But how can you be happy without cake?

It's been a while...

This year has been crazy nuts.  Let me go into the nitty gritty. 

I've literally lost me.

You see..you think you know who you are..and then something comes along and shocks you to the core. Everything you thought you knew about yourself. ..gone. in an instant. A new you..

This year has been full of heart break... misleadings..torment...turmoil..but also overwhelming love.

I have felt unrequited love for a while. Its hard loving someone who doesn't love you back the same way. Sometimes it take a catastrophic event to make them realize what they are missing. Regardless,  going through that process was draining. 

You see.. I'm a believer of the devine.. things happen for a reason.. there is always an outcome. And "he" is always 8 steps ahead. God knows what our fate will be. .. He knew before we were born. However, having continued faith that he "has this" is hard. 

Its 4 am.. and I'm wide awake. Because this is the quietest part of the day. I can sit and reflect on tons of stuff. Somethings I don't even want to reflect on.  I'm trying to give myself a moment to get back to me. Problem is... I am not sure when that will be. I need patience. I also need support and love.. and for people to not be so blind.

Sigh... I need a mind eraser... and reprogrammer that tells me.. I only like salads.. that I do not like cake.. and that I am blissfully happy.  But howwww can you be happy without cake.. ?!?!

J
 

Wait for it.. LIfe hubba what

"Life is way to short to be anything but happy" I am going to make this short and sweet, but its been a bit. Anywhoo.. the above quote is just.. well right. I know people right now who are miserable.. Life comes at ya, and you just can't get up.. it knocks ya down like a tidal wave. BUT you keep fighting.. Stuff sucks.. for real.. it does. Your job, coming home.. mad spouses, whiney kids.. It happens to the best of us.. I am going to try to look at my positives daily.. (because in all honestly with the "let down" that i experience on a daily basis.. I have to) I challenge you to do the same.. What is your joy? What are you grateful for today? Share it, do it... :D Jess

Battle of the.......

2 years ago today, I was working at the MSC. I thought that was where I was supposed to be. I thought that my life as I knew it was going on the path it was supposed to go on. I was quite content working my claims, making no money, and doing it everyday and being miserable Monday through Friday. On the weekend I was mom. Little did I know that Morgan getting sick with Bacterial Pnuemonia would change my life. We all caught the flu, and Morgan's went into bacterial pnuemonia. I had missed 2 weeks of work, and with no FMLA left because I had just had her earlier that year, my job was threatened. Then Jon said, Why don't you just stay at home? I decided that he was right, it was dumb for me to work for what little i was bringing home, and be ridiculed by my satan of a manager everyday because my children were sick. (Mind you their policy was 3 absences in a calendar year... yes! I said 3) In March I resigned. I found kiddos to watch and started to stay at home. I lasted 6 months. Now, do not get me wrong. I loved staying at home. BUT and I put a HUGE emphasis on the word BUT, It was not for me. My best friend set such and example, and was there to help me every step of the way.. (thanks Jess) and she is by far one of the best stay at home mothers I have EVER known. You see it takes a very strong person to do that. I am strong, but I yearned to do more. For me, I missed the interaction with adults, and I missed my work. Staying at home made me realize how much I really yearned to start my career. I was offered a temp job as a Business Office Manager at a local nursing home.. (and i got this only because my aunt thought of me on a fluke one morning when they were searching through their candidates) I immediately accepted, then did one of the hardest things I have ever done, Which was to tell a parent I could no longer watch her children. (and let me tell you, I loved her kids. Trey and Max were by far some of the best children I have ever had in my home. I miss them EVERY day :( ) Kids started daycare with a friend... and that was another battle entirely. While one daycare was awesome, and so was Home sweet Home, it was so hard to decide, but knowing a dear friend was struggling, when another was not as much, helped me make that decision. It sucked because i do feel I lost a great friendship over it, and knowing sweet kiddos and their family. Although I still see her on FB, it is not the same. :( Heather at home sweet home was remarkable to my children. Morgan immediately fell in love, and Maddy has made a best friend for life in chloe. I wouldn't change my decision only because of the life long friend I have made with Heather. She is truley an inspiration to all women. Her strength and courage is outstanding, I am honored to know her. Heather was diagnosed with breast cancer soon after the girls started going to her. She watched 5 sometimes 6 children while on chemo. Strong is not even the word. She also had radiation, and is currently done with all treatments. She is getting her sexy back, and I am so proud of her! I worked at Imperial for 6 months and was told my position was to be eliminated. In december I was asked to join the team at corporate as the Lead Medicare Biller. I have been here for almost a year now. I make almost double what i made 2 years ago. I am on my career path. I know I can and will advance here. I love, and I mean LOVE my job. I love the people I work with (which includes my best friend Brittany, so I can not complain). Also, I will say it sucks that I do not live 5 minutes from my friends anymore, BUT I would not change our decision to move. (In case you didn't know we moved this month to Nashville to be closer to mine and Jonathons jobs. We are also planning on saving money so we can eventually build our own home on land in the next few years) The purpose of this post is basically to say..2 years ago I had NO idea that i would be here. I was content to not be happy. To be miserable forever, just because I did not think I deserved more. Although this last year has been CRAZY, INTENSE, MAJOR etc.. I am happy where I am and where my family is, and what the future holds. If you're not happy with where you are, make changes, take risks. It may not work well the first time.. (as in my case with staying at home) but eventually the risk has to pay off right?? You are worth what you invest in yourself. Now, to go to college for my finance degree before or after we build.... hmmmm that is the question that Jon and I have to decide. Busy is as busy does J

