortable around each other. You're about to become the mother (whether it be "step" "bonus" or just plain "mom") of my "life" (or kiddos). I'm preparing to share you with a title I hold very dear and close to my heart. We are fixing to enter into a tense, emotional, and very difficult relationship that probably won't work out the way either of us has planned. However, we are going to attempt it, and make it work because both of us have loved the same man... and hopefully (once you meet them) the children he has fathered. I am not going to waste your time convincing you how AMAZING my children are. You'll find that out all on your own. I am not going to tell you about their quirks, or their favorite foods, or which one likes to snuggle. (psst it's Morgan) You deserve the opportunity to know them and form your own opinions. Your relationship with them will be much different than mine because you will share your own memories and secrets. I am going to make a request that I hope you will consider. Don't love them half heartedly. Don't hold yourself back in fear of competition or confusion. Because, the fact of the matter is "my kids" are about to become "our kids". We are both going to care for them in our own way. These "babies" we are raising aren't going to worry about the toys. They aren't going to care about rules that were set by whom... They are going to be blessed by the love of 4 "parents". (some birth and some not) They are going to have more role models, more people who want the very best for them, and more places to turn when they're confused and upset. We are obviously not in a traditional family here, but we will have more opportunity for perspective and love because of it. Over the years we may disagree... We may have different opinions on how to approach discipline and schooling. I will try my best.. my very best...to be fair and rational when discussing these choices... I want to present a united front to our kids when we make a decision. I hope we both can remember, we are only doing what's best for these "crazy gingers" that are in our lives. I want to talk openly and keep the lines of communication there so we all can be comfortable. More than anything I do NOT want you on the side lines afraid that you are going to hurt my big "momma sized" ego. Please do not setup boundaries in your relationship with our kids. When you and Jon started dating and you agreed to meet the kids you (maybe unknowingly) took on the responsibility to become a "parent" to our children. you pledged to love them just as you did their father. I am happy that Jon and my sweet babies will have another person that cares about them in their lives. I am not worried about the first mom/ second mom issue. I am not concerned with establishing my place.. (I have made my place in their lives already). It won't help anyway. What will help them to adjust to this family dynamic is to know that every parent they have, loves and cares for them. To know that we are all here to support them as they grow. I want to be in this journey together. We do not need to be best friends, though I have NO problem if we were to become close. We do not need to agree all the time, though I hope we will always respect one another's opinions. I just want us to be on the same team. So, from the very bottom of my heart, I want to welcome you to our very silly, beautiful, fun, and crazy special family of red heads. God speed.. you are going to need it. Jess Busy b Jess.. <3

My encounter of an amazing valentines day.

I had the most remarkable valentines day.

In case you guys were not aware. I have been dating someone exclusively for a few months now. We have been talking for 3. We went to high school together. . Actually sat right next to each other on graduation day. He has fallen in my lap.. and he puts this ridiculously retarded smile on face.

Happy. What is that? Hell I haven't known that for such a long time. But he makes me incredibly happy.

My first amazing Valentines day went something like this . He works nights so he stopped by on his way to work. I gave him something.. and we talked for a bit. And he left for work. He kept commenting about the rain. Eventually he told me to go outside.. my car was covered in gifts. Chocolates... cards..

I cried.

I brought the stuff in and cried.. he called and told me not to cry...and was so.incredibly sweet.

I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve this.... I deserve happy and this truly amazing guy.

Josh.. you're the best. I am so glad you asked Cori about me a bit ago.. I'm a lucky girl.

J

Just a little glimpe

I never thought I'd be here. In the single mom world.. when you get married the entire goal is forever. "Happily ever after" but the actual reality is not happily ever after. Even those amazing marriages you see.. have their bad parts.

I never thought I'd be starting over before my 30th birthday.

My ex husband and I had our first child young. ..we were young and in love and Issak surprised us.  Followed by marriage.. 4 miscarriages and then madalynn.. then morgan. 13 years I was with him... married for 9.. he was my everything.

I won't bore you with the demise... or the sad details of everything that happened. Most of my friends know anyway.. the point of this blog is to share a little insight to people who've not decided to leave.. or that have left and are hurting.

I left.. yeah. I did. There were a million other ways I could have done it.. but the point of the matter is.. I did.

I would cry myself to sleep.. every night. There were days I couldnt move.. it hurt to see couples.. it hurt to see families.  (It still hurts to see families) .. and honestly.. its an onward battle. I will do great for a long time.. and then I will completely break down. Usually it couples with other stress..

How I get through it.. is my kids... surrounding myself with people who actually want to be around me..

