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Sunday, February 12, 2012

The note you'll never see

"This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless"

Losing a friend is hard, even though it is for the right reasons....

Sometimes you lay awake at night, and wonder how you got here. How things changed, and how you became less important... Then you start thinking about all your what if's.. What if i could just rewind time like 4 months so I could stop some things..but then you ultimately realize that yes, the same story would have played out no matter what actions could have been changed on your part, because that "friend" wouldn't of changed. Then, I want to smack myself for staying awake playing it over in my head once again.

I am dumb because I am still letting you reside in my mind, instead of truly moving on.. I know it will take time, i wish I could blink and forget the last 7 years with you, but I can't and it sucks..

What's even worse, is now all your problems are my fault, I have created this pit you're in, when I really haven't. But that's what you believe, and its not a loss to you, you're not hurting because this is your vengeance. I try to make myself understand why, and I can't. How its so easy to not see me or my family. How hard it is for me to explain to my daughter you won't be around anymore. How I have had to delete all of your pictures, and take down paintings, and hide necklaces to try to force myself to not think about it. It really doesn't help. I try to make it seem like its not bothering me, but secretly it really does, and I think about it a lot..

You see I have felt a huge distance for about a year, like this gap, that's scary because I have tried to ignore it, but it was always there. I can't think of what triggered it, but the independence from the divorce, and the friendship with S I am sure had a lot to do with it. Then in the last few months, I barely recognize you because of the amount of changes you've made. Regardless if they positive or not, the ones that are not, are the very ones I am bumfuzzled about.

I am racking my brain to understand when we all became less important. when we became less of a constant in your life. Lately you have told me, you need to find your place, your happiness and you need time. How selfish is that? What was I going through when you were getting divorced? What about your first home treatment? I pushed away my troubles for you because you needed me. Have you thought about that? Have all the times I have relinquished time with my family to you meant nothing? You can't do the same for me? You do not have kids, and you can't do it? If you're not there for others when they need you, then why would they then need to be there for you?

I am 27 years old, and i have never lost a good friend, a "bestie" as you would say. I am hurt, and heart broken, and I can't forget about it, can't let it go. I even bought you a birthday present out of habit.Its as if I have lost a limb. I had to block you on my phone because I have caught myself dialing your number....

Maddy asked for you this morning, and it sent me into tears. She asks for you often and it always breaks my heart, you were her favorite you know?.

I know you will not see this, and I guess that's OK, but I really needed to get this out, so I can maybe find solace today, and forget it for a little while. I will always love you and have a place in my heart for you, but I can't be ok with the way things have been, and I can't be ok with not being on someones "list", and to make even more of a point, I will not let my kids not matter, I won't let them get hurt again.

Its an onward cycle.. one day it won't hurt as bad...