Why sometimes it just sucks

There is not a book that tells you how to feel when you co parent. Nothing written in stone that tells you what to do in certain situations.. there is not a co parenting bible.. Hell by the time my kids are 18 I may feel like i have written the bible on it. I have been doing it for a year and a half now.. and a lot of things suck.. so I am going to talk about those.. because honestly people do not get it. 1. Coming home alone.... A long time ago i used to LOVE coming home to no one. I could relax.. cook dinner.. do laundry.. clean.. get things done before the "crazy" started. It rarely happened, but i loved it when it did. Now every other week, I am alone. When I say alone, I mean alone alone. Right now, I am eating pickles and typing this blog.. and i hate it. I miss my kids giggles.. i miss nightly routine. I miss their smiles, smells, voices. I miss being their mommy. I miss it all. I also miss company... Having someone to talk to at night. I miss falling asleep next to someone. Being alone.. is awful. 2. Having to reset.... my parenting and my ex husbands parenting are VERY different.. so we have a few days of "reset". Where they have to realize they are back here and not there. The worst day is Monday. Its like I have new strange children EVERY week. 3. Hearing about how they love a "step" parent.... A parent that has had nothing to do with them until now.. and the only reason they are there is by circumstance. It breaks my heart. 4. Holidays... missing my kids on holidays... there will be no early morning Christmas for me.. because my kids will not be here. Not until 10 AM on Christmas day. 5. Sharing my friends.. I am not going to elaborate on this.. but just know it hurts. Those are just to name a few. My daughter tells me all the time "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".. and I have made that my omen as of late. I have made my circumstances.. I am just.. sad sometimes. So for all of you that ask why I am sad sometimes.. here it is.

Missing him

Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.

I can not believe I've known this man a year now.. that a short year ago I'd start a texting journey that would end with me falling in love..and being loved back. Finding that I'm worthy of appreciation..caring..and just awesomeness.  Blah blah.. I know. So I sit here missing my guy. He is in Florida and will be until Sunday.. I will see him Monday night.. that's almost 4 days from now. .. while I miss his smell..his laugh.. his touch.. and many other things.. I miss his voice the most. It's been two days since I've heard it and I just... Miss it. Does this make me a sap.. I guess.. but does it make me realize how very much in love with him I am.. yeah. So while I'll mosey on through the rest of the week and I'll get through it.. and seeing him Monday will be terrific.. my heart aches a little for my guy. Love you Josh.

Ps. He is having a blast.

Getting comfortable...my journey at the year mark

"It's all so simple when you break it all down..two roads converged down the hollow ground..it's taken all my life to hear the sound of sweet simplicity..."

Ahhh simplicity.. Getting comfortable.

You go through this traumatic event.. that blows your entire world sky high...then you start to heal. You join support groups..you talk to your friends (the ones that are actually there to listen) you lose friends along the way.. But ultimately you heal.. now.. a year is behind me.. and I'm stronger..And I'm happier.. And I've moved on. But.. does it still hurt? YES. So much at times that I in fact have to will myself out of bed. But..I do it. Maybe not smiling..But I do it.

Why do I do it? Because I don't have another choice. My kids don't care if I'm sad that stuff failed. They care about going swimming..going to the park..playing baseball..dancing.. that's what is important to them. And so that is what's important to me.

Now..the moving on thing is tricky..

"I'm in love in love with a wonderful guy...that's what's the matter with me.. "

Yes. I met someone who has become my person. His family is wonderful..and I can see a lot of future there. Which is incredible..because if you know my boyfriend you know why I say that I wasn't sure where we would go in the beginning. And at the time..I was ok with that.. I wasn't ready for serious.. now..I can't imagine my life without him. It's crazy how things work out. I can't believe it's been 10 months.. they have flown by.

Making the decision to let your heart go after a divorce is so Damn hard.. it is HARD. But trust your heart..

My friends.. I've made New ones with this new job.. But ultimately they know who they are.. the ones who have been there for me and will continue to be there for me. I love you

Basically I'm writing to say..hey I'm doing ok. I'm happy. But the battle isn't over.. it's just not. And I have my moments where I may just not look it. Dealing with an ex is hard.. and sometimes..I may need help..and prayers..and good thoughts.

I'm humbled by my journey..and know I'm still climbing a mountain.. But I'll climb a little and stop and see a glimpse of the beautiful view..And I know it will be worth the climb..