See this battle has also shed light on my true friends.. people who are there.. then there are those who are so happy in their own life they dont know what to say.. so they say nothing... then people who are there to the point that them not being there hurts.. all of my friends have their parts.. this goes for family as well.

Ice cream helps too.

I am not ready to think about step parents.. or anything like that.. it still hurts.. and another thing.. falling in love again scares me. I miss love.. I miss cuddling with someone at night.. God being lonely.. its horrible. For those who've never gone through this.. you dont know lonely.. that lonely when your babies are gone.. and all you want is to sleep.. that lonely...

The point is this... yeah Valentine's day is coming.. yeah ill be alone.. because I dont have a "boyfriend".. I don't have plans.. what will happen that night? Ill cry.. ill eat ice cream.. and ill probably be a mess. But I bet the next day ill laugh.. get over it..  divorce.. its a one day at a time thing.  Even when its complete.. it takes a piece of you. .

So here is to figuring it out.. taking one step at a time.. and falling in love again. To finding amazing opportunities. . And being happy.. and good luck..  

Divorce sucks.. life doesnt.. here's to moving on with a vengeance.  Wish me major luck.

Good luck to anyone this helps. Im here if you need to vent. Xoxo.

J

But how can you be happy without cake?

It's been a while...

This year has been crazy nuts.  Let me go into the nitty gritty. 

I've literally lost me.

You see..you think you know who you are..and then something comes along and shocks you to the core. Everything you thought you knew about yourself. ..gone. in an instant. A new you..

This year has been full of heart break... misleadings..torment...turmoil..but also overwhelming love.

I have felt unrequited love for a while. Its hard loving someone who doesn't love you back the same way. Sometimes it take a catastrophic event to make them realize what they are missing. Regardless,  going through that process was draining. 

You see.. I'm a believer of the devine.. things happen for a reason.. there is always an outcome. And "he" is always 8 steps ahead. God knows what our fate will be. .. He knew before we were born. However, having continued faith that he "has this" is hard. 

Its 4 am.. and I'm wide awake. Because this is the quietest part of the day. I can sit and reflect on tons of stuff. Somethings I don't even want to reflect on.  I'm trying to give myself a moment to get back to me. Problem is... I am not sure when that will be. I need patience. I also need support and love.. and for people to not be so blind.

Sigh... I need a mind eraser... and reprogrammer that tells me.. I only like salads.. that I do not like cake.. and that I am blissfully happy.  But howwww can you be happy without cake.. ?!?!

J
 

Wait for it.. LIfe hubba what

"Life is way to short to be anything but happy" I am going to make this short and sweet, but its been a bit. Anywhoo.. the above quote is just.. well right. I know people right now who are miserable.. Life comes at ya, and you just can't get up.. it knocks ya down like a tidal wave. BUT you keep fighting.. Stuff sucks.. for real.. it does. Your job, coming home.. mad spouses, whiney kids.. It happens to the best of us.. I am going to try to look at my positives daily.. (because in all honestly with the "let down" that i experience on a daily basis.. I have to) I challenge you to do the same.. What is your joy? What are you grateful for today? Share it, do it... :D Jess

Battle of the.......

