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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Life...blink..... woah it changed

"Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me accountable
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Anyway you can "

Life.. well it changes in an instant, with a stupid phone call, or even a simple doctors visit. Your life as you know it can change just as quickly as the rain can start, or the sun sets, or you blink and a year is gone. I guess in the past, I've know this, but never truly felt it (other than blinking, and seeing my kids grow). Over the last month of my life, it has been MIND BOGGLING. I have started a new job, found the root of my back problems as well discovered the root of my weight problems, mood problems, and exhaustion problems.

What started as a nodule is now a cyst/ tumor on my thyroid. I can't begin to describe to you the feeling of loss when you have a doctor call you and tell you that basically you will have to have surgery and be on medication for the rest of your life, that something could possibly be cancerous, and that there is really nothing you can do about it..



The timing in impecable.. I mean right? With everything else going on this is just added mmpphhh..

Life is literally punching me in my face..

How the hell do I get over this? How do I over come?

Pray, ok.. Check did that.. do i feel relief, well yeah, but I can't sleep.. I sit up awake or lay there awake thinking of my job, and being there such a short time, worried I may or may not be able to keep the job in the event of surgery, which at this point is inevitable seeing that he growth has doubled in size in 2 weeks....

Ask for help, done... called.. expressed.. I need help.. I need love.. i need support.. I NEED MY MOM, and she isn't here. she is 400 miles away, and I want her to hug me.. so much right now... My friends.. well they have lives that do not revole around my needs.. and i have to wait for them.. and it sucks

I am down for the count.. out... and well its hard to explain, and be optimistic when i have this cloud nailing me in the head ....

God will provide.. he will provide..


I need to keep reminding myself of that.. he only will give me what I can handle and nothing more...

BUT its really really hard..

Its so so hard..

Pray for my strength, It is fading quickly at the moment

<3 busy b J

Sunday, October 9, 2011

My, amazing..screwed up....spur of the moment...high on life...thought process

Why am I feeling so guilty

Why am I holding my breath

Worry about everyone but me and I just keep losing my breath....

My days have been long, and my time has been short... I feel lonely and like I am missing out on something... My life maybe?? I am not sure... My job is stressful.. Its not that I don't like it, its just.. a LOT.. and I really miss my sweet kids. I've gained weight from the stress, and I have hurt my back recently so it is making it difficult doing all the working out i did prior to my back pain...

October, while it is beautiful, and it is my favorite season, it is my least favorite month. We used to have an annual party every year for halloween... The last one we had was the best.. Jon and I dressed up as Madea and Uncle Jon.. we had a hot dog roast, carved pumpkins and made smores... My house was full of laughter and friends, and it was perfect.. This was the last Halloween Party that I think my house will ever hold. The memories and people from this last party can never be repeated, so in saying that, I do not want to replace those memories.

ha ha I remember Brandy showing me how Bain had gas (he was a newborn at the time) and showing me how she could take his knees and push the gas out.. ha ha ha her, me,Jon, and Paul laughed for hours. I remember talking about going to Sams, and getting certain things... Like I said these memories can never be replaced...

We miss him... a lot....

So I am not 100% now.. I will get there, and with Christmas coming and winter, I am optimistic of the wonderful seasonal changes, and the fun times ahead.

I am blessed with a beautiful family, gah they make me happy... so so so happy. Maddy comes up with the most amazin ways to make me laugh out loud... Morgan makes me want to freeze her in time, and Issak is the smartest kid ever.. he has all a's in school right now...

ALL things to be extremely happy and proud about..

On another note, I have recently realized that I miss my art, as well as my crafts... When I get paid on friday, I am going to invest in some of my craft stuff again.. people should expect a lot of cool home made gifts for christmas. I have a ton of ideas, and I can't wait to start.. :)

I am still slowy but surely working on music.. in more ways than anyone knows... I have a suprise that will blow my husbands mind... I can not wait for Christmas...

I end up rambling in my blogs.. ha ha.. It is a ton of random thoughts, I throw together on a website, BUT it makes me happy.. it makes me relieved, it makes me get things off my chest I wouldn't normally...

Like I want to go back to school, but honestly do not have the strength to make the leap... I have a few ideas of what I want to do... Art teacher, Social Worker, or I want to create my own business... possibly own a shop.. I don't know for sure yet, but I am meant for so much more...

We were meant to live for so much more

have we lost ourselves?

Somewhere we live inside

Somewhere we live inside

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence

And whether mice or men have second tries

Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open

Maybe we're bent and broken. Broken

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

This song rings true in me right now... I am sad.. I will be better.. but love me right now, be there, hug me when I cry, hug me when I smile, answer when I call... make time for the small things... I need to be surrounded by greatness this month...

Love you all