Why am I feeling so guilty
Why am I holding my breath
Worry about everyone but me and I just keep losing my breath....
My days have been long, and my time has been short... I feel lonely and like I am missing out on something... My life maybe?? I am not sure... My job is stressful.. Its not that I don't like it, its just.. a LOT.. and I really miss my sweet kids. I've gained weight from the stress, and I have hurt my back recently so it is making it difficult doing all the working out i did prior to my back pain...
October, while it is beautiful, and it is my favorite season, it is my least favorite month. We used to have an annual party every year for halloween... The last one we had was the best.. Jon and I dressed up as Madea and Uncle Jon.. we had a hot dog roast, carved pumpkins and made smores... My house was full of laughter and friends, and it was perfect.. This was the last Halloween Party that I think my house will ever hold. The memories and people from this last party can never be repeated, so in saying that, I do not want to replace those memories.
ha ha I remember Brandy showing me how Bain had gas (he was a newborn at the time) and showing me how she could take his knees and push the gas out.. ha ha ha her, me,Jon, and Paul laughed for hours. I remember talking about going to Sams, and getting certain things... Like I said these memories can never be replaced...
We miss him... a lot....
So I am not 100% now.. I will get there, and with Christmas coming and winter, I am optimistic of the wonderful seasonal changes, and the fun times ahead.
I am blessed with a beautiful family, gah they make me happy... so so so happy. Maddy comes up with the most amazin ways to make me laugh out loud... Morgan makes me want to freeze her in time, and Issak is the smartest kid ever.. he has all a's in school right now...
ALL things to be extremely happy and proud about..
On another note, I have recently realized that I miss my art, as well as my crafts... When I get paid on friday, I am going to invest in some of my craft stuff again.. people should expect a lot of cool home made gifts for christmas. I have a ton of ideas, and I can't wait to start.. :)
I am still slowy but surely working on music.. in more ways than anyone knows... I have a suprise that will blow my husbands mind... I can not wait for Christmas...
I end up rambling in my blogs.. ha ha.. It is a ton of random thoughts, I throw together on a website, BUT it makes me happy.. it makes me relieved, it makes me get things off my chest I wouldn't normally...
Like I want to go back to school, but honestly do not have the strength to make the leap... I have a few ideas of what I want to do... Art teacher, Social Worker, or I want to create my own business... possibly own a shop.. I don't know for sure yet, but I am meant for so much more...
We were meant to live for so much more
have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken. Broken
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
This song rings true in me right now... I am sad.. I will be better.. but love me right now, be there, hug me when I cry, hug me when I smile, answer when I call... make time for the small things... I need to be surrounded by greatness this month...
Love you all
J
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