Distort as you please

"The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul, or we get fat" Einstein To realize one persons accomplishments, you have to take a step beck. It isn't always about what you're doing. The thing is we all get caught up in our own crap. We don't stop and see beyond our own stuff to realize what we may be doing could hurt another person. Lets talk about how it feels to not be supported by people around you. Many of you know my parents aren't close by, and my brother as well. I do not hear much from them.. I have accepted this for what it is. I am the "out of sight out of mind child". I know they love me, but it would be nice to have my parents around. Now i have my family here, and Jon's family as well. My grandparents are my family for the most part. I am just feeling a little "empty". Let me explain a little further. Jon and I started a band a while ago. We wrote music together and had multiple gigs that NONE of neither our families came out to. No support from any one but our friends. Which I am ok with, or was. But how heavy a heart I have when I see my husband go out with other bands, other people, that are not me..and get his families support. Again, do I think this is done on purpose.. no. Or at least I surely hope not. I think its what i said above.. You have to take a step back and say.. hmm how does this look. My dreams are valid. My dreams are worth something as well. I may lack the talent that others posses, but I try. I thought I was trying enough, but apparently that is not the case. In my home, I am the biggest part of the family. I am mom. I am the caregiver, the nurse, the cook, the everything. My family (children and husband) make me feel that everyday. When I leave this house however, I feel like a stand in, that people think will be replaced. Is this dumb? Probably, and mainly in my head.. probably. I have a habit of doing that lately. I just wanted to get this off my chest.. Feeling left out and out of the loop because of people you love, its a really hard place to be in, and to get over. Hopefully I can get over this sooner rather than later, and hey who knows maybe after 15 years of marriage, maybe I will be thought of as a staying member.. J

