Life...blink..... woah it changed

"Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me accountable
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Anyway you can "

Life.. well it changes in an instant, with a stupid phone call, or even a simple doctors visit. Your life as you know it can change just as quickly as the rain can start, or the sun sets, or you blink and a year is gone. I guess in the past, I've know this, but never truly felt it (other than blinking, and seeing my kids grow). Over the last month of my life, it has been MIND BOGGLING. I have started a new job, found the root of my back problems as well discovered the root of my weight problems, mood problems, and exhaustion problems.

What started as a nodule is now a cyst/ tumor on my thyroid. I can't begin to describe to you the feeling of loss when you have a doctor call you and tell you that basically you will have to have surgery and be on medication for the rest of your life, that something could possibly be cancerous, and that there is really nothing you can do about it..



Helpless....

I.AM.SCARED
I.FEEL.ALONE
I.AM. OVERWHELMED
I.AM.LOST

The timing in impecable.. I mean right? With everything else going on this is just added mmpphhh..

Life is literally punching me in my face..

How the hell do I get over this? How do I over come?

Pray, ok.. Check did that.. do i feel relief, well yeah, but I can't sleep.. I sit up awake or lay there awake thinking of my job, and being there such a short time, worried I may or may not be able to keep the job in the event of surgery, which at this point is inevitable seeing that he growth has doubled in size in 2 weeks....

Ask for help, done... called.. expressed.. I need help.. I need love.. i need support.. I NEED MY MOM, and she isn't here. she is 400 miles away, and I want her to hug me.. so much right now... My friends.. well they have lives that do not revole around my needs.. and i have to wait for them.. and it sucks

I am down for the count.. out... and well its hard to explain, and be optimistic when i have this cloud nailing me in the head ....

God will provide.. he will provide..

HE WILL PROVIDE

I need to keep reminding myself of that.. he only will give me what I can handle and nothing more...

BUT its really really hard..

Its so so hard..

Pray for my strength, It is fading quickly at the moment

<3 busy b J

My, amazing..screwed up....spur of the moment...high on life...thought process

Why am I feeling so guilty

Why am I holding my breath

Worry about everyone but me and I just keep losing my breath....

My days have been long, and my time has been short... I feel lonely and like I am missing out on something... My life maybe?? I am not sure... My job is stressful.. Its not that I don't like it, its just.. a LOT.. and I really miss my sweet kids. I've gained weight from the stress, and I have hurt my back recently so it is making it difficult doing all the working out i did prior to my back pain...

October, while it is beautiful, and it is my favorite season, it is my least favorite month. We used to have an annual party every year for halloween... The last one we had was the best.. Jon and I dressed up as Madea and Uncle Jon.. we had a hot dog roast, carved pumpkins and made smores... My house was full of laughter and friends, and it was perfect.. This was the last Halloween Party that I think my house will ever hold. The memories and people from this last party can never be repeated, so in saying that, I do not want to replace those memories.

ha ha I remember Brandy showing me how Bain had gas (he was a newborn at the time) and showing me how she could take his knees and push the gas out.. ha ha ha her, me,Jon, and Paul laughed for hours. I remember talking about going to Sams, and getting certain things... Like I said these memories can never be replaced...

We miss him... a lot....

So I am not 100% now.. I will get there, and with Christmas coming and winter, I am optimistic of the wonderful seasonal changes, and the fun times ahead.

I am blessed with a beautiful family, gah they make me happy... so so so happy. Maddy comes up with the most amazin ways to make me laugh out loud... Morgan makes me want to freeze her in time, and Issak is the smartest kid ever.. he has all a's in school right now...

ALL things to be extremely happy and proud about..

On another note, I have recently realized that I miss my art, as well as my crafts... When I get paid on friday, I am going to invest in some of my craft stuff again.. people should expect a lot of cool home made gifts for christmas. I have a ton of ideas, and I can't wait to start.. :)

I am still slowy but surely working on music.. in more ways than anyone knows... I have a suprise that will blow my husbands mind... I can not wait for Christmas...

