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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Life...blink..... woah it changed

"Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me accountable
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Anyway you can "

Life.. well it changes in an instant, with a stupid phone call, or even a simple doctors visit. Your life as you know it can change just as quickly as the rain can start, or the sun sets, or you blink and a year is gone. I guess in the past, I've know this, but never truly felt it (other than blinking, and seeing my kids grow). Over the last month of my life, it has been MIND BOGGLING. I have started a new job, found the root of my back problems as well discovered the root of my weight problems, mood problems, and exhaustion problems.

What started as a nodule is now a cyst/ tumor on my thyroid. I can't begin to describe to you the feeling of loss when you have a doctor call you and tell you that basically you will have to have surgery and be on medication for the rest of your life, that something could possibly be cancerous, and that there is really nothing you can do about it..



The timing in impecable.. I mean right? With everything else going on this is just added mmpphhh..

Life is literally punching me in my face..

How the hell do I get over this? How do I over come?

Pray, ok.. Check did that.. do i feel relief, well yeah, but I can't sleep.. I sit up awake or lay there awake thinking of my job, and being there such a short time, worried I may or may not be able to keep the job in the event of surgery, which at this point is inevitable seeing that he growth has doubled in size in 2 weeks....

Ask for help, done... called.. expressed.. I need help.. I need love.. i need support.. I NEED MY MOM, and she isn't here. she is 400 miles away, and I want her to hug me.. so much right now... My friends.. well they have lives that do not revole around my needs.. and i have to wait for them.. and it sucks

I am down for the count.. out... and well its hard to explain, and be optimistic when i have this cloud nailing me in the head ....

God will provide.. he will provide..


I need to keep reminding myself of that.. he only will give me what I can handle and nothing more...

BUT its really really hard..

Its so so hard..

Pray for my strength, It is fading quickly at the moment

<3 busy b J

Sunday, October 9, 2011

My, amazing..screwed up....spur of the moment...high on life...thought process

Why am I feeling so guilty

Why am I holding my breath

Worry about everyone but me and I just keep losing my breath....

My days have been long, and my time has been short... I feel lonely and like I am missing out on something... My life maybe?? I am not sure... My job is stressful.. Its not that I don't like it, its just.. a LOT.. and I really miss my sweet kids. I've gained weight from the stress, and I have hurt my back recently so it is making it difficult doing all the working out i did prior to my back pain...

October, while it is beautiful, and it is my favorite season, it is my least favorite month. We used to have an annual party every year for halloween... The last one we had was the best.. Jon and I dressed up as Madea and Uncle Jon.. we had a hot dog roast, carved pumpkins and made smores... My house was full of laughter and friends, and it was perfect.. This was the last Halloween Party that I think my house will ever hold. The memories and people from this last party can never be repeated, so in saying that, I do not want to replace those memories.

ha ha I remember Brandy showing me how Bain had gas (he was a newborn at the time) and showing me how she could take his knees and push the gas out.. ha ha ha her, me,Jon, and Paul laughed for hours. I remember talking about going to Sams, and getting certain things... Like I said these memories can never be replaced...

We miss him... a lot....

So I am not 100% now.. I will get there, and with Christmas coming and winter, I am optimistic of the wonderful seasonal changes, and the fun times ahead.

I am blessed with a beautiful family, gah they make me happy... so so so happy. Maddy comes up with the most amazin ways to make me laugh out loud... Morgan makes me want to freeze her in time, and Issak is the smartest kid ever.. he has all a's in school right now...

ALL things to be extremely happy and proud about..

On another note, I have recently realized that I miss my art, as well as my crafts... When I get paid on friday, I am going to invest in some of my craft stuff again.. people should expect a lot of cool home made gifts for christmas. I have a ton of ideas, and I can't wait to start.. :)

I am still slowy but surely working on music.. in more ways than anyone knows... I have a suprise that will blow my husbands mind... I can not wait for Christmas...

I end up rambling in my blogs.. ha ha.. It is a ton of random thoughts, I throw together on a website, BUT it makes me happy.. it makes me relieved, it makes me get things off my chest I wouldn't normally...

Like I want to go back to school, but honestly do not have the strength to make the leap... I have a few ideas of what I want to do... Art teacher, Social Worker, or I want to create my own business... possibly own a shop.. I don't know for sure yet, but I am meant for so much more...

