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Friday, July 29, 2016

yeah kids consume your life

I was told yesterday that "kids shouldn't run our life".. I have pondered on this now for a bit and slept on it.. And I have my own thoughts on what this means to me. 

He was right.. Kids shouldn't run our life..

Kids should consume it. Having a child isn't a novelty thing.. It's not for fun.. It's not for shits and giggles. You have children because you decided at some point that you wanted to leave a legacy. That you wanted to become a parent. That you wanted to be a teacher. That you wanted to complete something. 

You have kids to breath life into someone, teach them, mold them, make them a reputable member of society. You pray for them.. You love them.. You feed them.. Dress them. 

Life as you knew it is over when they arrive. 

I remember having my son. I remember him being placed on my chest. I was a stupid 18 year old kid. I had no idea what having a child meant. I could not even fathom what was going to happen to me. I thought I was in love with the person whom I was having Issak with.. But my goodness what happened to my heart when I saw that boy.. The feeling can not be described in words. It's a feeling I have felt three wonderful times.. It's the feeling of your heart expanding.. Making more room for love to fill it. 

When they are not with me... I am not complete. I very seldom use sitters.. I don't do things they can not do.. Because I want them with me. My life is not complete without them. I am not whole without them. 

For those of us who have children... Do me a favor.. When you think about going out on a Friday night because you need a break.. Call it a break. Don't say your children shouldn't run your life... Because chances are.. They already do. And if they don't.. Honey you're doing it wrong. 



Thursday, July 28, 2016

missing him


I don't blog often enough. I have to remind myself that it helps clear my thoughts... Or reset my brain if you will. Sometimes thoughts flow and you need to just put them on paper for everyone to see. 

You see I've had this month from hell. I know many know my grandfather passed away.. Beyond what an amazing man he was.. And what he meant to everyone else's life he touched... He was my grandfather.. My pa pa. My second everything. I still cry thinking of losing him. I haven't been able to talk about him without crying. I wear his shirt to bed.. I can still feel His presence at my grandmothers. I can hear him yelling about the liner of the pool.. Or hearing his testimony as to why I need to return to church. (I'm working on this) 

I can't put into words how much I miss this man. His presence. His voice.. And the way he loved me at times I didn't think anyone would. I lost my best friend. 

So I'll leave everyone with that.. A thought of his Donald Duck voice.. And how it's coming up on a month without him.. And I still feel like I am living in a fairy tale. 

I love you more than words my pa pa. 

Busy bee Jess 


Monday, September 14, 2015

It gets easier

Do you wanna know what's hard? Being a single parent. It doesn't get easier... Especially when you have another parent to deal with. I'll give you examples of things I'm sure parents with a partner take for granted... When it's 11 at night and you have heartburn and you're out of medicine.. And you really need medicine but you can't run to the store cause the kids are asleep... So you drink milk until you can't stand it and you go back to sleep. Or when your favorite bands in town and your best friends going but you have no sitter. When you really want new shoes but your son needs bells.. 

 Becoming a single mom has made me look at the phrase "put on your big girl panties and deal with it". There are so many things I do differently now. And there are times I can't believe I do it alone. I rearrange rooms, move TVs, cook, clean, fix boo boos, brush hair.... I amaze myself. 

 But you know what sucks the most about being a single parent... When they go back to their dads for his time.. And you sit in the quiet house, alone, with your heart breaking because you miss them. The loneliness sucks.. 

I have become a pro at being alone though it doesn't really get better. I miss adults.. I miss normal things. 

Being a single parent is the most rewarding experience I've faced because it has made me bullet proof. Not many people can say that. 


Sunday, March 8, 2015

Cause it's a really hard time.. And it's really just scary

I've procrastinated on going to the doctor.. Why? Well let's be honest.. You gain a little weight.. You change insurances.. You have to go grocery shopping.. You don't want to miss work.. And the list goes on. The last time I had a full physical was over 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with thyroid disease that landed me on a roller coaster of meds. So after 3 years and having a million aches and pains.. And in all honesty feeling like crap.. And did I mention the 30 lb weight gain that was out of the blue? Yeah that too. I started slowly with my dentist.. And I needed extensive work so that was my focus for a bit.. I moved on to my regular family doctor. A new one actually who seemed very concerned with the thickening in my throat. She ordered a mountain of tests that I agreed to. I left there and went for x Rays at Hendersonville hospital. Same day I had an apt with my ob. As I sit here two weeks later with the news my doctors told me.... I'm flabbergasted, scared out of my mind, very worried on how I'm supposed to pay for the procedures I need to fight this stuff, mad at myself for not going to the doctor sooner, exhausted.. Physically and emotionally.. And just... At a loss. My regular doctor informed me that the cyst on my thyroid has doubled in size and has spread to my right side.. She stated it could be cancerous.. But no matter what they will remove it.(meaning my entire thyroid) So.. Surgery. My ob told me that my test grew carcinoma cells which are prevalent in cervical and ovarian cancer. I am having further studies in the next few weeks... But the fact of the matter is this.. My body is already growing an epithelial cell that is growing a type of cancer. So there's the word.. Cancer.. And let's just say this.. While we are being honest.. It's such a shitty word. It's not nice.. It doesn't play fair.. And it sucks... To know that my chances of a hysterectomy are high... Makes me nauseated. I know I am supposed to have another child... Sometime.. So this hurts my heart so much. 