I end up rambling in my blogs.. ha ha.. It is a ton of random thoughts, I throw together on a website, BUT it makes me happy.. it makes me relieved, it makes me get things off my chest I wouldn't normally...

Like I want to go back to school, but honestly do not have the strength to make the leap... I have a few ideas of what I want to do... Art teacher, Social Worker, or I want to create my own business... possibly own a shop.. I don't know for sure yet, but I am meant for so much more...

We were meant to live for so much more

have we lost ourselves?

Somewhere we live inside

Somewhere we live inside

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence

And whether mice or men have second tries

Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open

Maybe we're bent and broken. Broken

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

This song rings true in me right now... I am sad.. I will be better.. but love me right now, be there, hug me when I cry, hug me when I smile, answer when I call... make time for the small things... I need to be surrounded by greatness this month...

Love you all
J

So.. about that...

Love love love love love

I get so lost, sometimes

Days pass they pass and this emptiness fills my heart

When I want to run away I drive off in my car

But, whichever way I go I come back to the place you are


WWWOOOOOWWWW.. sometimes life is just ridiculously overwhelming... and I am sitting here realizing that I am not in the place I want to be. depressing.. well yeah, of course.. Mainly its a realization I am glad I have come to. So now there is a the question, where in fact, do I want to be... Well see, that's just it.. I am not sure. As far as my job, I am good there, I do like where I am, and the potential it holds as well as the people and friends I have made in just a little over a month. BUT.. there are things that I love that I am missing out on. There used to be a time that all I wanted to do was paint... FOR HOURS.. and I am pretty good at it, as well as drawing, and other crafty things. I haven't scrap booked in almost 2 years. Why?? I do not make time for me... the time I make consists of grocery shopping, or the occasional trip out with my girl friends. I used to be this amazing cultural, artistic person, and I feel like she is still here, but I am letting myself dissapear to support other peoples dreams.. my kids, and my husbands.. So now.. I am starting a plan.. As long as my job turns out the way I believe it will, I want to take some art classes, as well as make more time for music. My music... I want to write, as well as learn and work with other instruments... I know I can do amazing things... I believe in me, even if I have others surrounding me who do not. What worries me is I only have so much "mmmpphhh" in my step.. There is only so many times I can tell my self I am talented and feed myself the "lines" I need to make myself believe it.... without others support, or just reminding me what I truly am capable of, well I will lose my drive and stamina... Complacency at its finest.. which is where I am at now... I need help.....

Sometimes you have to look back

November 2009.... I was at thanksgiving dinner at mt grandparents house. Maddy was 2 Issak was 6...My parents had come in for a visit... here is what i looked like then


Now I must say this date stands out the most to me because i was freezing and I borrowed one of my grandfathers jackets, and i could barely button it. I was in a size 28, and i weighed 286 pounds. Christmas came and i got a new fluffy red robe ....Issak looked at me and asked if I was related to santa clause cause I was fat like him....Right then and there i decided i was done.... My new years resolution was to lose weight...







I was on a mission... My goal to lose 100 lbs by then end of the year... I worked my butt off and by June I had lost 85... gotten down to a 20... I lowered my calorie intake to 1200 and excercised 7 (YES 7) days a week. I did zumba, curves, weight training, wii fit, and p90x.



Apparently I was feeling terrific about myself, because I got pregnant with Morgan... which resulted in....




9 months and 27 lbs later.. I had a beautiful daughter but had gone up 3 sizes... so I started again when Morgan was 5 months old.... Now I am happy to say that in all the gaining and losing and baby and everything I have lost 136 lbs. I weigh 187 lbs with my goal weight of 150 only 37 lbs away. I wear a 14 so I have dropped 14 sizes... i went from 46 inches around to 34 now... here is a recent picture...



I must say I am not done lately I have been working on toning and losing this last little bit... Monday and Wednesday I have been going to the civic center and trying to work out for at least 45 minutes. I made it to 320 crunches Tuesday with up to a 210 press... I am getting this off.. I've lost 4lbs and 1 inch since Monday. So for those who stand in my way, or for those who make excuses... SHUT UP put on your big girl/boy panties and do the thing. If I can do it ANYONE can...

