Cause it's a really hard time.. And it's really just scary

I've procrastinated on going to the doctor.. Why? Well let's be honest.. You gain a little weight.. You change insurances.. You have to go grocery shopping.. You don't want to miss work.. And the list goes on. The last time I had a full physical was over 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with thyroid disease that landed me on a roller coaster of meds. So after 3 years and having a million aches and pains.. And in all honesty feeling like crap.. And did I mention the 30 lb weight gain that was out of the blue? Yeah that too. I started slowly with my dentist.. And I needed extensive work so that was my focus for a bit.. I moved on to my regular family doctor. A new one actually who seemed very concerned with the thickening in my throat. She ordered a mountain of tests that I agreed to. I left there and went for x Rays at Hendersonville hospital. Same day I had an apt with my ob. As I sit here two weeks later with the news my doctors told me.... I'm flabbergasted, scared out of my mind, very worried on how I'm supposed to pay for the procedures I need to fight this stuff, mad at myself for not going to the doctor sooner, exhausted.. Physically and emotionally.. And just... At a loss. My regular doctor informed me that the cyst on my thyroid has doubled in size and has spread to my right side.. She stated it could be cancerous.. But no matter what they will remove it.(meaning my entire thyroid) So.. Surgery. My ob told me that my test grew carcinoma cells which are prevalent in cervical and ovarian cancer. I am having further studies in the next few weeks... But the fact of the matter is this.. My body is already growing an epithelial cell that is growing a type of cancer. So there's the word.. Cancer.. And let's just say this.. While we are being honest.. It's such a shitty word. It's not nice.. It doesn't play fair.. And it sucks... To know that my chances of a hysterectomy are high... Makes me nauseated. I know I am supposed to have another child... Sometime.. So this hurts my heart so much. 

 Now many people are telling me to be strong.. And for those who know me, I am strong. Probably one of the strongest people you'll meet. I kick ass and I take names.. And I wouldn't have it any other way. However, I am very allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to be brought to my knees.. I'm allowed to be needy, and want my mommy who lives hundreds of miles from me. I'm allowed to fear for my kids. I'm allowed to worry how this will affect my job.. I'm allowed to be frightened beyond belief, and still be strong. So.. Pray for me. Pray for my family.. But most of all pray for my sanity. Because so far there have been days that I am in a fog.. And clarity would very much help. Also,being alone.. Yeah it's not helping me. I need love and support.. And hugs.. And if anyone has any ideas about fundraising or anything of the sort.. Please tell me.. Because I will need it. Thanks for listening... 

Jess

Just... Overwhelmed

Does any other mom have the issue of literally not having enough time? It takes me an hour at least to get to work.. I work 8-9 hours then it takes me an hour at least to get home. When I get home I have to make dinner clean up from dinner and then spend an hour or so playing.. Reading.. Checking homework.. Listening about days.. At the same time I am washing clothes.. Giving baths.. Etc. 

Most nights by 8:30 I'm actually able to sit down only to remember that I have laundry to do.. A bed to make.. Kitchen to clean.. Who the heck knows what else.

 Tonight we had sandwiches for dinner... Did that save me time? No.. Because I had two showers.. A bath.. And a nice story about glasses to deal with. 

The kids beebop between my home and their dads.. The weeks they are not here... Suck. I usually work very late and stay away from my house. 

So... I'm sitting here.. Absolutely exhausted..almost to tears actually. I have a mountain.. Literally a mountain of laundry to fold.. And another to wash.. Or four... Dishes to wash.. 

Overwhelmed isn't even the word. 

Did I mention how stressed I am about this thyroid thing?

Sigh

Being a mom is the best thing.. But it's also the hardest thing ever. Tell me I'm not the only one...

Just because you donate doesn't make you a father

Let me start this out by saying this is in no way about my kids dad. This post is about some stuff I've seen and it's disgusting and well I want to blog my opinion. So here goes....

You are an awkward, in a weird place, different teenage girl. You've been cheated on, hurt, and left so many times that you're not sure you'll ever meet the guy.. Ya know.. That guy. The one.