We were meant to live for so much more

have we lost ourselves?

Somewhere we live inside

Somewhere we live inside

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence

And whether mice or men have second tries

Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open

Maybe we're bent and broken. Broken

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

This song rings true in me right now... I am sad.. I will be better.. but love me right now, be there, hug me when I cry, hug me when I smile, answer when I call... make time for the small things... I need to be surrounded by greatness this month...

Love you all

Thursday, September 29, 2011

So.. about that...

Love love love love love

I get so lost, sometimes

Days pass they pass and this emptiness fills my heart

When I want to run away I drive off in my car

But, whichever way I go I come back to the place you are

WWWOOOOOWWWW.. sometimes life is just ridiculously overwhelming... and I am sitting here realizing that I am not in the place I want to be. depressing.. well yeah, of course.. Mainly its a realization I am glad I have come to. So now there is a the question, where in fact, do I want to be... Well see, that's just it.. I am not sure. As far as my job, I am good there, I do like where I am, and the potential it holds as well as the people and friends I have made in just a little over a month. BUT.. there are things that I love that I am missing out on. There used to be a time that all I wanted to do was paint... FOR HOURS.. and I am pretty good at it, as well as drawing, and other crafty things. I haven't scrap booked in almost 2 years. Why?? I do not make time for me... the time I make consists of grocery shopping, or the occasional trip out with my girl friends. I used to be this amazing cultural, artistic person, and I feel like she is still here, but I am letting myself dissapear to support other peoples dreams.. my kids, and my husbands.. So now.. I am starting a plan.. As long as my job turns out the way I believe it will, I want to take some art classes, as well as make more time for music. My music... I want to write, as well as learn and work with other instruments... I know I can do amazing things... I believe in me, even if I have others surrounding me who do not. What worries me is I only have so much "mmmpphhh" in my step.. There is only so many times I can tell my self I am talented and feed myself the "lines" I need to make myself believe it.... without others support, or just reminding me what I truly am capable of, well I will lose my drive and stamina... Complacency at its finest.. which is where I am at now... I need help.....

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Sometimes you have to look back

November 2009.... I was at thanksgiving dinner at mt grandparents house. Maddy was 2 Issak was 6...My parents had come in for a visit... here is what i looked like then

Now I must say this date stands out the most to me because i was freezing and I borrowed one of my grandfathers jackets, and i could barely button it. I was in a size 28, and i weighed 286 pounds. Christmas came and i got a new fluffy red robe ....Issak looked at me and asked if I was related to santa clause cause I was fat like him....Right then and there i decided i was done.... My new years resolution was to lose weight...

I was on a mission... My goal to lose 100 lbs by then end of the year... I worked my butt off and by June I had lost 85... gotten down to a 20... I lowered my calorie intake to 1200 and excercised 7 (YES 7) days a week. I did zumba, curves, weight training, wii fit, and p90x.

Apparently I was feeling terrific about myself, because I got pregnant with Morgan... which resulted in....

9 months and 27 lbs later.. I had a beautiful daughter but had gone up 3 sizes... so I started again when Morgan was 5 months old.... Now I am happy to say that in all the gaining and losing and baby and everything I have lost 136 lbs. I weigh 187 lbs with my goal weight of 150 only 37 lbs away. I wear a 14 so I have dropped 14 sizes... i went from 46 inches around to 34 now... here is a recent picture...

I must say I am not done lately I have been working on toning and losing this last little bit... Monday and Wednesday I have been going to the civic center and trying to work out for at least 45 minutes. I made it to 320 crunches Tuesday with up to a 210 press... I am getting this off.. I've lost 4lbs and 1 inch since Monday. So for those who stand in my way, or for those who make excuses... SHUT UP put on your big girl/boy panties and do the thing. If I can do it ANYONE can...


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

and..... its just .......well It is a new beginning of a new book, but it just sucks

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy, that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days, for the rest of my days

I guess I should revise the above lyrics to say I am so happy that you are the friend that i've got for the rest of my days....