Choices, choices

Having a child with ADHD is hard. No, it is not Cancer, or a terminal illness, its not Autism, and its not something more sever, but it is hard. My son has ADHD. for those who do not know Kids with ADHD act without thinking, are hyperactive, and have trouble focusing. They may understand what's expected of them but have trouble following through because they can't sit still, pay attention, or attend to details. When we first started going to a psychologist we were convinced medicating was our only option. It was the worse decision I as a parent have ever made. My son was no longer my son, he was a shell. It makes me cry to think about it now, honestly, and it is something do not like speaking about much either, but I feel as if I need to tell my story so others know what they can expect as parents with a child who has ADD or ADHD. Issak lost almost 15 lbs. (all of the ADHD meds suppress your appetite) As you all are aware, Issak is a small child anyway, so this was a problem. We tried 3 different medication, up'ed doses, lowered doses etc.. non giving us what we needed. This was ridiculously expensive as well. 50 dollars a month, not counting the therapist appointments etc. Yet the teachers at school still complained. So after him being on the medication for all of kindergarten, and a few weeks of first grade, Jon and I decided that medication was not for us. We took him off everything, and told no one. I didn't want Issak labeled. Unfortunately, I had to eventually tell the teacher, it made a difference and she did notice. His first grade teacher had a daughter with ADHD, so thankfully she understood me, and empathized with me. Let me reiterate here with this, My son is an EXTREMELY good student. He makes straight A's, and has a 4th grade reading level. Even with having ADHD. Issak started 2nd grade this year and actually has his kindergarten teacher as his 2nd grade teacher. I thought this would be wonderful. She was great as his kindergarten teacher, however, remember now, Issak was medicated then. AT our first parent teacher conference she commented multiple times about how she felt he still needed the medication, and it benefited him, helped him focus, etc. I asked her if his behavior was bad, no no its not bad, he just has problems focusing. Issak has to change his card when he acts out. meaning, when he speaks, laughs, tells someone to stop poking him, etc.. When he does something that the teacher deems "major" like jokingly try to squirt someone at lunch with his milk, but not actually doing it. They send him to the vice principal who decides throwing him in the MIA room is the best option. The MIA room being In School Suspension. He is 8..... 8. However up until yesterday, I have ALWAYS backed up his school, and punished accordingly, until yesterday. I got a phone call after the school day was over telling me once again my son had bad behavior. (She called me because last time he had an "incident" I never received a phone call, and I called and complained) I asked his teacher to explain, and the stuff she explained were the things I listed above. I stated so basically he was a typical 8 year old boy, where she responded with, No Issak is erratic, he behavior is intolerable. She then proceeded to tell me that since Issak's behavior was so bad he would not be allowed back into guild next year, per the principal. (Issak is rezoned because of our house location, and testing scores, etc) I think I saw red and lost it for a moment, but quickly ended the phone conversation, and called my husband. He went to the school and spoke to the Principal, who informed him that he never said that, and that he would speak to Issak's teacher.

In saying all this, I have decided that based on this school year, my son has been labeled as a problem. This is just, well..it makes my heart sad. My son is brilliant, he is not a problem. Leaving him at this school, and having the other teachers pre judge him before he even goes in their class is dumb...

I have teacher friends who i respect, so I am asking, Why to them. When you guys have a child with ADHD, do you tell the parents they need to medicate? Do you challenge their decision? Do you make them feel like a bad parent?

Why should I as a parent have to subject the clarity of my child to make his teacher have an easier day? I shouldn't. There was no ADHD medicine 100 years ago, and teachers did fine, why are they lazy today? (not all teachers just some) It tears me up inside.

Some of my friends have children like Issak, and I say to them, help. Please tell me what I need to do. Change schools? Private school? Will his treatment be any different.

I will not medicate my child for anyone but him. Period... I want him to be him. Not a drone that a teacher desires.

Frustrated mommy...
J

Being grateful for things I can't change

If you're happy and you know it
clap your hands!

If you're happy and you know it
clap your hands!

If you're happy and you know it
then your face will surely show it
If you're happy and you know it
clap your hands!


Beauty is in the eye of the be holder... I behold, that my life, though not perfect, has moments of absolute joy.

This morning, I got up, and I was breathing.. JOY! I walked into my girls room, and although Maddy has peed the bed.. She wanted a hug, and asked me later to snuggle and give her kisses.
Maddy as a baby

Morgan, gosh Morgan.. I swear that little girl melts my soul. She makes me have such complete happiness. Just in her smile, and when I get home she screams "MOMMY!!!!!!!!" and she literally doesn't stop talking the entire time..


LOL Issak, he is SO smart... I swear that kid will blow your mind just with a short sentence.. Such an amazing kid..


Then my husband.. sigh.. I am so blessed.. He is leaving to go to band practice, he feels crummy.. and he says he wishes he could stay home. I wished he would've too.


I know sometimes life gets the upper hand...and we tend to focus on the negative, but I am so blessed.. in many things... My career (yes my career.. it is not a job...) My family, my lifestyle change, and living healthy, my friends.. So many positive things... :)

Take a moment to look at your life, and share your Joys every day.. My challenge to myself is to share a joy with everyone on my FB until May. Maybe I can make it an everyday habit. I challenge you to do it too!

XOXO
J

Sometimes you need to be reminded what love really is.

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know he is yours and you can wait.

This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.


One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:

That word is love.

-Sophocles

J