and..... its just .......well It is a new beginning of a new book, but it just sucks

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy, that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days, for the rest of my days


I guess I should revise the above lyrics to say I am so happy that you are the friend that i've got for the rest of my days....

So I have this friend.. and let me say she is the best. She makes me smile and laugh and just be... See it sucks because I didn't get the chance to grow up with her, or know her in school, or hang out with her as regularly as i would have liked to until the last few years. Its kind of like I have found this diamond in the rough. This person who shines a whole new light on things for me, and she was there all along, but i didn't know her. Because of her, my entire perspective on life has changed. I am going to do something amazing with my life, and some of that is because of Shauna. The risks and amazing adventures we have had, well they have been just that..amazing. Stuff I would have never even thought of doing without her. I can chalk my tattoo addiction up to her... (Thanks for the expensive hobby dear ;p) Ya see, I have few friends that I consider true friends... Yeah I have those acquaintances and stuff, but the ones that i truly love and care deeply for fit on one hand. These friends are usually the ones who have profoundly inspired me and continue to inspire.. and they know who they are, I tell them regularly...I know I am not losing this friend, she is just going to be a little farther away than i would like..When I say.."I am going to miss her" its not one of those things I am saying because it is the right thing to say... I am seriously going to miss her. I think she will be taking a small piece of me to Chattanooga with her...

Missing you will hurt, but I know the adventures that are before you are great, and I know you will see me soon. You will be my forever friend, and I am lucky to have you in my life.... ALWAYS remember



Hello Darlin’

I see the pain you grow

And you’re just wantin’

To have a hand to hold

Securities unsettling

And Faiths not what you’d thought it be

So clear your mind

The answer you will find


And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright


He’s no prince charmin’

But I love him anyway..

I know you’re askin’

What price will be paid..

It’s all a mixed philosophy

When heart and mind they don’t agree

Just give me time

To say goodbye



And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright


Blurring lines of love

Pain it’s caused, emersed

Prayer forgotten, let it go..let it go



And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright












I love you :)
J

would it be ok

"I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours
It's simply radiant,
I feel more with everyday that goes by
I watch the clock to make my timing just right
Would it be okay?
Would it be okay if I took your breath away?
And I'm wasting away,
away from you."


I can't sleep... I just lay awake a lot of the time staring at my ceiling. Thinking of everything. everything I could be doing, how I am going to feel in the morning due to the lack of sleep. What I can do with the kids, what I can do for myself... etc. I am desperate need of a vacation. Get away with my husband, who can't see this. I want to go somewhere for a couple of days and just relax. Sleep in, and never leave my hotel room. Is that so wrong? Probably would be nice to have a dependable sitter to count on for that one eh??? Sigh, I think my head is overwhelmed right now. with a ton of different stuff.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I have been baking. Gosh I love it. I have been cooking and baking away my feelings.. ha ha cup cakes, bread, cake, you name it and I bet I have made it. Not good for my diet, BUT great for my morale.











Why can't life and big decisions, and everything be easier.... Why can't everyday be an awesome day, and I be swept off of my feet daily, and feel connections, and love, and gratitude, and.... something...

I think i need to write a book.. ha ha ha

Facing the wall, in a box

working on a song... thought I'd share... with no music, its pretty lame I guess, but when you are solo on your music projects, well I guess that's what it is until you can find someone to give your story actual meaning (music).. and right now I am solo.. just writing



Get prettied up
Hoping they'll notice, praying that maybe this time
lost a few pounds...
Maybe they'll see, say something... anything

Desire is there
maybe it was, but its gone, confusion sets in
"you're so beautiful"
I believed it, not sure why, it was a lie


Chorus:
At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

what can I do
facing this wall, its hurting, killing me
You just can't see
this shell of me, empty... empty


Chorus:
At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...


Bridge:
Help me to live, help me to see, fill up this empty part of me...
remove this wall, breakdown this box... see what you are missing..
can't you see what you are missing when you sleep?


Chorus:
At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

I am lost

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be



I am in dire need of strength.I am having trouble finding myself in this mess of who I am right now. I am not sure why... I can not point it out, give you a reason, track it down. I have tried... Frankly, I am tried out. I haven't suffered some immediate huge episode, or traumatic event. Matter of fact my life is pretty average. I just seem to have lost myself at the moment, and have let the "seas" of depression sneak in for a bit. I am still a capable mom, and I love my kiddos, the chores get done, and I sit down with Jonathon, but I am completely empty at the moment... by the end of the day, I am "joyed" out. I am exhausted, and tired, and feel absolutely emotionally inept.

It is almost like I am mourning someone... The loss of oneself maybe? I am grasping at straws here honestly.. I feel like a ghost in my life, I am living it, but really am I? Or is it living me? 99% of the time people see me as happy bright uplifting and fun, but lately I have not achieved this. I seem like I am in a bad mood. I don't tell people my feelings, or what I am going through... Its hard to decide who you can actually speak to in your life without having to hear 1. their advice...2. how they overcame what you are currently going through..or 3. how much better their life is. DID you just hear me? I am currently feeling like a gaping pile of doo doo, and I do not care if you are happy... I am not..Help me, instead of boosting your ego.