So I have this friend.. and let me say she is the best. She makes me smile and laugh and just be... See it sucks because I didn't get the chance to grow up with her, or know her in school, or hang out with her as regularly as i would have liked to until the last few years. Its kind of like I have found this diamond in the rough. This person who shines a whole new light on things for me, and she was there all along, but i didn't know her. Because of her, my entire perspective on life has changed. I am going to do something amazing with my life, and some of that is because of Shauna. The risks and amazing adventures we have had, well they have been just that..amazing. Stuff I would have never even thought of doing without her. I can chalk my tattoo addiction up to her... (Thanks for the expensive hobby dear ;p) Ya see, I have few friends that I consider true friends... Yeah I have those acquaintances and stuff, but the ones that i truly love and care deeply for fit on one hand. These friends are usually the ones who have profoundly inspired me and continue to inspire.. and they know who they are, I tell them regularly...I know I am not losing this friend, she is just going to be a little farther away than i would like..When I say.."I am going to miss her" its not one of those things I am saying because it is the right thing to say... I am seriously going to miss her. I think she will be taking a small piece of me to Chattanooga with her...

Missing you will hurt, but I know the adventures that are before you are great, and I know you will see me soon. You will be my forever friend, and I am lucky to have you in my life.... ALWAYS remember

Hello Darlin’

I see the pain you grow

And you’re just wantin’

To have a hand to hold

Securities unsettling

And Faiths not what you’d thought it be

So clear your mind

The answer you will find

And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright

He’s no prince charmin’

But I love him anyway..

I know you’re askin’

What price will be paid..

It’s all a mixed philosophy

When heart and mind they don’t agree

Just give me time

To say goodbye

And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright

Blurring lines of love

Pain it’s caused, emersed

Prayer forgotten, let it go..let it go

And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright

I love you :)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

would it be ok

"I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours
It's simply radiant,
I feel more with everyday that goes by
I watch the clock to make my timing just right
Would it be okay?
Would it be okay if I took your breath away?
And I'm wasting away,
away from you."

I can't sleep... I just lay awake a lot of the time staring at my ceiling. Thinking of everything. everything I could be doing, how I am going to feel in the morning due to the lack of sleep. What I can do with the kids, what I can do for myself... etc. I am desperate need of a vacation. Get away with my husband, who can't see this. I want to go somewhere for a couple of days and just relax. Sleep in, and never leave my hotel room. Is that so wrong? Probably would be nice to have a dependable sitter to count on for that one eh??? Sigh, I think my head is overwhelmed right now. with a ton of different stuff.


I have been baking. Gosh I love it. I have been cooking and baking away my feelings.. ha ha cup cakes, bread, cake, you name it and I bet I have made it. Not good for my diet, BUT great for my morale.

Why can't life and big decisions, and everything be easier.... Why can't everyday be an awesome day, and I be swept off of my feet daily, and feel connections, and love, and gratitude, and.... something...

I think i need to write a book.. ha ha ha

Monday, July 4, 2011

Facing the wall, in a box

working on a song... thought I'd share... with no music, its pretty lame I guess, but when you are solo on your music projects, well I guess that's what it is until you can find someone to give your story actual meaning (music).. and right now I am solo.. just writing

Get prettied up
Hoping they'll notice, praying that maybe this time
lost a few pounds...
Maybe they'll see, say something... anything

Desire is there
maybe it was, but its gone, confusion sets in
"you're so beautiful"
I believed it, not sure why, it was a lie

At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

what can I do
facing this wall, its hurting, killing me
You just can't see
this shell of me, empty... empty

At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

Help me to live, help me to see, fill up this empty part of me...
remove this wall, breakdown this box... see what you are missing..
can't you see what you are missing when you sleep?

At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

I am lost

Monday, June 27, 2011

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

I am in dire need of strength.I am having trouble finding myself in this mess of who I am right now. I am not sure why... I can not point it out, give you a reason, track it down. I have tried... Frankly, I am tried out. I haven't suffered some immediate huge episode, or traumatic event. Matter of fact my life is pretty average. I just seem to have lost myself at the moment, and have let the "seas" of depression sneak in for a bit. I am still a capable mom, and I love my kiddos, the chores get done, and I sit down with Jonathon, but I am completely empty at the moment... by the end of the day, I am "joyed" out. I am exhausted, and tired, and feel absolutely emotionally inept.