J

and..... its just .......well It is a new beginning of a new book, but it just sucks

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy, that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days, for the rest of my days


I guess I should revise the above lyrics to say I am so happy that you are the friend that i've got for the rest of my days....

So I have this friend.. and let me say she is the best. She makes me smile and laugh and just be... See it sucks because I didn't get the chance to grow up with her, or know her in school, or hang out with her as regularly as i would have liked to until the last few years. Its kind of like I have found this diamond in the rough. This person who shines a whole new light on things for me, and she was there all along, but i didn't know her. Because of her, my entire perspective on life has changed. I am going to do something amazing with my life, and some of that is because of Shauna. The risks and amazing adventures we have had, well they have been just that..amazing. Stuff I would have never even thought of doing without her. I can chalk my tattoo addiction up to her... (Thanks for the expensive hobby dear ;p) Ya see, I have few friends that I consider true friends... Yeah I have those acquaintances and stuff, but the ones that i truly love and care deeply for fit on one hand. These friends are usually the ones who have profoundly inspired me and continue to inspire.. and they know who they are, I tell them regularly...I know I am not losing this friend, she is just going to be a little farther away than i would like..When I say.."I am going to miss her" its not one of those things I am saying because it is the right thing to say... I am seriously going to miss her. I think she will be taking a small piece of me to Chattanooga with her...

Missing you will hurt, but I know the adventures that are before you are great, and I know you will see me soon. You will be my forever friend, and I am lucky to have you in my life.... ALWAYS remember



Hello Darlin’

I see the pain you grow

And you’re just wantin’

To have a hand to hold

Securities unsettling

And Faiths not what you’d thought it be

So clear your mind

The answer you will find


And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright


He’s no prince charmin’

But I love him anyway..

I know you’re askin’

What price will be paid..

It’s all a mixed philosophy

When heart and mind they don’t agree

Just give me time

To say goodbye



And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright


Blurring lines of love

Pain it’s caused, emersed

Prayer forgotten, let it go..let it go



And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright












I love you :)
J

would it be ok

"I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours
It's simply radiant,
I feel more with everyday that goes by
I watch the clock to make my timing just right
Would it be okay?
Would it be okay if I took your breath away?
And I'm wasting away,
away from you."


I can't sleep... I just lay awake a lot of the time staring at my ceiling. Thinking of everything. everything I could be doing, how I am going to feel in the morning due to the lack of sleep. What I can do with the kids, what I can do for myself... etc. I am desperate need of a vacation. Get away with my husband, who can't see this. I want to go somewhere for a couple of days and just relax. Sleep in, and never leave my hotel room. Is that so wrong? Probably would be nice to have a dependable sitter to count on for that one eh??? Sigh, I think my head is overwhelmed right now. with a ton of different stuff.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I have been baking. Gosh I love it. I have been cooking and baking away my feelings.. ha ha cup cakes, bread, cake, you name it and I bet I have made it. Not good for my diet, BUT great for my morale.











Why can't life and big decisions, and everything be easier.... Why can't everyday be an awesome day, and I be swept off of my feet daily, and feel connections, and love, and gratitude, and.... something...

I think i need to write a book.. ha ha ha

Facing the wall, in a box

working on a song... thought I'd share... with no music, its pretty lame I guess, but when you are solo on your music projects, well I guess that's what it is until you can find someone to give your story actual meaning (music).. and right now I am solo.. just writing



Get prettied up
Hoping they'll notice, praying that maybe this time
lost a few pounds...
Maybe they'll see, say something... anything

Desire is there
maybe it was, but its gone, confusion sets in
"you're so beautiful"
I believed it, not sure why, it was a lie


Chorus:
At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

what can I do
facing this wall, its hurting, killing me
You just can't see
this shell of me, empty... empty


Chorus:
At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...


Bridge:
Help me to live, help me to see, fill up this empty part of me...
remove this wall, breakdown this box... see what you are missing..
can't you see what you are missing when you sleep?


Chorus:
At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

I am lost