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Monday, June 27, 2011

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

I am in dire need of strength.I am having trouble finding myself in this mess of who I am right now. I am not sure why... I can not point it out, give you a reason, track it down. I have tried... Frankly, I am tried out. I haven't suffered some immediate huge episode, or traumatic event. Matter of fact my life is pretty average. I just seem to have lost myself at the moment, and have let the "seas" of depression sneak in for a bit. I am still a capable mom, and I love my kiddos, the chores get done, and I sit down with Jonathon, but I am completely empty at the moment... by the end of the day, I am "joyed" out. I am exhausted, and tired, and feel absolutely emotionally inept.

It is almost like I am mourning someone... The loss of oneself maybe? I am grasping at straws here honestly.. I feel like a ghost in my life, I am living it, but really am I? Or is it living me? 99% of the time people see me as happy bright uplifting and fun, but lately I have not achieved this. I seem like I am in a bad mood. I don't tell people my feelings, or what I am going through... Its hard to decide who you can actually speak to in your life without having to hear 1. their advice...2. how they overcame what you are currently going through..or 3. how much better their life is. DID you just hear me? I am currently feeling like a gaping pile of doo doo, and I do not care if you are happy... I am not..Help me, instead of boosting your ego.

I am currently running on fumes, and going through the motions... please excuse my absence in your life at the moment, as I am pretty confident mine is not quite where I need it to be, and I need to fix me right now. help is appreciated, but please don't do what i mentioned above....

I feel so broken....

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

This is not just about cupcakes, its about life!

Broken shoulders resting on my back
Overloaded with a weighed stack
Higher and higher
Time runs tired

I wish I could get out of this funk... maybe i need a break, a get away. Just lately I have felt extremely unappreciated. I don't think its because anyone is necessarily meaning to make me feel this way. I honestly think most of it is in my head. I just do not think anyone gets what all a stay at home mom goes through in a day. So I am going to attempt to spell it out... This is my summer schedule

7 am: Wake up
7:15: Get all 3 kids dressed and ready for the day, brush teeth change diapers egtc
7:45: Breakfast for all 3 kids
8:15: Story time
9:00: TV time
(while tv time is happening, I clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry and get myself ready)
10:00: snack time, School work/ special projects
11:00 prepare lunch for the kids while they watch a movie
11:45: lunch
12:15: Nap time (yeah right.. IF they actually sleep)
12:15-2: This i my down time.. I spend it folding clothes, getting stuff ready for dinner, baking, cleaning up from lunch and eating my own lunch (which i sometimes forget to eat)
2:00: Snack time, outside time, playdoh time, lego time etc
2:45: story time
3:15: Movie time (while there is a movie going I make dinner star another load of laundry clean up from snack)
5:15: Dinner time
6:00: Bath time
7-8 family time
8:00: bed time prep
8:30: bed time
9:00: my bed time

I literally dont sit down some days, and if I want a break i have to get up at the crack of dawn...

Now I am not complaining. Please do not mistake it for that. I love my crazy busy life. What I hate is the people who think i do nothing all day.. like walk around and eat bon bons and let the kids run wild, or yell at them all day (as I have seen parents do). Amazingly, my house doesn't miraculously clean its self.. That banana bread didn't make its self, and no.. that amazing smelling food, it didn't cook itself.

Half the time I do not get a thank you, or even a wow mom that was good. Sometimes being a mom is very frustrating in the sense that you do it all, and the stuff you get in return doesn't always add up. I love my kids and my husband and hearing "i love you" and "I missed you" is always nice, but sometimes actions speak volumes.

Anyway... I am a very frustrated mommy.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

No, I am not a different person, and not acting like a kid either

Jump start my kaleidescope heart
Love to watch the colors fade
It may not make sense
but it sure as hell made me
I won't go as a passenger NO!
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down
I'll take in flame over burning out

Its funny when you go do wild and crazy stuff per say.. the word of the "birds" is that you are going through a mid life crisis or its because of who you hang around, and while some of the later may be true, most of the stuff I have done recently is stuff I have always wanted to do, I just simply haven't had the courage to do it. So for those out there who think I am making mistakes, or I am acting like a "kid" well, I have a two part word for ya... Shut it! Yup I said it. I had Issak young and I didn't have the chance to have cool experiences, since we have a reliable sitter now and stuff Jon and I both are getting to do stuff that we never thought we could... Its fun and EVERYTHING I do has a meaning to me. If you don't know the meaning then ask me. I will tell you, and if you still don;t get it, well then I am sorry. I am artisitc, I am fun, I am inspired, and I do what I think makes me happy!

"And doing so you can recreate yourself and you can also come up with something that is not only original and creative and artistic, but also maybe even decent, or moral if I can use words like that, or something that's like basically good."

"Every individual decision is nothing but coincidence, every artistic decision is coincidence."
Alva Noto

I will bid adieu' now... Life to live and all that Jazz


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Because.. well sometimes you feel like a....nut

This is my winter song to you
the storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea

My voice,a beacon in the night
my words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love?

Ugggh I have felt so crummy as of late....Guess its my own fault, I have been so preoccupied with all kinds of other stuff... I need to get back to my basics and quit being so darn nice to everyone around me.... I have been so exhausted and tired and just blah, and I know it has shown in not only my demeanor, but in my dress and talking, and everything basically... Ya see these summer months have come, and they tend to make you REALLY self conscious and although I have succeeded on my weight loss journey this year, I am still not confident.. mainly because I still see yucky me in the mirror,and guess what if you have not been heavy you can not begin to comprehend...

To make matters worse,my voice has left... it comes and goes but not enough to sing much, darn allergies.. its more than annoying..

So if you have talked to me lately, and I have seem down, or different or rather "cold".. I can assure you, its not you.. I'm just not myself, and eventually I will come back around just give me a minute, or 10.. lol Love you all