It is almost like I am mourning someone... The loss of oneself maybe? I am grasping at straws here honestly.. I feel like a ghost in my life, I am living it, but really am I? Or is it living me? 99% of the time people see me as happy bright uplifting and fun, but lately I have not achieved this. I seem like I am in a bad mood. I don't tell people my feelings, or what I am going through... Its hard to decide who you can actually speak to in your life without having to hear 1. their advice...2. how they overcame what you are currently going through..or 3. how much better their life is. DID you just hear me? I am currently feeling like a gaping pile of doo doo, and I do not care if you are happy... I am not..Help me, instead of boosting your ego.

I am currently running on fumes, and going through the motions... please excuse my absence in your life at the moment, as I am pretty confident mine is not quite where I need it to be, and I need to fix me right now. help is appreciated, but please don't do what i mentioned above....

I feel so broken....

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

This is not just about cupcakes, its about life!

Broken shoulders resting on my back
Overloaded with a weighed stack
Higher and higher
Time runs tired

I wish I could get out of this funk... maybe i need a break, a get away. Just lately I have felt extremely unappreciated. I don't think its because anyone is necessarily meaning to make me feel this way. I honestly think most of it is in my head. I just do not think anyone gets what all a stay at home mom goes through in a day. So I am going to attempt to spell it out... This is my summer schedule

7 am: Wake up
7:15: Get all 3 kids dressed and ready for the day, brush teeth change diapers egtc
7:45: Breakfast for all 3 kids
8:15: Story time
9:00: TV time
(while tv time is happening, I clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry and get myself ready)
10:00: snack time, School work/ special projects
11:00 prepare lunch for the kids while they watch a movie
11:45: lunch
12:15: Nap time (yeah right.. IF they actually sleep)
12:15-2: This i my down time.. I spend it folding clothes, getting stuff ready for dinner, baking, cleaning up from lunch and eating my own lunch (which i sometimes forget to eat)
2:00: Snack time, outside time, playdoh time, lego time etc
2:45: story time
3:15: Movie time (while there is a movie going I make dinner star another load of laundry clean up from snack)
5:15: Dinner time
6:00: Bath time
7-8 family time
8:00: bed time prep
8:30: bed time
9:00: my bed time

I literally dont sit down some days, and if I want a break i have to get up at the crack of dawn...

Now I am not complaining. Please do not mistake it for that. I love my crazy busy life. What I hate is the people who think i do nothing all day.. like walk around and eat bon bons and let the kids run wild, or yell at them all day (as I have seen parents do). Amazingly, my house doesn't miraculously clean its self.. That banana bread didn't make its self, and no.. that amazing smelling food, it didn't cook itself.

Half the time I do not get a thank you, or even a wow mom that was good. Sometimes being a mom is very frustrating in the sense that you do it all, and the stuff you get in return doesn't always add up. I love my kids and my husband and hearing "i love you" and "I missed you" is always nice, but sometimes actions speak volumes.

Anyway... I am a very frustrated mommy.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

No, I am not a different person, and not acting like a kid either

Jump start my kaleidescope heart
Love to watch the colors fade
It may not make sense
but it sure as hell made me
I won't go as a passenger NO!
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down
I'll take in flame over burning out

Its funny when you go do wild and crazy stuff per say.. the word of the "birds" is that you are going through a mid life crisis or its because of who you hang around, and while some of the later may be true, most of the stuff I have done recently is stuff I have always wanted to do, I just simply haven't had the courage to do it. So for those out there who think I am making mistakes, or I am acting like a "kid" well, I have a two part word for ya... Shut it! Yup I said it. I had Issak young and I didn't have the chance to have cool experiences, since we have a reliable sitter now and stuff Jon and I both are getting to do stuff that we never thought we could... Its fun and EVERYTHING I do has a meaning to me. If you don't know the meaning then ask me. I will tell you, and if you still don;t get it, well then I am sorry. I am artisitc, I am fun, I am inspired, and I do what I think makes me happy!

"And doing so you can recreate yourself and you can also come up with something that is not only original and creative and artistic, but also maybe even decent, or moral if I can use words like that, or something that's like basically good."

"Every individual decision is nothing but coincidence, every artistic decision is coincidence."
Alva Noto

I will bid adieu' now... Life to live and all that Jazz


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Because.. well sometimes you feel like a....nut

This is my winter song to you
the storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea

My voice,a beacon in the night
my words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love?