2 years ago today, I was working at the MSC. I thought that was where I was supposed to be. I thought that my life as I knew it was going on the path it was supposed to go on. I was quite content working my claims, making no money, and doing it everyday and being miserable Monday through Friday. On the weekend I was mom. Little did I know that Morgan getting sick with Bacterial Pnuemonia would change my life. We all caught the flu, and Morgan's went into bacterial pnuemonia. I had missed 2 weeks of work, and with no FMLA left because I had just had her earlier that year, my job was threatened. Then Jon said, Why don't you just stay at home? I decided that he was right, it was dumb for me to work for what little i was bringing home, and be ridiculed by my satan of a manager everyday because my children were sick. (Mind you their policy was 3 absences in a calendar year... yes! I said 3) In March I resigned. I found kiddos to watch and started to stay at home. I lasted 6 months. Now, do not get me wrong. I loved staying at home. BUT and I put a HUGE emphasis on the word BUT, It was not for me. My best friend set such and example, and was there to help me every step of the way.. (thanks Jess) and she is by far one of the best stay at home mothers I have EVER known. You see it takes a very strong person to do that. I am strong, but I yearned to do more. For me, I missed the interaction with adults, and I missed my work. Staying at home made me realize how much I really yearned to start my career. I was offered a temp job as a Business Office Manager at a local nursing home.. (and i got this only because my aunt thought of me on a fluke one morning when they were searching through their candidates) I immediately accepted, then did one of the hardest things I have ever done, Which was to tell a parent I could no longer watch her children. (and let me tell you, I loved her kids. Trey and Max were by far some of the best children I have ever had in my home. I miss them EVERY day :( ) Kids started daycare with a friend... and that was another battle entirely. While one daycare was awesome, and so was Home sweet Home, it was so hard to decide, but knowing a dear friend was struggling, when another was not as much, helped me make that decision. It sucked because i do feel I lost a great friendship over it, and knowing sweet kiddos and their family. Although I still see her on FB, it is not the same. :( Heather at home sweet home was remarkable to my children. Morgan immediately fell in love, and Maddy has made a best friend for life in chloe. I wouldn't change my decision only because of the life long friend I have made with Heather. She is truley an inspiration to all women. Her strength and courage is outstanding, I am honored to know her. Heather was diagnosed with breast cancer soon after the girls started going to her. She watched 5 sometimes 6 children while on chemo. Strong is not even the word. She also had radiation, and is currently done with all treatments. She is getting her sexy back, and I am so proud of her! I worked at Imperial for 6 months and was told my position was to be eliminated. In december I was asked to join the team at corporate as the Lead Medicare Biller. I have been here for almost a year now. I make almost double what i made 2 years ago. I am on my career path. I know I can and will advance here. I love, and I mean LOVE my job. I love the people I work with (which includes my best friend Brittany, so I can not complain). Also, I will say it sucks that I do not live 5 minutes from my friends anymore, BUT I would not change our decision to move. (In case you didn't know we moved this month to Nashville to be closer to mine and Jonathons jobs. We are also planning on saving money so we can eventually build our own home on land in the next few years) The purpose of this post is basically to say..2 years ago I had NO idea that i would be here. I was content to not be happy. To be miserable forever, just because I did not think I deserved more. Although this last year has been CRAZY, INTENSE, MAJOR etc.. I am happy where I am and where my family is, and what the future holds. If you're not happy with where you are, make changes, take risks. It may not work well the first time.. (as in my case with staying at home) but eventually the risk has to pay off right?? You are worth what you invest in yourself. Now, to go to college for my finance degree before or after we build.... hmmmm that is the question that Jon and I have to decide. Busy is as busy does J

Distort as you please

"The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul, or we get fat" Einstein To realize one persons accomplishments, you have to take a step beck. It isn't always about what you're doing. The thing is we all get caught up in our own crap. We don't stop and see beyond our own stuff to realize what we may be doing could hurt another person. Lets talk about how it feels to not be supported by people around you. Many of you know my parents aren't close by, and my brother as well. I do not hear much from them.. I have accepted this for what it is. I am the "out of sight out of mind child". I know they love me, but it would be nice to have my parents around. Now i have my family here, and Jon's family as well. My grandparents are my family for the most part. I am just feeling a little "empty". Let me explain a little further. Jon and I started a band a while ago. We wrote music together and had multiple gigs that NONE of neither our families came out to. No support from any one but our friends. Which I am ok with, or was. But how heavy a heart I have when I see my husband go out with other bands, other people, that are not me..and get his families support. Again, do I think this is done on purpose.. no. Or at least I surely hope not. I think its what i said above.. You have to take a step back and say.. hmm how does this look. My dreams are valid. My dreams are worth something as well. I may lack the talent that others posses, but I try. I thought I was trying enough, but apparently that is not the case. In my home, I am the biggest part of the family. I am mom. I am the caregiver, the nurse, the cook, the everything. My family (children and husband) make me feel that everyday. When I leave this house however, I feel like a stand in, that people think will be replaced. Is this dumb? Probably, and mainly in my head.. probably. I have a habit of doing that lately. I just wanted to get this off my chest.. Feeling left out and out of the loop because of people you love, its a really hard place to be in, and to get over. Hopefully I can get over this sooner rather than later, and hey who knows maybe after 15 years of marriage, maybe I will be thought of as a staying member.. J

