Life...blink..... woah it changed

"Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me accountable
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Anyway you can "

Life.. well it changes in an instant, with a stupid phone call, or even a simple doctors visit. Your life as you know it can change just as quickly as the rain can start, or the sun sets, or you blink and a year is gone. I guess in the past, I've know this, but never truly felt it (other than blinking, and seeing my kids grow). Over the last month of my life, it has been MIND BOGGLING. I have started a new job, found the root of my back problems as well discovered the root of my weight problems, mood problems, and exhaustion problems.

What started as a nodule is now a cyst/ tumor on my thyroid. I can't begin to describe to you the feeling of loss when you have a doctor call you and tell you that basically you will have to have surgery and be on medication for the rest of your life, that something could possibly be cancerous, and that there is really nothing you can do about it..



Helpless....

I.AM.SCARED
I.FEEL.ALONE
I.AM. OVERWHELMED
I.AM.LOST

The timing in impecable.. I mean right? With everything else going on this is just added mmpphhh..

Life is literally punching me in my face..

How the hell do I get over this? How do I over come?

Pray, ok.. Check did that.. do i feel relief, well yeah, but I can't sleep.. I sit up awake or lay there awake thinking of my job, and being there such a short time, worried I may or may not be able to keep the job in the event of surgery, which at this point is inevitable seeing that he growth has doubled in size in 2 weeks....

Ask for help, done... called.. expressed.. I need help.. I need love.. i need support.. I NEED MY MOM, and she isn't here. she is 400 miles away, and I want her to hug me.. so much right now... My friends.. well they have lives that do not revole around my needs.. and i have to wait for them.. and it sucks

I am down for the count.. out... and well its hard to explain, and be optimistic when i have this cloud nailing me in the head ....

God will provide.. he will provide..

HE WILL PROVIDE

I need to keep reminding myself of that.. he only will give me what I can handle and nothing more...

BUT its really really hard..

Its so so hard..

Pray for my strength, It is fading quickly at the moment

<3 busy b J