Ugggh I have felt so crummy as of late....Guess its my own fault, I have been so preoccupied with all kinds of other stuff... I need to get back to my basics and quit being so darn nice to everyone around me.... I have been so exhausted and tired and just blah, and I know it has shown in not only my demeanor, but in my dress and talking, and everything basically... Ya see these summer months have come, and they tend to make you REALLY self conscious and although I have succeeded on my weight loss journey this year, I am still not confident.. mainly because I still see yucky me in the mirror,and guess what if you have not been heavy you can not begin to comprehend...

To make matters worse,my voice has left... it comes and goes but not enough to sing much, darn allergies.. its more than annoying..

So if you have talked to me lately, and I have seem down, or different or rather "cold".. I can assure you, its not you.. I'm just not myself, and eventually I will come back around just give me a minute, or 10.. lol Love you all

Friday, May 27, 2011

As the world spins, Sometimes.. I just wanna stop...

I'll be true, I'll be useful
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you
If you'll just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

This month has been a trying month. Pretty sure its been because of my busy schedule as well as Jon having to work a lot of the weekends and the end of school coming. You ever have that time of the year that you blink and its gone? Well that has been this month. I am baffled that it is almost June.

I literally had something on my calendar every single weekend Since the middle of April. Birthday parties, weddings, graduations, dinners, bachelorette parties, fittings, etc etc.... I stay at home with my kids during the day, so i have been spending a ton of time with them, but as far as my husband and I go, we really haven't had good quality time together in the last 4 weeks.

It makes a relationship challenging when you do not have adequate time for one another because of either work or other obligations. In all honesty, it makes me love him more. I cherish the time we do get to spend together alone more because it has been such a long time since we have had time together. I can not, however, say its not completely frustrating... It is... Sometimes I feel like the world is spinning around me and I just want to stop for a moment and be with just him... no kids, no obligations... just time....

I love it when he is in a song writers mood (and I am not sick with allergies). We stay up late and write music, and I get to hear him play. He is so talented, more than he could ever begin to give himself credit for, and its funny because when I tell him this, he laughs. He just has no idea. We have a good thing going with music when we are actually blessed with time when we are not both exhausted, which has not been lately. Sleep hasn't been coming to the Harris house due to sick little girls and Tornado's. (anyone else SO over this weather??)Sometimes I feel like the world is spinning around me and I just want to stop for a moment and be with just him... no kids, no obligations... just time....

I do not tell him enough that I appreciate his sacrifices. We made a lot when I started staying at home, and he has to work a lot harder because of it, but it truly has been a great decision that has benefited the kids tremendously. Plus I am kinda sure he loves the house being cleaned and having a home cooked meal when he gets home.. WHEN and IF we both actually get to sit down together and have a meal... Sometimes I feel like the world is spinning around me and I just want to stop for a moment and be with just him... no kids, no obligations... just time....

All in all my husband is kinda awesome, and I am blessed he chose me out of everyone in the world. I am blessed to have an amazing family with him. I wouldn't change it at all..unless I had the ability to stop everything for 5 min...

Everyone stay safe, hug your other half, make them feel how much you love them, don't let time pass... The time may be approaching where you can't anymore. I am not sure what my future holds in some aspect, but i know it hold my family, and Jonathon by side...

Heaven is here
And tonight we are the only ones who feel it <3

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My Grandpa

Growing up in a small town, with a mom who worked 50 plus hours a week, and a dad who worked nights and two jobs at times, I don't remember a lot about my childhood (i had terrific parents and an awesome brother but this blogs not about them right now)... BUT i remember my grandpa. I remember swimming with him, and him slipping me certs in Sacrament meeting. I remember him taking me for a ride on the lawn mower, and teaching me how to wash a car. I remember him raking HUGE piles of leaves just so I could jump in them. I remember him playing baseball with me, and pushing me off the diving board. My pa pa taught me how to climb a tree, how to paint, how to inflate a tire. He used to sneak and let me drive on his road before I could drive. He would take me to McDonald's for cheeseburgers. Tell me funny jokes and stories, read me stories from the bible... As i got older I remember other things about him... i remember when he took my grandmother to the temple and finally got sealed. I remember his testimony.. I remember when he had his heart attack, and i remember seeing him in the hospital and crying my eyes out thinking I'd never see him alive again. I remember him when I had Issak and him crying and telling me how beautiful he was, and how he knew I'd be an amazing mother. I remember the day I moved to Mississippi and seeing him cry in my rear view mirror as i drove away, and seeing him cry the day I moved back. He has been my rock, my pa pa, my substitute dad, my best friend, my happiness, my everything. If something happened to him, I would be a shell. I love my grandfather more than words can say... This blog can't even begin to do him justice. He truly is one of the best gifts I have on this earth. I am so blessed to call him my papa.