Choices, choices

Having a child with ADHD is hard. No, it is not Cancer, or a terminal illness, its not Autism, and its not something more sever, but it is hard. My son has ADHD. for those who do not know Kids with ADHD act without thinking, are hyperactive, and have trouble focusing. They may understand what's expected of them but have trouble following through because they can't sit still, pay attention, or attend to details. When we first started going to a psychologist we were convinced medicating was our only option. It was the worse decision I as a parent have ever made. My son was no longer my son, he was a shell. It makes me cry to think about it now, honestly, and it is something do not like speaking about much either, but I feel as if I need to tell my story so others know what they can expect as parents with a child who has ADD or ADHD. Issak lost almost 15 lbs. (all of the ADHD meds suppress your appetite) As you all are aware, Issak is a small child anyway, so this was a problem. We tried 3 different medication, up'ed doses, lowered doses etc.. non giving us what we needed. This was ridiculously expensive as well. 50 dollars a month, not counting the therapist appointments etc. Yet the teachers at school still complained. So after him being on the medication for all of kindergarten, and a few weeks of first grade, Jon and I decided that medication was not for us. We took him off everything, and told no one. I didn't want Issak labeled. Unfortunately, I had to eventually tell the teacher, it made a difference and she did notice. His first grade teacher had a daughter with ADHD, so thankfully she understood me, and empathized with me. Let me reiterate here with this, My son is an EXTREMELY good student. He makes straight A's, and has a 4th grade reading level. Even with having ADHD. Issak started 2nd grade this year and actually has his kindergarten teacher as his 2nd grade teacher. I thought this would be wonderful. She was great as his kindergarten teacher, however, remember now, Issak was medicated then. AT our first parent teacher conference she commented multiple times about how she felt he still needed the medication, and it benefited him, helped him focus, etc. I asked her if his behavior was bad, no no its not bad, he just has problems focusing. Issak has to change his card when he acts out. meaning, when he speaks, laughs, tells someone to stop poking him, etc.. When he does something that the teacher deems "major" like jokingly try to squirt someone at lunch with his milk, but not actually doing it. They send him to the vice principal who decides throwing him in the MIA room is the best option. The MIA room being In School Suspension. He is 8..... 8. However up until yesterday, I have ALWAYS backed up his school, and punished accordingly, until yesterday. I got a phone call after the school day was over telling me once again my son had bad behavior. (She called me because last time he had an "incident" I never received a phone call, and I called and complained) I asked his teacher to explain, and the stuff she explained were the things I listed above. I stated so basically he was a typical 8 year old boy, where she responded with, No Issak is erratic, he behavior is intolerable. She then proceeded to tell me that since Issak's behavior was so bad he would not be allowed back into guild next year, per the principal. (Issak is rezoned because of our house location, and testing scores, etc) I think I saw red and lost it for a moment, but quickly ended the phone conversation, and called my husband. He went to the school and spoke to the Principal, who informed him that he never said that, and that he would speak to Issak's teacher.

In saying all this, I have decided that based on this school year, my son has been labeled as a problem. This is just, well..it makes my heart sad. My son is brilliant, he is not a problem. Leaving him at this school, and having the other teachers pre judge him before he even goes in their class is dumb...

I have teacher friends who i respect, so I am asking, Why to them. When you guys have a child with ADHD, do you tell the parents they need to medicate? Do you challenge their decision? Do you make them feel like a bad parent?

Why should I as a parent have to subject the clarity of my child to make his teacher have an easier day? I shouldn't. There was no ADHD medicine 100 years ago, and teachers did fine, why are they lazy today? (not all teachers just some) It tears me up inside.

Some of my friends have children like Issak, and I say to them, help. Please tell me what I need to do. Change schools? Private school? Will his treatment be any different.

I will not medicate my child for anyone but him. Period... I want him to be him. Not a drone that a teacher desires.

Frustrated mommy...
J

Being grateful for things I can't change

If you're happy and you know it
clap your hands!

If you're happy and you know it
clap your hands!

If you're happy and you know it
then your face will surely show it
If you're happy and you know it
clap your hands!


Beauty is in the eye of the be holder... I behold, that my life, though not perfect, has moments of absolute joy.

This morning, I got up, and I was breathing.. JOY! I walked into my girls room, and although Maddy has peed the bed.. She wanted a hug, and asked me later to snuggle and give her kisses.
Maddy as a baby

Morgan, gosh Morgan.. I swear that little girl melts my soul. She makes me have such complete happiness. Just in her smile, and when I get home she screams "MOMMY!!!!!!!!" and she literally doesn't stop talking the entire time..


LOL Issak, he is SO smart... I swear that kid will blow your mind just with a short sentence.. Such an amazing kid..


Then my husband.. sigh.. I am so blessed.. He is leaving to go to band practice, he feels crummy.. and he says he wishes he could stay home. I wished he would've too.


I know sometimes life gets the upper hand...and we tend to focus on the negative, but I am so blessed.. in many things... My career (yes my career.. it is not a job...) My family, my lifestyle change, and living healthy, my friends.. So many positive things... :)

Take a moment to look at your life, and share your Joys every day.. My challenge to myself is to share a joy with everyone on my FB until May. Maybe I can make it an everyday habit. I challenge you to do it too!

XOXO
J

Sometimes you need to be reminded what love really is.

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know he is yours and you can wait.

This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.


One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:

That word is love.

-Sophocles

J