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Saturday, February 15, 2014

My encounter of an amazing valentines day.

I had the most remarkable valentines day.

In case you guys were not aware. I have been dating someone exclusively for a few months now. We have been talking for 3. We went to high school together. . Actually sat right next to each other on graduation day. He has fallen in my lap.. and he puts this ridiculously retarded smile on face.

Happy. What is that? Hell I haven't known that for such a long time. But he makes me incredibly happy.

My first amazing Valentines day went something like this . He works nights so he stopped by on his way to work. I gave him something.. and we talked for a bit. And he left for work. He kept commenting about the rain. Eventually he told me to go outside.. my car was covered in gifts. Chocolates... cards..

I cried.

I brought the stuff in and cried.. he called and told me not to cry...and was so.incredibly sweet.

I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve this.... I deserve happy and this truly amazing guy.

Josh.. you're the best. I am so glad you asked Cori about me a bit ago.. I'm a lucky girl.

J

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Just a little glimpe

I never thought I'd be here. In the single mom world.. when you get married the entire goal is forever. "Happily ever after" but the actual reality is not happily ever after. Even those amazing marriages you see.. have their bad parts.

I never thought I'd be starting over before my 30th birthday.

My ex husband and I had our first child young. ..we were young and in love and Issak surprised us.  Followed by marriage.. 4 miscarriages and then madalynn.. then morgan. 13 years I was with him... married for 9.. he was my everything.

I won't bore you with the demise... or the sad details of everything that happened. Most of my friends know anyway.. the point of this blog is to share a little insight to people who've not decided to leave.. or that have left and are hurting.

I left.. yeah. I did. There were a million other ways I could have done it.. but the point of the matter is.. I did.

I would cry myself to sleep.. every night. There were days I couldnt move.. it hurt to see couples.. it hurt to see families.  (It still hurts to see families) .. and honestly.. its an onward battle. I will do great for a long time.. and then I will completely break down. Usually it couples with other stress..

How I get through it.. is my kids... surrounding myself with people who actually want to be around me..

See this battle has also shed light on my true friends.. people who are there.. then there are those who are so happy in their own life they dont know what to say.. so they say nothing... then people who are there to the point that them not being there hurts.. all of my friends have their parts.. this goes for family as well.

Ice cream helps too.

I am not ready to think about step parents.. or anything like that.. it still hurts.. and another thing.. falling in love again scares me. I miss love.. I miss cuddling with someone at night.. God being lonely.. its horrible. For those who've never gone through this.. you dont know lonely.. that lonely when your babies are gone.. and all you want is to sleep.. that lonely...

The point is this... yeah Valentine's day is coming.. yeah ill be alone.. because I dont have a "boyfriend".. I don't have plans.. what will happen that night? Ill cry.. ill eat ice cream.. and ill probably be a mess. But I bet the next day ill laugh.. get over it..  divorce.. its a one day at a time thing.  Even when its complete.. it takes a piece of you. .

So here is to figuring it out.. taking one step at a time.. and falling in love again. To finding amazing opportunities. . And being happy.. and good luck..  

Divorce sucks.. life doesnt.. here's to moving on with a vengeance.  Wish me major luck.

Good luck to anyone this helps. Im here if you need to vent. Xoxo.

J