I love you so much pa pa. Forever and always. God will provide. GOD WILL PROVIDE.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

sleeples in gallatin continued.....

Wednesday last week began my sleepless extravaganza. Jon was out at a concert and i was home... Daycare kids were picked up extremely late, so this started off my night late.... Morgan has been on breathing treatments off and on for the better part of April and May due to pneumonia, bronchitis, allergies, etc... The treatment is a nebulized steroid so sleep doesn't come much after she gets it.. Wednesday Maddy was being beautimous and decided that she would stay up until 12. Morgan however decided she would go to sleep at 8 and proceed to wake up every 10 min until 10 then get up and stay up until 12:15 am. I finally had to let her cry herself to sleep... i laid down and Jon got home about 20 min later... taking a shower etc.. at 2 am Morgan woke again, waking Issak and Maddy along with her. Thursday was worse... the entire day she cried and was very clingy. She wanted me to hold her pretty much all day... her breathing got worse. I spent 80% of the day on the phone with her pediatrician... that night was a little better in the fact i went to bed at 11, and was only woke up 5 times resulting in Morgan literally sleeping on my chest for the rest of the night. Friday was my break day... Jon's mom came and let me get out as I was on the verge of a nervous break down between that and my great grandfather being admitted to CCU, it was a little much, i came home and made dinner gave Morgan a treatment and had Erin's rehearsal dinner so I left, and it was daddies turn... According to Jon this night wasn't any better, Morgan laid down late. I went to bed about 1 am Saturday morning, because when i got home at 11, Morgan was awake. I got up at 6 because Saturday was Erin's big day.. (on a side note .. what an amazing day it was) the day was full of awesomeness, and we got home about 11 that night... Morgan woke up once and I had to give her a treatment, but she went back to sleep and woke up at 8.... When i got up i felt like a truck had hit me.. all the late bedtimes and sleepless nights hit me all at one.. Jon told me i looked like walking dead... at 10 I laid down and slept for 2 hours trying to hold Morgan all the while... FYI a baby on albuterol doesn't liked to be held.. like at all... She was tossing and turning and all over the place the entire nap, so restful isn't the word... we went to bed that night around 830..she woke up multiple times throughout the night... then came last night... OH EM GEE... we laid Morgan down around 7 i went to the grocery, when i came home that's when it started, the screaming out, and crying.. every 5 min for 3 hours she did this... it took me 2 hours to get the groceries put away due to this... Jon had taken 2 benadryl cause he was so sick and he was dead to the world... in and out up and down...i ended up doing this with her until 12:45 in the morning... Jon ended up going to sleep on the couch and I stayed up until finally at 1:35 she fell asleep. She woke up again at 4:30 then again at 6:45...and has been up ever since... I am so exhausted I can barely walk straight... sigh... I doubt my body can handle anymore sleepless nights so please pray my little girl gets better... she has been so sick with this breathing crap for so long that I am OVER it....

You SUCK allergies...

On a side note because she has been sick and contagious I haven't gone to the hospital for my great grandpa in fear Ill give him something from her.... Please pray for him... he isn't responsive and isn't really there

Sleepless in Gallatin... Kinda wish i was in Seattle

At least if I were in Seattle.. I could get a glimpse of the mc's :)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Mothers day

A quick view of why I am so happy and amazed to be a mother

Issak Alexander Harris born November 26th 2003 8 lb 7.5 oz loved him from the moment I met him.... My sweet boy...