Hopefully when I make it I'll build a house and stay this time.. maybe I'll finally have a real happily ever after.

It can be done..

Things they don't prepare you for when becoming a parent

I have had an eventful morning.. the girls are currently dancing in their room.. issak is playing with his friend outside.. so im taking a moment to literally laugh. I thought id share my laughter with all of you. 

20 Things they dont prepare you for when you have a lot of kids..

1.you will never poop , pee, shower, or fart alone ever again.
2. oh.. is that your food mommy? No.. no its not. Its mine now.
3. i just ate 7 pieces of bacon and six eggs.. but im completely famished....starving.. whatever "cant I atleast have a piece of bread"
4. did you tell me no? Im going to scream for 20 minutes.. that has to change your mind.
5. ive been silent for 20 minutes.. did I just hear the phone ring? I need everything ive ever needed NOW
6. Moms sleeping.. im going to scream like im being murdered.. mmmooooommmm
"what do you need are you ok.. whats wrong"
oh.. I just want some water.
7. Boogers are made to be eaten
8. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a delicacy. No.. I dont want that casserole that took you 2 hours. Pb and j stat
9. Wait.. is this a fancy restaurant?. . Oh they dont have McDonald's chicken nuggets? Im going to scream now
10. Its bedtime.. im finally a sleep.. wait mom just put in a dvd.. "hey mommy what cha doing.. ya got popcorn?"
11. Is it Thursday and time for your show? I wanna watch doodlebops now.. and im going to cry until its on.
12. Walls are made for crayons.. im freaking Picasso
13. Mommy's boobs are so interesting. . I want to touch them in public because im a weirdo.
14. I just saw a guy with no legs mom.. "hey man why dont you have legs"
15. 6 am on a saturday? Pssh where's my pop tart?
16. Every sibling is wrong but me and I must tattle immediately. .everyone must know.. "HE is being mean to mmeeeee"
17. Wait.. we've listened to let it go 1 million times? "Mommy can you play let it go"
18. MOMMY STOP THE CAR THERE IS A FLY AND HE IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!
19. Mommy's cleaning.. "mom can you come look at the world I built on mine craft. No it cant wait 5 min.. you must come now"
And last but not least. .
20. Parking lots are free for all's and made to run in. .. especially into on coming traffic.  Right?

Hope this made you laugh. This all happened to me in the last I dunno 24 hours..

Jess ♥

The letter to a potential step mom

Since coming to terms with me.. and being in a much better place.. and Happy. So so very happy. I wrote the following letter, to the other woman that will be in my kids life. I decided to share it, because I know others who are going through divorce and step parenting and all that jazz, and thought it might help other people. Being a co- parent is hard guys.. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my LIFE.. It hurts.. causes jealousy.. makes you question if you are in fact a good mom. But looking back, and comparing my life then.. to my life now... I may struggle.. (and for those who really know me.. you know I do) but I know what being happy feels like. I know what it feels like to get up and not being angry.. and to truly let stuff go, and find me.. So that's how I was able to write this. To the woman dating my children's father, I know that this is an awkward talk. I realize that we may spend years being a little uncomfortable around each other. You're about to become the mother (whether it be "step" "bonus" or just plain "mom") of my "life" (or kiddos). I'm preparing to share you with a title I hold very dear and close to my heart. We are fixing to enter into a tense, emotional, and very difficult relationship that probably won't work out the way either of us has planned. However, we are going to attempt it, and make it work because both of us have loved the same man... and hopefully (once you meet them) the children he has fathered. I am not going to waste your time convincing you how AMAZING my children are. You'll find that out all on your own. I am not going to tell you about their quirks, or their favorite foods, or which one likes to snuggle. (psst it's Morgan) You deserve the opportunity to know them and form your own opinions. Your relationship with them will be much different than mine because you will share your own memories and secrets. I am going to make a request that I hope you will consider. Don't love them half heartedly. Don't hold yourself back in fear of competition or confusion. Because, the fact of the matter is "my kids" are about to become "our kids". We are both going to care for them in our own way. These "babies" we are raising aren't going to worry about the toys. They aren't going to care about rules that were set by whom... They are going to be blessed by the love of 4 "parents". (some birth and some not) They are going to have more role models, more people who want the very best for them, and more places to turn when they're confused and upset. We are obviously not in a traditional family here, but we will have more opportunity for perspective and love because of it. Over the years we may disagree... We may have different opinions on how to approach discipline and schooling. I will try my best.. my very best...to be fair and rational when discussing these choices... I want to present a united front to our kids when we make a decision. I hope we both can remember, we are only doing what's best for these "crazy gingers" that are in our lives. I want to talk openly and keep the lines of communication there so we all can be comfortable. More than anything I do NOT want you on the side lines afraid that you are going to hurt my big "momma sized" ego. Please do not setup boundaries in your relationship with our kids. When you and Jon started dating and you agreed to meet the kids you (maybe unknowingly) took on the responsibility to become a "parent" to our children. you pledged to love them just as you did their father. I am happy that Jon and my sweet babies will have another person that cares about them in their lives. I am not worried about the first mom/ second mom issue. I am not concerned with establishing my place.. (I have made my place in their lives already). It won't help anyway. What will help them to adjust to this family dynamic is to know that every parent they have, loves and cares for them. To know that we are all here to support them as they grow. I want to be in this journey together. We do not need to be best friends, though I have NO problem if we were to become close. We do not need to agree all the time, though I hope we will always respect one another's opinions. I just want us to be on the same team. So, from the very bottom of my heart, I want to welcome you to our very silly, beautiful, fun, and crazy special family of red heads. God speed.. you are going to need it. Jess Busy b Jess.. <3