 Now many people are telling me to be strong.. And for those who know me, I am strong. Probably one of the strongest people you'll meet. I kick ass and I take names.. And I wouldn't have it any other way. However, I am very allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to be brought to my knees.. I'm allowed to be needy, and want my mommy who lives hundreds of miles from me. I'm allowed to fear for my kids. I'm allowed to worry how this will affect my job.. I'm allowed to be frightened beyond belief, and still be strong. So.. Pray for me. Pray for my family.. But most of all pray for my sanity. Because so far there have been days that I am in a fog.. And clarity would very much help. Also,being alone.. Yeah it's not helping me. I need love and support.. And hugs.. And if anyone has any ideas about fundraising or anything of the sort.. Please tell me.. Because I will need it. Thanks for listening... 


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Just... Overwhelmed

Does any other mom have the issue of literally not having enough time? It takes me an hour at least to get to work.. I work 8-9 hours then it takes me an hour at least to get home. When I get home I have to make dinner clean up from dinner and then spend an hour or so playing.. Reading.. Checking homework.. Listening about days.. At the same time I am washing clothes.. Giving baths.. Etc. 

Most nights by 8:30 I'm actually able to sit down only to remember that I have laundry to do.. A bed to make.. Kitchen to clean.. Who the heck knows what else.

 Tonight we had sandwiches for dinner... Did that save me time? No.. Because I had two showers.. A bath.. And a nice story about glasses to deal with. 

The kids beebop between my home and their dads.. The weeks they are not here... Suck. I usually work very late and stay away from my house. 

So... I'm sitting here.. Absolutely exhausted..almost to tears actually. I have a mountain.. Literally a mountain of laundry to fold.. And another to wash.. Or four... Dishes to wash.. 

Overwhelmed isn't even the word. 

Did I mention how stressed I am about this thyroid thing?


Being a mom is the best thing.. But it's also the hardest thing ever. Tell me I'm not the only one...

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Just because you donate doesn't make you a father

Let me start this out by saying this is in no way about my kids dad. This post is about some stuff I've seen and it's disgusting and well I want to blog my opinion. So here goes....

You are an awkward, in a weird place, different teenage girl. You've been cheated on, hurt, and left so many times that you're not sure you'll ever meet the guy.. Ya know.. That guy. The one.

Then one day you meet him. The one you think is your everything. The one you decide to give everything to, including your body.. Because you love him, and your heart controls your mind. And well you're happy. Most of the time, right?

Then life comes along..

And you get two straight lines on a test you didn't intend on taking for years.

You're pregnant..

But hey it's ok because you're in love.

But wait...

He isn't. He has left. Fighting starts.... Lies start. And you realize the man you fell in love with is nothing but a boy playing make believe.

He deserts you during your pregnancy. He lies and tells you everything you want to hear but does none of it. He misses appointments.. He pays for nothing.. He dumps you over and over again. Then one day it hits you.

I am going to be a single mom, because my daughters father is a child.

He is a deadbeat. Because if he isn't there for the pregnancy... Why would he be there for the actual hard part? The baby?

Here's my thoughts..

first of all the girl didn't get herself pregnant. It's as much responsibility to the boy as it is the girls.

Also.. What example is that man giving to his child? Would he want his daughter treated that way someday?

I also think this even stems from the parents that raised him..

It's time for parents to stand up and raise our kids to be good parents.

To let them know backing down from a challenge is not ok..

To let them know that there are some things you don't have choices about.

It's time for a lot of stupid boys to grow up. Just because you don't carry the child doesn't make you free from all responsibility.

It's time to be a damn parent.

It's time for responsibility.

It's time to man the hell up.

And if you can-

Practice abstinence before marriage or at least be safe....

Be safe..

Be safe

find your person...

Just saying


Thursday, December 11, 2014

Why sometimes it just sucks

There is not a book that tells you how to feel when you co parent. Nothing written in stone that tells you what to do in certain situations.. there is not a co parenting bible.. Hell by the time my kids are 18 I may feel like i have written the bible on it. I have been doing it for a year and a half now.. and a lot of things suck.. so I am going to talk about those.. because honestly people do not get it. 1. Coming home alone.... A long time ago i used to LOVE coming home to no one. I could relax.. cook dinner.. do laundry.. clean.. get things done before the "crazy" started. It rarely happened, but i loved it when it did. Now every other week, I am alone. When I say alone, I mean alone alone. Right now, I am eating pickles and typing this blog.. and i hate it. I miss my kids giggles.. i miss nightly routine. I miss their smiles, smells, voices. I miss being their mommy. I miss it all. I also miss company... Having someone to talk to at night. I miss falling asleep next to someone. Being alone.. is awful. 2. Having to reset.... my parenting and my ex husbands parenting are VERY different.. so we have a few days of "reset". Where they have to realize they are back here and not there. The worst day is Monday. Its like I have new strange children EVERY week. 3. Hearing about how they love a "step" parent.... A parent that has had nothing to do with them until now.. and the only reason they are there is by circumstance. It breaks my heart. 4. Holidays... missing my kids on holidays... there will be no early morning Christmas for me.. because my kids will not be here. Not until 10 AM on Christmas day. 5. Sharing my friends.. I am not going to elaborate on this.. but just know it hurts. Those are just to name a few. My daughter tells me all the time "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".. and I have made that my omen as of late. I have made my circumstances.. I am just.. sad sometimes. So for all of you that ask why I am sad sometimes.. here it is.