Then one day you meet him. The one you think is your everything. The one you decide to give everything to, including your body.. Because you love him, and your heart controls your mind. And well you're happy. Most of the time, right?

Then life comes along..

And you get two straight lines on a test you didn't intend on taking for years.

You're pregnant..

But hey it's ok because you're in love.

But wait...

He isn't. He has left. Fighting starts.... Lies start. And you realize the man you fell in love with is nothing but a boy playing make believe.

He deserts you during your pregnancy. He lies and tells you everything you want to hear but does none of it. He misses appointments.. He pays for nothing.. He dumps you over and over again. Then one day it hits you.

I am going to be a single mom, because my daughters father is a child.

He is a deadbeat. Because if he isn't there for the pregnancy... Why would he be there for the actual hard part? The baby?

Here's my thoughts..

first of all the girl didn't get herself pregnant. It's as much responsibility to the boy as it is the girls.

Also.. What example is that man giving to his child? Would he want his daughter treated that way someday?

I also think this even stems from the parents that raised him..

It's time for parents to stand up and raise our kids to be good parents.

To let them know backing down from a challenge is not ok..

To let them know that there are some things you don't have choices about.

It's time for a lot of stupid boys to grow up. Just because you don't carry the child doesn't make you free from all responsibility.

It's time to be a damn parent.

It's time for responsibility.

It's time to man the hell up.

And if you can-

Practice abstinence before marriage or at least be safe....

Be safe..

Be safe

find your person...

Just saying

J

Why sometimes it just sucks

There is not a book that tells you how to feel when you co parent. Nothing written in stone that tells you what to do in certain situations.. there is not a co parenting bible.. Hell by the time my kids are 18 I may feel like i have written the bible on it. I have been doing it for a year and a half now.. and a lot of things suck.. so I am going to talk about those.. because honestly people do not get it. 1. Coming home alone.... A long time ago i used to LOVE coming home to no one. I could relax.. cook dinner.. do laundry.. clean.. get things done before the "crazy" started. It rarely happened, but i loved it when it did. Now every other week, I am alone. When I say alone, I mean alone alone. Right now, I am eating pickles and typing this blog.. and i hate it. I miss my kids giggles.. i miss nightly routine. I miss their smiles, smells, voices. I miss being their mommy. I miss it all. I also miss company... Having someone to talk to at night. I miss falling asleep next to someone. Being alone.. is awful. 2. Having to reset.... my parenting and my ex husbands parenting are VERY different.. so we have a few days of "reset". Where they have to realize they are back here and not there. The worst day is Monday. Its like I have new strange children EVERY week. 3. Hearing about how they love a "step" parent.... A parent that has had nothing to do with them until now.. and the only reason they are there is by circumstance. It breaks my heart. 4. Holidays... missing my kids on holidays... there will be no early morning Christmas for me.. because my kids will not be here. Not until 10 AM on Christmas day. 5. Sharing my friends.. I am not going to elaborate on this.. but just know it hurts. Those are just to name a few. My daughter tells me all the time "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".. and I have made that my omen as of late. I have made my circumstances.. I am just.. sad sometimes. So for all of you that ask why I am sad sometimes.. here it is.

Missing him

Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.

I can not believe I've known this man a year now.. that a short year ago I'd start a texting journey that would end with me falling in love..and being loved back. Finding that I'm worthy of appreciation..caring..and just awesomeness.  Blah blah.. I know. So I sit here missing my guy. He is in Florida and will be until Sunday.. I will see him Monday night.. that's almost 4 days from now. .. while I miss his smell..his laugh.. his touch.. and many other things.. I miss his voice the most. It's been two days since I've heard it and I just... Miss it. Does this make me a sap.. I guess.. but does it make me realize how very much in love with him I am.. yeah. So while I'll mosey on through the rest of the week and I'll get through it.. and seeing him Monday will be terrific.. my heart aches a little for my guy. Love you Josh.

Ps. He is having a blast.

Getting comfortable...my journey at the year mark

"It's all so simple when you break it all down..two roads converged down the hollow ground..it's taken all my life to hear the sound of sweet simplicity..."

Ahhh simplicity.. Getting comfortable.