My encounter of an amazing valentines day.

I had the most remarkable valentines day.

In case you guys were not aware. I have been dating someone exclusively for a few months now. We have been talking for 3. We went to high school together. . Actually sat right next to each other on graduation day. He has fallen in my lap.. and he puts this ridiculously retarded smile on face.

Happy. What is that? Hell I haven't known that for such a long time. But he makes me incredibly happy.

My first amazing Valentines day went something like this . He works nights so he stopped by on his way to work. I gave him something.. and we talked for a bit. And he left for work. He kept commenting about the rain. Eventually he told me to go outside.. my car was covered in gifts. Chocolates... cards..

I cried.

I brought the stuff in and cried.. he called and told me not to cry...and was so.incredibly sweet.

I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve this.... I deserve happy and this truly amazing guy.

Josh.. you're the best. I am so glad you asked Cori about me a bit ago.. I'm a lucky girl.

J

Just a little glimpe

I never thought I'd be here. In the single mom world.. when you get married the entire goal is forever. "Happily ever after" but the actual reality is not happily ever after. Even those amazing marriages you see.. have their bad parts.

I never thought I'd be starting over before my 30th birthday.

My ex husband and I had our first child young. ..we were young and in love and Issak surprised us.  Followed by marriage.. 4 miscarriages and then madalynn.. then morgan. 13 years I was with him... married for 9.. he was my everything.

I won't bore you with the demise... or the sad details of everything that happened. Most of my friends know anyway.. the point of this blog is to share a little insight to people who've not decided to leave.. or that have left and are hurting.

I left.. yeah. I did. There were a million other ways I could have done it.. but the point of the matter is.. I did.

I would cry myself to sleep.. every night. There were days I couldnt move.. it hurt to see couples.. it hurt to see families.  (It still hurts to see families) .. and honestly.. its an onward battle. I will do great for a long time.. and then I will completely break down. Usually it couples with other stress..

How I get through it.. is my kids... surrounding myself with people who actually want to be around me..

See this battle has also shed light on my true friends.. people who are there.. then there are those who are so happy in their own life they dont know what to say.. so they say nothing... then people who are there to the point that them not being there hurts.. all of my friends have their parts.. this goes for family as well.

Ice cream helps too.

I am not ready to think about step parents.. or anything like that.. it still hurts.. and another thing.. falling in love again scares me. I miss love.. I miss cuddling with someone at night.. God being lonely.. its horrible. For those who've never gone through this.. you dont know lonely.. that lonely when your babies are gone.. and all you want is to sleep.. that lonely...

The point is this... yeah Valentine's day is coming.. yeah ill be alone.. because I dont have a "boyfriend".. I don't have plans.. what will happen that night? Ill cry.. ill eat ice cream.. and ill probably be a mess. But I bet the next day ill laugh.. get over it..  divorce.. its a one day at a time thing.  Even when its complete.. it takes a piece of you. .

So here is to figuring it out.. taking one step at a time.. and falling in love again. To finding amazing opportunities. . And being happy.. and good luck..  

Divorce sucks.. life doesnt.. here's to moving on with a vengeance.  Wish me major luck.

Good luck to anyone this helps. Im here if you need to vent. Xoxo.

J