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Sunday, March 8, 2015

Cause it's a really hard time.. And it's really just scary

I've procrastinated on going to the doctor.. Why? Well let's be honest.. You gain a little weight.. You change insurances.. You have to go grocery shopping.. You don't want to miss work.. And the list goes on. The last time I had a full physical was over 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with thyroid disease that landed me on a roller coaster of meds. So after 3 years and having a million aches and pains.. And in all honesty feeling like crap.. And did I mention the 30 lb weight gain that was out of the blue? Yeah that too. I started slowly with my dentist.. And I needed extensive work so that was my focus for a bit.. I moved on to my regular family doctor. A new one actually who seemed very concerned with the thickening in my throat. She ordered a mountain of tests that I agreed to. I left there and went for x Rays at Hendersonville hospital. Same day I had an apt with my ob. As I sit here two weeks later with the news my doctors told me.... I'm flabbergasted, scared out of my mind, very worried on how I'm supposed to pay for the procedures I need to fight this stuff, mad at myself for not going to the doctor sooner, exhausted.. Physically and emotionally.. And just... At a loss. My regular doctor informed me that the cyst on my thyroid has doubled in size and has spread to my right side.. She stated it could be cancerous.. But no matter what they will remove it.(meaning my entire thyroid) So.. Surgery. My ob told me that my test grew carcinoma cells which are prevalent in cervical and ovarian cancer. I am having further studies in the next few weeks... But the fact of the matter is this.. My body is already growing an epithelial cell that is growing a type of cancer. So there's the word.. Cancer.. And let's just say this.. While we are being honest.. It's such a shitty word. It's not nice.. It doesn't play fair.. And it sucks... To know that my chances of a hysterectomy are high... Makes me nauseated. I know I am supposed to have another child... Sometime.. So this hurts my heart so much. 

 Now many people are telling me to be strong.. And for those who know me, I am strong. Probably one of the strongest people you'll meet. I kick ass and I take names.. And I wouldn't have it any other way. However, I am very allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to be brought to my knees.. I'm allowed to be needy, and want my mommy who lives hundreds of miles from me. I'm allowed to fear for my kids. I'm allowed to worry how this will affect my job.. I'm allowed to be frightened beyond belief, and still be strong. So.. Pray for me. Pray for my family.. But most of all pray for my sanity. Because so far there have been days that I am in a fog.. And clarity would very much help. Also,being alone.. Yeah it's not helping me. I need love and support.. And hugs.. And if anyone has any ideas about fundraising or anything of the sort.. Please tell me.. Because I will need it. Thanks for listening... 

Jess

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