I am currently running on fumes, and going through the motions... please excuse my absence in your life at the moment, as I am pretty confident mine is not quite where I need it to be, and I need to fix me right now. help is appreciated, but please don't do what i mentioned above....

I feel so broken....

This is not just about cupcakes, its about life!

Broken shoulders resting on my back
Overloaded with a weighed stack
Higher and higher
Time runs tired


I wish I could get out of this funk... maybe i need a break, a get away. Just lately I have felt extremely unappreciated. I don't think its because anyone is necessarily meaning to make me feel this way. I honestly think most of it is in my head. I just do not think anyone gets what all a stay at home mom goes through in a day. So I am going to attempt to spell it out... This is my summer schedule

7 am: Wake up
7:15: Get all 3 kids dressed and ready for the day, brush teeth change diapers egtc
7:45: Breakfast for all 3 kids
8:15: Story time
9:00: TV time
(while tv time is happening, I clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry and get myself ready)
10:00: snack time, School work/ special projects
11:00 prepare lunch for the kids while they watch a movie
11:45: lunch
12:15: Nap time (yeah right.. IF they actually sleep)
12:15-2: This i my down time.. I spend it folding clothes, getting stuff ready for dinner, baking, cleaning up from lunch and eating my own lunch (which i sometimes forget to eat)
2:00: Snack time, outside time, playdoh time, lego time etc
2:45: story time
3:15: Movie time (while there is a movie going I make dinner star another load of laundry clean up from snack)
5:15: Dinner time
6:00: Bath time
7-8 family time
8:00: bed time prep
8:30: bed time
9:00: my bed time

I literally dont sit down some days, and if I want a break i have to get up at the crack of dawn...

Now I am not complaining. Please do not mistake it for that. I love my crazy busy life. What I hate is the people who think i do nothing all day.. like walk around and eat bon bons and let the kids run wild, or yell at them all day (as I have seen parents do). Amazingly, my house doesn't miraculously clean its self.. That banana bread didn't make its self, and no.. that amazing smelling food, it didn't cook itself.

Half the time I do not get a thank you, or even a wow mom that was good. Sometimes being a mom is very frustrating in the sense that you do it all, and the stuff you get in return doesn't always add up. I love my kids and my husband and hearing "i love you" and "I missed you" is always nice, but sometimes actions speak volumes.

Anyway... I am a very frustrated mommy.

No, I am not a different person, and not acting like a kid either

Jump start my kaleidescope heart
Love to watch the colors fade
It may not make sense
but it sure as hell made me
I won't go as a passenger NO!
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down
I'll take in flame over burning out






Its funny when you go do wild and crazy stuff per say.. the word of the "birds" is that you are going through a mid life crisis or its because of who you hang around, and while some of the later may be true, most of the stuff I have done recently is stuff I have always wanted to do, I just simply haven't had the courage to do it. So for those out there who think I am making mistakes, or I am acting like a "kid" well, I have a two part word for ya... Shut it! Yup I said it. I had Issak young and I didn't have the chance to have cool experiences, since we have a reliable sitter now and stuff Jon and I both are getting to do stuff that we never thought we could... Its fun and EVERYTHING I do has a meaning to me. If you don't know the meaning then ask me. I will tell you, and if you still don;t get it, well then I am sorry. I am artisitc, I am fun, I am inspired, and I do what I think makes me happy!

"And doing so you can recreate yourself and you can also come up with something that is not only original and creative and artistic, but also maybe even decent, or moral if I can use words like that, or something that's like basically good."

"Every individual decision is nothing but coincidence, every artistic decision is coincidence."
Alva Noto


I will bid adieu' now... Life to live and all that Jazz

J

Because.. well sometimes you feel like a....nut

This is my winter song to you
the storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea

My voice,a beacon in the night
my words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love?

Ugggh I have felt so crummy as of late....Guess its my own fault, I have been so preoccupied with all kinds of other stuff... I need to get back to my basics and quit being so darn nice to everyone around me.... I have been so exhausted and tired and just blah, and I know it has shown in not only my demeanor, but in my dress and talking, and everything basically... Ya see these summer months have come, and they tend to make you REALLY self conscious and although I have succeeded on my weight loss journey this year, I am still not confident.. mainly because I still see yucky me in the mirror,and guess what if you have not been heavy you can not begin to comprehend...

To make matters worse,my voice has left... it comes and goes but not enough to sing much, darn allergies.. its more than annoying..

So if you have talked to me lately, and I have seem down, or different or rather "cold".. I can assure you, its not you.. I'm just not myself, and eventually I will come back around just give me a minute, or 10.. lol Love you all