You go through this traumatic event.. that blows your entire world sky high...then you start to heal. You join support groups..you talk to your friends (the ones that are actually there to listen) you lose friends along the way.. But ultimately you heal.. now.. a year is behind me.. and I'm stronger..And I'm happier.. And I've moved on. But.. does it still hurt? YES. So much at times that I in fact have to will myself out of bed. But..I do it. Maybe not smiling..But I do it.

Why do I do it? Because I don't have another choice. My kids don't care if I'm sad that stuff failed. They care about going swimming..going to the park..playing baseball..dancing.. that's what is important to them. And so that is what's important to me.

Now..the moving on thing is tricky..

"I'm in love in love with a wonderful guy...that's what's the matter with me.. "

Yes. I met someone who has become my person. His family is wonderful..and I can see a lot of future there. Which is incredible..because if you know my boyfriend you know why I say that I wasn't sure where we would go in the beginning. And at the time..I was ok with that.. I wasn't ready for serious.. now..I can't imagine my life without him. It's crazy how things work out. I can't believe it's been 10 months.. they have flown by.

Making the decision to let your heart go after a divorce is so Damn hard.. it is HARD. But trust your heart..

My friends.. I've made New ones with this new job.. But ultimately they know who they are.. the ones who have been there for me and will continue to be there for me. I love you

Basically I'm writing to say..hey I'm doing ok. I'm happy. But the battle isn't over.. it's just not. And I have my moments where I may just not look it. Dealing with an ex is hard.. and sometimes..I may need help..and prayers..and good thoughts.

I'm humbled by my journey..and know I'm still climbing a mountain.. But I'll climb a little and stop and see a glimpse of the beautiful view..And I know it will be worth the climb..

Hopefully when I make it I'll build a house and stay this time.. maybe I'll finally have a real happily ever after.

It can be done..

Things they don't prepare you for when becoming a parent

I have had an eventful morning.. the girls are currently dancing in their room.. issak is playing with his friend outside.. so im taking a moment to literally laugh. I thought id share my laughter with all of you. 

20 Things they dont prepare you for when you have a lot of kids..

1.you will never poop , pee, shower, or fart alone ever again.
2. oh.. is that your food mommy? No.. no its not. Its mine now.
3. i just ate 7 pieces of bacon and six eggs.. but im completely famished....starving.. whatever "cant I atleast have a piece of bread"
4. did you tell me no? Im going to scream for 20 minutes.. that has to change your mind.
5. ive been silent for 20 minutes.. did I just hear the phone ring? I need everything ive ever needed NOW
6. Moms sleeping.. im going to scream like im being murdered.. mmmooooommmm
"what do you need are you ok.. whats wrong"
oh.. I just want some water.
7. Boogers are made to be eaten
8. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a delicacy. No.. I dont want that casserole that took you 2 hours. Pb and j stat
9. Wait.. is this a fancy restaurant?. . Oh they dont have McDonald's chicken nuggets? Im going to scream now
10. Its bedtime.. im finally a sleep.. wait mom just put in a dvd.. "hey mommy what cha doing.. ya got popcorn?"
11. Is it Thursday and time for your show? I wanna watch doodlebops now.. and im going to cry until its on.
12. Walls are made for crayons.. im freaking Picasso
13. Mommy's boobs are so interesting. . I want to touch them in public because im a weirdo.
14. I just saw a guy with no legs mom.. "hey man why dont you have legs"
15. 6 am on a saturday? Pssh where's my pop tart?
16. Every sibling is wrong but me and I must tattle immediately. .everyone must know.. "HE is being mean to mmeeeee"
17. Wait.. we've listened to let it go 1 million times? "Mommy can you play let it go"
18. MOMMY STOP THE CAR THERE IS A FLY AND HE IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!
19. Mommy's cleaning.. "mom can you come look at the world I built on mine craft. No it cant wait 5 min.. you must come now"
And last but not least. .
20. Parking lots are free for all's and made to run in. .. especially into on coming traffic.  Right?

Hope this made you laugh. This all happened to me in the last I dunno 24 hours..

Jess ♥