Madalynn Kate Harris August 29th 2007 (like 2 weeks late) 10 lbs 3.5 oz I swear words can not express the first look at a child you didn;t think you would ever have... She was my miracle...and still is

Last but not least Morgan Elisabeth Harris February 11th 2010 8 lb 5 oz.. Ahhh sweet Morgan... This girl makes my heart grow more and more everyday... I fall in love with her constantly... She is amazing

Happiness, like most things, comes from mothers.
An amniotic universe is rare.
Paradises aren't found with others,
Perhaps because we must breathe our own air.
Yet even after paradise, we find
Mothers are a bath of warm affection.
Only mothers' love is truly blind
To guarantee all errant souls protection.
However we find love, it can be only
Evanescences of memories
Retained from when we never could be lonely,
'Ere we left our mother's outsized knees.
So good it is to have that happiness
Designed to grace each subsequent caress,
All future love and joy to underlie,
Yearning backwards towards a mother's sigh.

May everyone have a beautiful Mothers day

Some things you didn't know

I feel like opening up a little tonight.. Maybe its cause I am here alone, and Jon's out doing something really cool, or maybe its because I have allllll these crazy ideas in my head, or maybe its because a friend recently told me that I don't talk about a certain side of myself... Whatever it may be, I am going to attempt to get a few things out...

My life as a mom started incredibly young... I was 18 when I had Issak. I spent the end of my senior year pregnant and my entire freshman year of college pregnant. and then in November I had a healthy baby boy, and my life as i knew it was over. Was it a bad thing.. No. It was a blessing, and I never would trade it for anything, but i will say it again, it was over. I then think my life I think became a blur... 4 miscarriages, a hard HARD second pregnancy producing my sweet sweet Maddy, dramatic weight loss, and a "OMG I PREGNANT" pregnancy that flew and gave us Morgan.

I know on some level, I am supposed to be something more than I am, and it wasn't until recently that I found a piece of what I think I want. I want to experiment with things, and express myself through writing songs. i want to sing... loud or soft and hit notes I usually only hit when I am driving down the road alone. I want to draw, and color and paint.. I want to play around with my clothes and my hair and make changes inside that make me smile... I want to express myself in art that people can see, and do stuff unexpected.. like zip lining, or cutting all my hair off... I want to be more of the organic person that comes across naturally. i want to do all of this with my husband... I want to share our talents and make something beautiful out of it. I want to be for others what i see in my mirror..

I never realized how liberating it is to write a song.. even if it has no significant meaning.. A song is so powerful and can be everything to someone. To know that I may have the ability to write this song.. well now can you see why its liberating??

I dunno.. I am just thankful after years of thinking and procrastinating, that now I have the opportunity to make up for lost time.. anywhoo Just a few things.. and here are a few pics of how I have been living lately

Zip Lining

Our Band the Strother Pass

Yes it is a tattoo. For many a thing..

Enjoying my husband..

and enjoying telling "you" about it

Busy Bee J

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Easter.. a time of renewal.. THANK YOU

Family pictures were Sunday afternoon. Lets just say the kids were less than cooperative. It was a heck of a day. One of those days where at the end of it the ONLY answer is ice cream... Sigh...It was miserable, but the glorious glorious happy part was today...when I got the pictures back.. I will let them speak for themselves

So the crazy day had great rewards... HOWEVER the following day.. not so much. Having a daycare is the HARDEST JOB I HAVE EVER DONE... can i repeat that? HARDEST JOB EVER. I have to do stuff I have never done before, there are days I do not sit.. there are times I want to go sit in another room and cry.. ha ha anyway Monday.. WOW it was a rough day.. we had a kid throw a fake vaccum at my 1 year olds head.. same kid punch my other daughter in the face because I made him share. NO NAPS and my oldest was home sick....can we say aneurysm... I think that would have been better... lol

Onto today... Today was great. I tried on my bridesmaids dress that had to be taken up another 2 inches on each side 10 inches in all...:) I am ubber excited about that. Went by the grocery and did a super awesome coupon job saved a butt load of money.. The girls were so cute. Maddy was pushing her little buggie and saying.. "MOM do we need cookies??" " we need pudding" ha ha it was terrific. Morgan was all smiles as we went to the bakery and got them both cookies. We came home, Morgan went to sleep and Maddy and I dyed Easter eggs that I had bolied and we made Easter cupcakes.. Such and amazing day.

I am so happy for Easter. It is a time of renewal, a time for changes, and a time for remembering the sacrifices that have been given for us. I hope everyone has a safe and blessed Easter full of love and Family time!!

Busy Bee J